A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in an emotionally draining relationship for the past 2 years. I say 'emotionally draining' because whenever we did fight, I always left my ego aside and went back to apologize, sometimes when I wasn't even in the wrong!! Just because I was then scared to lose him. He was manipulative throughout. He just never apologized for anything!! He was always closed about his feelings just because he has been hurt in the past and was too scared to open up. Two years apparently wasn't enough for him. Until now...The main issue here is he wants to get married to me and I am not ready for this! Not because i don't love him or want to, I am just not financially or emotionally stable and neither is he. Most of the pressure comes from his family. My family on the other hand thinks that I will live a very poor life if i stay with this guy and I agree (although I haven't told him yet!) Our lifestyles are so different. I must say that i was very eager to get married to him and might have even convinced my parents, all about three months ago! But now I just don't feel the same anymore.We had multiple fights about this, but when he insulted my parents during one such fight, I took a step back and said I didn't want to be with him anymore. Since that day, the tables have turned and now he is playing the martyr. He started being overly sweet / needy and telling me how much he loved me and is too scared to loose me. On the other hand I said I needed time and didn't want to speak of marriage until I was ready. I stood firm for a bit but eventually took him back. biggest regret ever I think i did this out of pity because of all the crying he was doing! I am a coward really!!! :(My fuckup here - While these fights about marriage were on, I met this guy through some friends and started talking to him. He was a nice distraction from my boyfriend. At first, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I was talking to him. He started getting suspicious and started demanding that I block this other guy [25/m] out. I asked him why as the new guy was only a friend and nothing more. He said this guy made him uncomfortable. He even went as far as logging into my social media accounts and blocking the guy himself. I still continued texting this guy and he found out again. We've now had fights daily!! He wants to check my phone everytime and when i little as go and change my passwords, he asks for them immediately so that he can snoop around. Me being vulnerable and submissive immediately gave into his request. He recently found out (by logging into my account) that I have a 'Snap Streak' (Snapchat feature when you send snaps to each other back and forth) with this guy. He is extremely pissed!! I know I fucked up knowing that he would be pissed if i did this even after he said no, but I still did it anyway. My boyfriend says he has lost all trust with me and wants my help to get it back and make this work. I don't want to block this guy!! He has no clue about these fights in my relationship. Honestly, I may even have feelings for this new guy. Like I said, I still regret taking my boyfriend back and just want out.Fast-forward to this week - My boyfriend is putting too many restrictions on me! With snooping around so much, he is making me feel claustrophobic. I do care for him, just not the same way like i used to. I've even lost the feeling of making things work between us. I have let him know about this time and again but he is just not willing to let go. His explanation is that if he can compromise and still be with me after my fuck up, I should do the same, and try to make this work with a positive mindset. I've asked him how long he wants me to lead him on and 'pretend' to feel otherwise and make this work. He says he wants to try at least and that he will try to make my parents understand once we have sorted things out between us. But this is just not what I want. I seriously want out of this mess. When i say this he threatens me to tell my parents the way I have been treating him and then end his life. He says he's putting in all the efforts to save this and I am just not understanding him!Yesterday i tried breaking up too, he cried, begged and threatened to talk to my parents (he really would have gone). I gave in and stayed! Yes I fucked up by texting that guy even after my boyfriend said he wasn't comfortable. But how do I get out of a relationship where I am just a vegetable. He wants me to dig deeper and search for these missing feelings even when I know in my head that I can't feel the same ever again.I am in the most difficult situation right now and I'm happy to give more clarity on any of the parts mentioned above. Am I a terrible person? What do I say or do to get out of this mess? Why am I a coward who keeps taking him back with all his threats and crying? How can I be strong against his threats? I am actually scared he will do as he threatens. Please help!!TLDR I fucked up by texting a guy even when my boyfriend said he wasn't comfortable. I did this as a distraction from the problems we were facing in our own relationship where I have stopped feeling anything for him! Now he won't let go of me and all i want to do is get out of this!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 March 2017):
 Show your parents this post. Nobody has the right to emotionally black mail you. Tell him it is over and stick to it. Block him so he cannot contact you and end it once and for all. Why spend your life in an unhappy relationship? Yes involving another guy is wrong on your part, but end things now and live life how you want to.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 March 2017):
Show your parents this post. Nobody has the right to emotionally black mail you. Tell him it is over and stick to it. Block him so he cannot contact you and end it once and for all. Why spend your life in an unhappy relationship? Yes involving another guy is wrong on your part, but end things now and live life how you want to.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 March 2017):
 You have done the hardest thing: telling him you no longer want to be with him. Now you have to stick to what you have decided and not be bullied into taking him back.
