A
male
age
51-59,
*om-in-WA
writes:I have been married for 8 years. When we started dating (12 years ago), we had a great time. She was not as passionate or as romantic as I was but I was able to look that over because she had many other great qualities that I was attracted to. She was smart, funny and she was stable. She was my anchor and I needed that in my life as well.Just after our third year together she was diagnosed with an advanced stage of Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). She was in constant pain and the medication the Doctor's wanted her to take were very harmful to pregnancies. She was afraid that I would leave her because of the RA. I like to think that I am above that type of shallowness but those other qualities that I was missing were now going to be compounded because of the RA. The drugs you take, I apologize but I won't go into specifics, make it so you desire sex less. That took a lot out of me but again, I said to myself that her better qualities outwieghed the lesser ones.We were married a year later and had our only Son the following year after that. During that entire time things were getting progressively worse in regards to the RA and the lack of passion in our relationship. None of this was her fault, she is such a great care-taker and a great Mother, she would do anything for me, I know this. But... I need that passion in my life, she is never going to be able to give me this and the other things that are missing as well.I feel like the biggest jerk in the world but I have been so lonely for these past 7 years. I'm 38 years old, I would love to have more children and I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can do the things I want and be able to reciprocate the love I know I am capable of giving them.Thank you in advance,Tom
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2009):
 I don't think you are shallow at all; I think you are confronting an untenable situation with no evident win-win solution to it. I have no earthly idea how this would affect me if it were to develop this way, so I cannot possibly judge you. I can only offer my words and what passes for insights to you in the hopes that you can use them for finding your way to a peaceful place for all concerned.
When we stare into the abyss, the abyss has a chance to stare back--and there's nothing comfortable about that. You learn things about yourself that you'd much rather have not known. But you also may get closer to a happier path for you and your wife. She can't be happy, living with a man who is miserable. It must show, the feelings leak out in ways that can't be controlled. So do start that dialogue, and give her time to process what you're telling her, don't expect instant or consistent reactions.
I've been saying this to people lately (not so much her at DC but more in real life): All you can do is all you can do. Sounds stupid, I know, but it expresses my belief that if you do everything in your power to fix something, there's nothing more that can be expected of you, by yourself or anyone else.
Be honest, be gentle, listen. I do wish you all the best as you go through this process. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): You are not shallow at all. If you wanted to have an affair because she now looks 12 years older than when you first started dating then you would be shallow. You are in a very difficult situation that is of no fault of either yours or hers. You obviously love her, but at the same time find yourself alone in an important way. She doesn't want you to live like this and you realize that, but what can you do. I feel sorry for what you are going through and very much respect how you are handling it. I think that I would feel the same as you. My wife feels the same as I do about this.
I am more than 20 years older than you and have been with my wife for 30 years and I think I would have a difficult time with this. I'm not ready for a nursing home yet. You have a lot of life to go through yet.
I understand that the sex part is not the most important thing, but it would be nice if you had someone close to talk to and get help from. I was going through some mental anguish a couple of years ago that was minor in comparison to your problem. I didn't have anyone close to talk with and came on to DC. I met 2 women here and they helped me so much with my feelings. One of them was also going through a similar hurt and confusion as I was and we talked almost daily helping each other with our respective problems. She is fine now and no longer posts here. The other one I still keep in contact with and I consider her a friend. These were remote conversations and it would have been great to have someone close to talk to in person, but it worked so well as it was. The thing is that my problem was of my own making and was not something that would last for many years. That is the part that is so difficult for you.
The thing about even finding someone who is in the same situation as you is how do you find them. It's probably nearly impossible. Forget the sex part. Sometimes you just need someone to hug and understand.
As you can tell from my rambling, I just don't know how to handle this. The more I think about it, I think that if I were in this situation, I would ideally want a close female friend who is in a similar need as me and who I can be completely open with about everything. Someone who I could say anything to without worrying about hurting her feelings or those of the one I love. Someone who I could cry on each others shoulders with. I have no idea how I would find that person.
Sorry that I can't be of more help to you.
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A
male
reader, Tom-in-WA +, writes (29 July 2009):
Tom-in-WA is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Tisha-1:
Thanks for the response. To answer your question, I have put myself in her shoes and I would never want my spouse to leave me over something I could not control. It would be a sentance of lonlieness. I know that if I was in the same situation that my chances of being able to meet someone again in my state would be slim and none.
"How can I leave someone who loves me and sentance them to that fate?" I have asked myself this question over and over for the past few years. I have also asked myself would SHE stick around with me if the situation was reversed. I can honestly say I don't know.
Since her RA is so advanced we have been forced to change her drugs and try new treatments. She's on the latest medication at the moment and it has definately slowed down the disease but there's a cost and a downside to these medications but still a small price to pay rather than the alternative.
