A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I made a mistake by moving in with my boyfriend, but the damage is done and if anyone can help me, I would appreciate it.Basically, I want to get married and he does not. I have been with him for four years, and have lived with him for three. Last year, he moved with me across the country so that I could begin a new job; however, he has not been able to find work in the new area. This has been the main cause of our problems this past year. He actually broke up with me several times, but only one of those times lasted longer than a day, and that was when he moved back to our old home town for a month so that he could try to get back on his feet financially. He ended up calling me, begging to come back. At first, I refused because I figured he would come back and then break up with me two weeks later. He swore he wouldn't and promised to marry me within a year(something he has talked about on and off). Well, I took him back, and a month later, out of the blue, he broke up with me. It didn't last for more than four hours, and he admitted that his shame for not working is the main reason why he keeps doing this. Still, he said in this fight that he never wants to get married. I can understand not wanting to get married without a job, but I am getting ready to move on because I want emotional security. I have gotten to the point that I no longer take his break ups seriously, but I do feel like he is my best friend, and I want a commitment. Financially, I am doing okay. I was prepared for him to be unemployed for a while, but I did not imagine what it would do to him emotionally, and now part of me wonders whether he is staying simply because he has nowhere to go. Everyone tells me ultimatums don't work, but I don't see any other way of doing it other than breaking up with him so that I can find a man who does want to marry me. He is my first choice for a husband. He fears that I just want to marry someone, and sometimes says that if our love is strong enough, we don't need a legal document. I have always felt that marriage is a matter of respect (we have been together so long that I feel like it is an insult that he refuses to recognize me as his wife), but now, I feel like I need some sort of security that he's not going to break up with me every time he starts to feel like he is not good enough for me (that's his claim). Should I just give up on this guy? Is there any way I can speed up the marriage process.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): That is always a difficult decision. Here is the question I have for you why do you think you guys broke up those times. Is it because he is insecure or was it really a relationship problem. If you can afford it I would recommend going to see someone. It can be really hard to see what is going on from inside the relationship and often both of you talking it out with an impartial observer really helps.
If that isn't something you'd be willing to do I am not so against an ultimatum but I would try and make it about me, and give him some time apart to think about his answer. Maybe one of you could go away for a week and right before you could tell him what you need. Tell him to figure out his answer by the next time you see each other. If you are going to break-up anyway you might as well play all your cards.
A
female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (11 August 2011):
So when he breaks up with you where does he stay? In your house or leaves to another girls house? All I can say is work with him to find any entry level job and if a proposal does not come within months after he secures a job, I'll say kiss the relationship goodbye...It's becoming too convenient.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): your in a hurry to marry him for security in your relationship. you think he could not leave u if he already your husband. if he could fine another.
it's better u support him to find a job. don't u like your future husband has a stable job. proud to ask your hands to your parents.
you only think of yourself.
he loves u. just don't pressure him. so he could easily find a job.
have pity on him.
good luck!!!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Janniepeg's on the right track here. This guy moved across country for you. You don't know how emotionally devastating on a person it is to not have a job. And even in this day and age of women's equality, it's still buried in the man's psyche to bring something into a marriage...to provide, and to work. Many men (and women included) feel impotence and despair at not being able to have a livelihood.
That being said, the way he's handling it isn't the best way. He's trying to send a message to you with the breakups and the declarations of not wanting to get married. He's lost hope, and the only thing he has and knows is that he loves you. He knows you're getting impatient, as you should be!
I don't know if you two will work unless he finds a job there in the new city. We all know that this work climate is brutal for people who are out of a job.
Quite simply, to speed up the marriage process, you need to help him get employed. He needs to find a job. Many men wait until they're well established in their careers or have a good job before looking for that mate. He's not there, but he's living with you.
Your choices are pretty simple. If you decide "I believe in him", you need to have a serious heart to heart and tell him that he must never ever break up with you unless he means it to be the absolute last time. No more bouncing you like a yo-yo. No more do-overs. Tell him that the next breakup will be the atomic bomb that will forever obliterate your relationship, and you won't go back on it. Tell him that you BOTH will keep working on his job situation 100% until he gets one, meaning pull out all the networking. No half-ass.
Even more importantly, he needs to assure you that he is working towards marriage. If he means that he never wants to marry, and it's not just a cry out of despair and frustration, then you both are done. You break up with him, because time you do NOT have. If he's saying this stuff simply because he thinks he'll never have a job, i.e. he'll feel emasculated if he marries you, then get clear with him that when you both work on getting him employed, then he better propose and start calling you "fiance".
He really does love you, that much is true. No guy moves across country for a girl forsaking his friends and prospects if he doesn't.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 August 2011):
 I am not sure what you are waiting for. You've given him 4 years to make up his mind, you are covering his bills, providing for him sexually and you are still sitting and waiting?
I know it is hard to hear this, but if your goal is marriage, moving in with him without a ring on your finger and a definite wedding date on the calendar, you sadly have set yourself for a lifetime of waiting.
In this case an ultimatum will work: He'll either marry you (probably out of desperation, not out of love) or you'll find strength to cut him loose and find someone who wants to be there 100% of the way for you. Either way, you'll be married.