And stop giving him access to your accounts. If he asks for the password, simply say NO.
In your shoes I would tell your parents what has been going on and then ask for their support to keep him away from you.
Re the suicide threats, they are just another way of emotionally blackmailing you. He is unlikely to do anything (might do a spot of self harming for attention) but, on the off-chance he does, this is not about YOU, it is about HIM. This is not your responsibility. You cannot spend the rest of your life with someone you no longer want to be with just because HE wants it.
Be strong. It will be worth it in the end.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 March 2017):
 What the hell is he threatening you for? So what of he tells your parents? They're YOUR parents, they'll side by you no matter what!
Just tell your parents everything that you've told us and tell them about how he's threatening you. Your parents will handle the situation and deal with him.
Don't worry about him harming himself, trust me, this is just a pressure tactic. He will no absolutely nothing. Remember, if he had to do anything, he would do it without telling you. The fact that he's announcing means that he'll do nothing. Even if he does, how is it your fault? Don't fall for this intimidation and blackmail.
Just leave him immediately, block his number, don't respond to him no matter what he says or how he threatens you. Keep all his mails, messages and call records as proof in case you need to hand him over to the police. Yes, it may come to that and there is nothing to get scared about. One whack on his backside and he'll come straight to his senses.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 March 2017):
 Yes, you should not have started to USE another guy as a "feel-good" because your relationship and your BF made you feel like crap. It's NEVER a good "solution" to involve another person in an already troubled relationship.
However, I don't think you WOULD have reached out to this guy (the "friend") if your relationship were going great (still NOT an excuse to do it) It does explain where YOU see yourself in the relationship. NOT happy. Absolutely miserable.
I think the BEST thing you can do for YOURSELF and this controlling and manipulative BF of yours, is to BREAK up. 100%.
You say he was manipulative before, now he had the AMMO (if I don't micro manage you, you will do "bad things again") so now he is trying to isolate you take FULL control. Can you imagine that in a marriage? That sounds more like a personal HELL to me.
END it. LET him tell your parents. (or you tell your parents FIRST about your F-up with the other guy and THEN you dump him). SO WHAT if he tells your parents? Your parents LOVE you no matter what. And I am willing to "bet the farm" that they WANT you to be happy and AWAY from this guy. YELL them that he has threatened to smear your reputation to them and to kill himself but that you CAN NOT stay with him ANY LONGER. THEY will SUPPORT you.
Your BF is using EMOTIONAL blackmail claiming he will kill himself if you leave. YOU should NOT have to stay with someone when all you bring each other is MISERY!!
IF you REALLY think he will commit suicide CONTACT his family AFTER you have broken up so THEY can take care of him. NOT your issue. And NOT your responsibility.
Before you break up CHANGE all your PASSWORDS. And AFTER you end it BLOCK him on EVERYTHING and consider changing your phone number. My advice? BREAK up with him over the phone, DO NOT met up in person for this. And have someone with you when you do it (and obviously not a male friend, but someone you can trust). Make it short and precise, EMPHASIZE that you want NO further contact, NO friendship and to NEVER see him again.
This is YOUR life. Don't let HIM decide how you should live it!
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