We have talked about her lack of desire to have sex but not about the lack of passion in our lives. That is something I know we do need to discuss and I plan on having this talk soon. I would never not communicate this issue with her, the reason I have not yet done so is because it's going to really break her heart but we can't try and fix the issue if she doesn't know there's a problem.
@ Troubledtoomuch:
If my sexual appetite was my only problem I could understand just trying to fill that emptyness with someone else who's looking to do the same. However, my problem is that I want to live my life with someone that I'm in love with and spend the rest of my days living that way. I am mature enough to realise that this may not be realistic and I have made some very serious commitments that cannot be broken lightly.
I do appreciate your's and Tisha's insight on the matter. It is a very tough and sad situation and I have been forced to confront a very dark side of me that I don't like. I never thought I was this shallow of a person, I figured I'd be able to see this through. There are times when I say 'screw it, you are in this for the long haul. You made your decisions now you need to live by them.' Then I see people who have made similar decisions and how sad and bitter they are. I can see the resentment there. I don't want to grow old with my Wife resenting her or being bitter because I chose to stay unhappy. She surely isn't going to be happy with someone like that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Boy, this is both a tough one and a sad one. I certainly cannot add much useful to what Tisha has said. I do want to just reinforce this:
"I don't have any good advice for you on this, but I have to say one thing to you. If you blindside her with this, if she has no idea this is coming, that you've made this unilateral decision all without her knowledge, then you are doing her a huge disservice. That would be truly hurtful, above and beyond being left for a condition she has no control over.
She IS your wife, she deserves the courtesy of knowing what's going on in your head, even if you choose to stay.
If this has been building for seven years, you owe her that."
Tisha is so correct on this. Just think about how you would feel if you had an accident and was paralyzed and could do little to make love in any way at all. You would know that it was difficult on your young wife, but she gives every indication that she is wiling to stick with you and take care of you. Then suddenly one day she tells you that she is leaving you. That would kill me. It's not like being left after years of problems. You can see that coming. She needs to know how this has affected you if she already doesn't know and then you have to have some serious discussions, without you indicating that you might leave her. Not until after you have discussed the problem thoroughly with her.
There is another thing that I hate to mention, but I have discussed this with my wife while answering questions on DC about cheating on an unloving spouse and have discussed this with one woman who I know who said this about her partner. The other woman said that if she weren't able to have sex that she would just tell her partner to find someone to fill in that part of his life. I think she really meant it. My wife has also said the same thing to me when we were discussing a question on DC and when we were discussing a medical condition that she has, but in no way currently affects our love life. I don't know if I could ever do something like that and I don't know if she would feel the same if it came to that, but I think she would. However, my wife and the other woman are certainly not the norm when it comes to things like this. They are both very loving and extremely tolerant of things like this. Again, I'm not really suggesting this and I certainly don't suggest that you bring it up. My wife said something like this, "As long as you showed me that you still loved me as much as ever and did everything to make me happy and take care of me then I think I would be fine with something like that."
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2009):
Thanks for the followup. I have a feeling that you've already reached an internal decision and are trying to work out if it's going to make you look as bad as you think it will.
I think you're feeling incredibly guilty already for what this is going to do to her and her future.
Look, you're not the first man (or person, women can do this too) to have run out of patience with what the disease or condition or whatever it is has done to the life you expected. I don't know what you've gone through in all these years and I don't know what she has gone through either, so I'm not going to judge you on this.
Have you and she done everything possible to manage this RA--new drugs, clinical trials, therapies, etc? Have you exhausted these possibilities?
Have you talked about this with your wife, does she know that you are this desperately unhappy at this void in your life?
You didn't answer my question as to what you'd tell your wife to do if the shoe was on the other foot.
I don't have any good advice for you on this, but I have to say one thing to you. If you blindside her with this, if she has no idea this is coming, that you've made this unilateral decision all without her knowledge, then you are doing her a huge disservice. That would be truly hurtful, above and beyond being left for a condition she has no control over.
She IS your wife, she deserves the courtesy of knowing what's going on in your head, even if you choose to stay.
If this has been building for seven years, you owe her that.
