A
female
age
51-59,
*eny312
writes:Ok here it goes. I've been with my boyfriend for a 1 1/2 years now. I just moved in with him two months ago. He has been texting other girls. I know I looked on his phone. I don't feel good about it but I did. What I found was, pics of porn, messages to other girls, text from him to them. He says that he doesn't text them first but thats a lie. I found text from him to them that say "hey how ya doing" with no responce. I have asked him if he text other girls and he says only if they text me first. A lie. The other problem I've found is his porn addiction. He watches porn everytime I leave the house, and gets off to it. Now I've found that he is taking his phone in the bathroom with him while he's getting ready for work and getting off to the porn in the bathroom. I feel like there is something wrong with me. The other day I was home and we were laying on the bed and kissing. I had to go somewhere but it wasn't urgent so we could have made love; but he reminded me that I should go so he could go to the gym and we would be done early enough to go to a movie. We didn't go to a movie he left the house way late cause as soon as I left he started watching porn and getting off. I don't care about porn, I would even watch it with him; and yes I've told him that. But, Ive also told him that I feel like he would rather get off to porn then make love to me. I cry and he tells me how much he loves me and that he wants me to stay with him and all this but he won't stop. He got off to porn this Wednesday, then I was upset so he made love to me Thursday (now I feel out of pitty); cause this morning I heard him in the bathroom with his phone getting off. I'm not sure what to do. He won't stop doesn't think its a problem. He won't stop texting other girls and is addicted to porn. I love him, but this is all making me sick. Please help.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 September 2010):
Hello again. It sounds like you are going to give up on him.
It really might be wise first, to go into the website your last advisor mentioned - npsupport.net - it does sound like a very good idea.
Before you decide which direction to take with the future of your relationship, do at least visit that website first.
Then you know you have tried everything. At least visit the website yourself (without your boyfriend being there), and check it out, then give it some serious thought. I've just visited it myself just now, and it sounds like it has helped many people. They all seem to give glowing reports.
It's a bit like Dear Cupid, only especially focussed on the problem of pornography addiction. They also have some books that you can buy regarding this problem.
In any case, it definitely seems worth your while visiting.
And only then, decide what you think is best. It also depends on whether your boyfriend is open to this. If he seems like a closed book and shuns the idea, well then it's crunch time.
If he won't acknowledge porn addiction as being a problem, then unfortunately, there's very little you can do.
It might be a whole different ball game, once he realizes you are seriously considering ending the relationship over it. In suggesting breaking up, don't do it in the way of saying - "It's give up the porn or you're OUT !!!! " That's totally the wrong way, as it will just make him dig his heels in more, so that won't work at all.
Instead, be open and honest with him about how you feel it impacts on your relationship, how it makes you feel personally, and let him know that you don't want to go on simply tolerating it any longer. In saying this, don't get angry or upset and don't argue either. Just be loving and respectful and you will communicate with him much more successfully. If you really do love him otherwise, it is worth it to have a try at suggesting this to him.
Once he realizes you are serious about leaving him, he then will have to make a decision, as to whether he tries to sincerely do something about his porn addiction, or just keeps on saying he doesn't have a problem (denial).
If denial is what he does and refuses to acknowledge it is a problem, then you have to go ahead with quitting the relationship. Don't threaten about breakup - then do nothing. You have to follow through with it. Otherwise, nothing changes. Talk must be backed up with action.
As much as it will hurt if it comes to that, ultimately it will be for the highest good of all concerned.
Best wishes. Take care.
A
female
reader, neny312 +, writes (19 September 2010):
neny312 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all the advise.
I have told him that I looked on his phone, I won't lie to him if I don't want him to lie to me.
And, I've more than told him how the porn makes me feel. He told me there is nothing wrong with it, that he's been doing it long before he met me.
I think I know what to do. Its sad, but I have to do what is best for me.
Thank you all so much
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): Well, if he is truly an addict, there is nothing you can do about it :( All forms of sexual addiction are actually very powerful chemical addictions. Sex addicts are addicted to chemicals released by their own brain during excitement, arousal and orgasm. This can be a very hard addiction to overcome for many men as it requires complete abstinence from their d.o.c. (drug of choice,in this case porn and sex chat).
Know this, it bears absolutely no reflection on your desireability as a woman (think Christy Brinkely). I'll give you the same advice I have to other women who present with this question...visit npsupport.net There are people and information there that will help you ti gain an understanding of this disease and enable you to make an informed decision regarding your relationship with this man.
Best of luck to you, you are not alone.
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A
male
reader, elvira505  +, writes (18 September 2010):
from my experience porno specially associated with masturbation has critical affects on the sexual side of a relationship such as sexual apathy, inability to remain erected... so it's very advisable for your partner to quit that habit , and regarding keeping in contact with other girls without a reason is just not right in my opinion and can eventually make him cold towards you let alone the possibilities of affairs that may occur .. you should talk to him and put things straight to him to save 'whats so hopefully will be marriage one day ..