I think you have some soul searching to do. From the sounds of it, this man isn't going to marry you any time soon. Only you can determine if you want to continue to live together without the formal commitment or if marriage and a lifetime commitment is what you want. But nagging him will only destroy your relationship and ruin whatever you have.
Optionally, you may want to try and talk to a counselor together so that you can understand his fears of marriage.
I think the choice is yours to make at this point.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 August 2011):
 It will not work. IF you want marriage and he does not and it's a deal breaker for you then you will have to end the relationship....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): This is in response to Janniepeg:The area we moved to is in an extreme economic depression. Unfortunately, I have a great job, making more than I have ever made in my lifetime, but I found the job online and was not familiar enough with the area to realize how destitute the area is for other lines of work. He has applied for everything, even working as a cashier in a gas station. I wouldn't be surprised if he has applied to every business in town.I know giving him an ultimatum is not going to work, but breaking up seems like the same thing to me. Plus, if I do break up with him, I will have to either live with him until he can afford to move out or ship him back to our hometown without a job or a dime in his pocket. I don't feel like it's my "life goal" to get married, but because of these constant breakups, I want more security with the relationship. He took back his last break up because I told him to never contact me again, that he was driving me insane and not letting me get on with his life. Are there any other couples out there who are stuck living together like this? Is it really just a matter "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? I hate that saying, and I never before opposed living together before marriage, but now I wonder what happens to women who move in with men who later refuse to marry them but also refuse to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): If you want to break up with him because marriage is a life goal for you, then I think you should take him at his word and break up with him now and tell him why.
Using ultimatums is manipulative...and even if you get what you want, he has every reason to resent you down the line when you are married and he's unhappy for whatever reason.
I wouldn't do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): There is no future for you with this man as you both want diffrent things best to end it now and be with someone who wants the same as you,this is something that happened to me a few months ago
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): You have a lot to learn about men and it would be good if you learned it now while you are still young. The manslation for, “You deserve better than me,” is always one of two things:1.I intend to treat you badly, and want to give myself some cover so I can say, “Hey, I told you months ago that you deserve better than me!”2.I want to break up with you with as little fuss as possible.It’s usually #2. The first manslation is more commonly attached to the phrase, “I’m not a good boyfriend.” But this one can occasionally be used in that sense.But no, mostly it’s about getting out the door. Use the Golden Rule on this one:WHAT HE SAYS: You deserve better than meWHAT HE DOES: Leaves you.Nobody breaks up with someone because he isn’t good enough for you. That’s not a reason to break up with someone. You break up with someone because you want to leave. That’s the reason. THE reason.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): You could probably force his hand with an ultimatum and make him marry you but he won't be happy and probably end up leaving you or being wishy washy in the marriage. He'll always resent you because he will feel it wasn't really his decision and you blackmailed him into it. Best thing you can do is move out or move him out and let him know it's not because you don't love him but because you see marriage in your future and he doesn't. Don't put any blame on him. Don't respond to his calls or emails unless he shows up with a ring and proposes. It could happen but it's not a very promising sign when a man says he never wants to get married. Fact is, 95% of men marry so he's telling you he doesn't want to marry YOU. He's not asking you to wait until he gets more financially on his feet. I think somewhere down the line he began to feel emasculated or pressured. When a man tells you he isn't good enough for you it means he doesn't want you but he'll take what he can get from you out of self preservation in the here and now.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (9 August 2011):
 Ultimatums do not work.
He has made a decision for himself. He is not in the attitude of couplehood that gets rid of the "Me" and "I" and accepts "Us" and "We".
Marriage is what you want and you have been open and honest in the relationship expecting that in the future. This man has not been stable with you. He changes his mind day to day if the going gets tough.
That does not make good husband material.
While you should both be financially responsible, getting married is a HUGE legal and contractual obligation to eachother. One that he does not want. Not getting married allows him his escape hatch if things get rough. He would probably feel trapped in a marriage.
Again, not good husband material. Asking him to marry you might make YOU feel a bit better for awhile, but in the long run, he would resent it and blame you for his unhappiness.
The best expectations of your FUTURE are based on the patterns of your PAST. Getting married is not going to change who he is at the core. If he bolts emotionally at the sign of frustration, trouble, loss of job, etc. He will bolt emotionally from you even if he is right there.
Real emotional security does not come from our companion, it comes from ourselves. We should be ready to enter into committed relationships strong and ready so you can support eachother thru lifes highs and lows. It doesnt sound like he can do that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 August 2011):
 You should never take that personally and as an insult. He doesn't feel like a husband if he doesn't have a job. I believe he does love you and respects you. Without a stable income he is not going to be happy in a marriage anyway and unfortunately when he doesn't feel ready the marriage would only feel like a bondage. I also believe he wants to marry you, but it's to painful to admit that he can't provide financially so to save face he changes it to "not wanting to get married" as a choice. I am not too clear on the living arrangements but whatever that is, make sure he is spending a lot of effort getting a job close to where you live, and not procrastinating because "marriage isn't what he wants anyway." A man who loves you enough would get a job as a truck driver if he has to. If you believe that he is motivated enough to land any job then be supportive and patient because being impatient would just drive him away, unless you really want to drive him away then you achieved the purpose by issuing an ultimatum.
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