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A
male
reader, Tom-in-WA +, writes (28 July 2009):
Tom-in-WA is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Tisha-1: Thanks for your response. Yes, I definately left alot of information out and that made my post very confusing. I apologize.Ok, I am just going to be very blunt here. Our sex life is awful. It has been this way for a long time. She's in constant pain, the only time she has sex is for me. I want her to get something out of this as well but she never does. She used to before the RA and our sex life was good, not great but at least I could make her feel good and perform well. She can only do one position and she does not like oral, at all. There are many other ways you can stimulate an orgasm and I have tried everything but she does not want to do these things or she gets nothing out of it when she is willing to try.We have discussed her RA and she knows it affects our sex life. None of this is her fault, she didn't ask for it and I did know what I was walking into, I had the chance to walk away early on but I didn't know I would have to go through the rest of my life with no passion in our relationship. I knew the romance would change but I didn't know it would go away completely. I did make a commitment to her, I know this and it is a very heavy weight on my concious. If anyone thinks I am going about this lightly you are mistaken.I have thought so hard and long about this, it's taken me seven years to get to this point. I feel terrible because she is a good woman but she just cannot give me the romance or passion that I feel I need for the rest of my life. Maybe I am being unrealistic, I know alot of marriages that are love-less. I know people that 'stick it out' because it is safe and convenient or because of thier religion. I don't know if I can do that. I have tried and I am so unhappy and feel so lonely that it affects me to a personal level.The most important thing of all is our Son. He's an innocent here, what is going to happen to him? I won't have 24/7 access to him and be around for him all the time like I feel I should be. I have contemplated for his sake to just stay unhappy and unfulfilled until he is on his own.To HateMyLife: You made the comment that I am 'advertising myself'. I don't understand this, did you mean I am advertising myself to meet other people here? If thats the case then you mistook my post. I have no desire to meet anyone yet. It will be a long time before I make the decision to see other women and I will be single by that time. And yes, we made the decision to have a child together. It was a huge sacrifice, she needed two full knee replacements after the pregnancy, so trust me, I understand the price she has paid for wanting to have a family.Anyways, thanks for all of the responses, good or bad. :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2009):
You are in a very tough situation. Thank you for saying you would never cheat on her, that's a good thing. I guess you're just so sad and frustrated and lonely right now that you just needed to vent and to hear what people had to say?
I just don't know what to tell you, I'll be honest. I'm quick with advice when it's easy to give or the situation is so obvious that it's "duh, don't do that anymore." Couched in the nicest possible way, of course.
Wow. Hmmm. So as this is an anonymous forum and you are esentially anon other than the first name thing, can we get really specific here?
When you say passion, do you mean sex? And cuddling and all those things? Feeling hot-blooded and all that?
And you say you want more children, right, this one is a bit trickier of a question to ask. You knew going into the marriage that she was unlikely to be able to have them due to the RA? But you proceeded because you loved her and wanted to be with her. So when you made that choice to be with her, you also made a choice that you might not have children. So what has changed there for you? Are you in a mid-life crisis, that you feel you want more children now?
Do you not make love with her at all? Is this purely a platonic relationship due to the RA?
Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to wrap my head around your situation.
I expect you've probably done this, but what if the roles were reversed, and you were the one who was ill? What would your response be if she wanted passion and children and you were unable to provide either? Serious, now. Don't be noble and self-sacrificing if you know you don't really mean it. You'd want her to take care of you, I think. I certainly would, in your shoes.
I don't know, I think you make your choice and your promises, and then it's a crap shoot. Anything can happen and change the whole game at any moment. You went into this knowing about the RA, it didn't sneak up on you years later and change things. It was a known known. I would probably say that you should stick to your vows and stick by her. After all, she didn't ask for this; she didn't want RA and she certainly doesn't deserve all the side-effects either. She's the one who has to live with all the symptoms and pain and the knowledge that she's let you down in a most fundamental way. She must not be happy either.
Have you talked with her about the RA? Or do you carry on as if nothing has happened and nothing has changed? Tell me about what she IS to you, not about what she isn't. I got mother and care-taker, what else? Anything else?
I apologize for the rambly nature of this answer, I've been just thinking out loud, if you will, and letting my choo-choo train of thoughts lead where it will.
I'm thinking you have to decide if the vows you took when you got married--sickness and health stuff--if you really meant them?
I guess it comes down to this, is your life about the two of you--okay, her--or is it about you? Sounds like you've done the couple part for the past 12 years. What's changed recently that has made you rearrange your priorities?
Again, sorry for the ramble, this is a very difficult situation you're in and I'm trying to understand your dilemma.
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A
female
reader, meliss289 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 I am sorry to hear of your situation. You took an oath before God. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health." I am in agreement with jam22, I dont understand what your question.......
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A
male
reader, Tom-in-WA +, writes (27 July 2009):
Tom-in-WA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess my question would be, what would you do if you were in the same situation? I will NOT cheat, so that is out of the question. Cheating on your spouse is the worst thing you could do in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, HateMyLife  +, writes (27 July 2009):
to be fair she loves u and ur advertising urself on this
that is quite low im sorry im being mean but the truth hurts she loves and the R.A must really hurt her alot so to go through a pregnancy for u is amazing i think u should comprimise alittle i understand that 8 years is a long time to go without a passionate love life but talk to her about it and try and work it out together
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A
female
reader, jam22 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 I am not sure exactly what your question is? Are you asking if it is okay if you cheat, or do want to divorce..I don't mean to be mean in my response just not sure what your question is ...please explain or ask your question again?
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