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): While the two issues you described- messaging other girls and watching porn- aren't necessarily interrelated, they're nevertheless obstacles that are clearly interfering with the emotional intimacy of the relationship, and need to be addressed. Regarding the messaging of other girls, it's important to determine his intent. Are the actual friends of his whom he has something of a developed relationship with, or is he constantly texting others with a flirtatious goal in mind? In either case, the most important thing here is that he outright lied to you about them texting him first, which is not only a blatant infringement on your trust, but also likely indicates that something more serious is going on with his texts that he simply doesn't want to tell you. At this point, I think an honest and candid discussion about his behavior is warranted, as not clearing this issue up and letting it linger is likely to make it worse, and you constantly anxious.Regarding his, ah, curious selection of entertainment choices, it's important to be aware of the fact that this doesn't necessarily have ANYTHING to do with you, as he is exhibiting a certain type of compulsive behavior that reflects issues he, himself, has to deal with. The last thing you need to do is somehow cater to his tastes in a more aggressive fashion, as it's not likely to resolve the true reason he constantly turns to pornography, and is also likely to make you feel even worse about yourself when you realize that it simply doesn't work. If his compulsive viewing of pornography is interfering in the relationship, again, it's time for an important and candid discussion as to its effect on you both and your relationship. Even if it isn't necessarily affecting the relationship, it would appear that your boyfriend is behaving in a consuming, destructive fashion, and in the spirit of his own well being, such a discussion is also warranted.I understand that interacting with these issues are going to be especially more complicated now that you're living together, but I really don't see your relationship healthily moving forward at this point until you can both meaningfully address and resolve your issues with trust (the texting of other girls), and his destructive behavior towards yourself and the relationship (constant viewing of pornography). Of course, this issue is a bit more dicey because advancing a conversation about his texting requires you to concede that you checked his phone (assuming you can find some way to get your point across without mentioning it), but the most important thing to be aware of should you begin seriously discussing both these issues is to be absolutely straightforward with how you feel about his behavior, and how his behavior is affecting you; you don't have to be brutal and unpleasant about it, but beating around the bush and merely being suggestive will do little more than impede your progress, in which case you'll wind up right back where you started in having to deal with these all over again at a later time, possibly under even more unfortunate circumstances.All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): I feel this man has other fantasies and desires he wishes to pursue with other women besides you. This would def hurt me in your shoes. I do feel bad for you. It seems he is unstable and doesnt know what he wants...you or to go after his fantasies n wild ideas. I was once in a dilemma about being selfish and should have left the relationship to pursue my other needs. I think itd be wise for him to do the same thing as it seems you guys are at the start of a unhealthy relationship that could lead to a further emotional roller coaster and causing lots of pain for both of you. all the best :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): Sounds like your dating an addict. He's unlikely to be able to choose you over his addiction with out taking some drastic steps. If he's unwilling to do that you are wasting your life and enabling him. You need end this relationship, and cut him loose. If he cleans up his act, start dating again... if you're still available... otherwise go find someone who's not hooked on porn.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 September 2010):
Hi there. It sounds like he is bored with his life in some way.Boredom makes people go exploring, whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography or having casual sex with different partners - many, many things.It serves as nothing more than an escape. When they do these activities, it helps them to not have to deal with what's really making them unhappy. Sometimes it's easier to escape than put in effort to make things better. It also helps them deal with those restless feelings often associated with being uninspired.When people feel uninspired with their lives, they look for quick fixes to get a quick result in some form of novelty. Something that seems like a bit of fun. My guess is, this is what's happening here with him.In the absence of something else better to do, he's apparently gone surfing on the net and found pornography and thinks it's a bit of fun. I really think that all this is doing, is filling a gap in his life that needs to be filled.Eventually, he will probably tire of it also, because he will realize that it doesn't fulfil the real need in his life.It's an addiction really. The more a person feels his/her life is empty, the more they go looking - in all the wrong places. It then gets to become a habit, and really that's all it is.What would be better for him to do, would be to make his own life as interesting and exciting as it can be. Maybe take up golf and go out with his buddies once or twice a week. He could also take up some hobbies and interests. Life really isn't boring, it's full of opportunities at every turn. We have to just keep our eyes open all the time, and stay alert.What does make life seem boring, is an absence of fun.Perhaps you and him don't have enough excitement and unpredictability. Life is completely what you make it. The more effort you put into it, the more you get out of it.Another important thing to consider is, you do need to have some time away from each other. Say one night a week for a couple of hours maximum, to catch up with your friends. You see your friends and him see his friends. Time apart, does you both good as it gives you both some personal space. That's important, so you don't feel stifled always being together.Some food for thought anyway.Hope this has helped you. Take care and best wishes.
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