A
female
age
51-59,
*mybates
writes:Hi, i am a 41 year old woman, i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and it has been a very up and down relationship, he has always been a very angry man and i have found it very hard with him, we have a 2 year old child together of which he never wanted, he tried to get me to have an abortion eleven times and says i trapped him but i never, my contraception i was on never worked and it was no ones fault but i have already got two sons from a very long and loving first marriage and so i just could not contemplate an abortion i did try but couldn't go through with it. I was seperated from my first husband when i met this man and he told me he had been seperated also for a year so we began to see each other but it was stupid of me looking back, he would see me for an hour then leave, not see me again for days, his phone would be off then he would come round stay for a bit go again, sometimes we would go for a drink out but he would never stop, he said he was like he was because he always was on shift work so was sleeping when he was not working most of the time. Months went on and he started to ask for money like an idiot i gave it him and then i would not see him for a while and then he would come back again. He told me one time his wife's father had died and had to take her away for the funeral but was short of money so i gave him money again, he was supposed to see me before he went but never, i later found out he had not died so god knows what he did with the money, i never saw his house he claimed to live alone in either. Eight months on he moved in but kept going to see his wife he would tell me saying he had to sort things out i hated it he would be gone ages, this went on for a while and he knew i hated it so claimed she had moved away and he had stopped speaking to her and seeing her, then just before last Christmas i had suspicions for a while of him seeing her but could not prove it, when he hadn't cleared his calling history her number was on there and a few times i reckon his mate lied for him but can't prove it and i know he has met up with her behind my back anyway just before Christmas i left a recorder on and he phoned her within minutes of me going out, he told her he loved her twice, told her everything would be ok and not to worry, i went mad told him to leave but he begged and said he loved me wanted me and would get divorced in January, that went by and i confronted him again in Febuary he said he would phone her tell her he wants a divorce but something happened and that went by, he just makes excuses, since the phone call i found out he had been in contact with her all the time since we first got together but he won't admit to seeing her because he knows i can't prove it completly, it's not April and we have been together over four years i have now been divorce for three and a half years, of which he kept moaning at me to sighn the papers, what do i do, i don't think he will ever get divorced. he says he will, thay have no kids so he must only be holding onto her, he says when he said he loved her it was in a friendly way but no matter what you don't say that to your ex do you, do you think i am mad and do you you think i have any hope of his divorce, he says i am pushing it and that is why he won't, sorry its so long.
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abortion, christmas, divorce, money, moved in, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 1. There is no need for you to be ashamed of what your uncle did to you; it's only a secret if you fear exposure. If you're willing to let the truth come out,he no longer has any power to use this against you. Right now your priority needs to be the safety of you and your children, not whether or not something that happened to you rips your family up.
2. I don't know about the U.K., but no court in the U.S. would remove a child from his mother without cause. It's not that easy and this is an empty threat. Again, don't let him intimidate you; he only has as much power as you give him.
3. Have him arrested for assault. Get his ass locked up unless you plan to live in fear for the rest of your life. Take his shit to his wife's house, change your locks, get a big ass dog, get an order of protection--do whatever you need to do to keep him away from you.
Again, ask yourself why you want this man so much.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 April 2010):
Now he's getting violent, and your child saw. You must leave or it will seriously affect your child.
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A
female
reader, amybates +, writes (20 April 2010):
amybates is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have had another big argument today me mentioning his wife, he had his hands round my throat twice calling me all sorts, my little boy saw all this and was saying sorry mommy i am gonna get out, i have too, i am so scared though of what he might do, he has threatend to let out a secret of mine that my uncle abused me when little and i dont want it to come out it would rip my family apart, he said he would get my little boy taken from me and do me in, i dont know what to do, i cant leave as its my house, so scared.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (17 April 2010):
You have not said one positive thing about him, yet for some reason you want him. By your own admission, he is angry, difficult and a liar.If he divorces his wife do you honestly think his behavior will change?
Having gone from a loving first marriage to this jackhole, I can't fathom why you think the way he treats you is acceptable. Nowhere in your post do you even mention that you love him. Please re-read what you wrote and seriously think about why you are fighting so hard to keep this man.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (17 April 2010):
Honey. Seriously??? He's been dragging this on for 4 years? While you managed to dispatch your divorce years ago. LOOK at that. You wanted to do something and you did it. If he wanted to do it, he would have done it too. Why didn't he? Because he doesn't WANT to. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. And you are letting him because even though you know, for a FACT, that he lies and lies and lies some more, you still believe some of his lies.
Notice how when you get mad and want to leave him THEN he loves you and will get a divorce. How convenient. But he didn't did he? Again. Because he doesn't want to. You need to stop listening to what he says (since it's all lies and rubbish) and start looking at what he does. His actions are the key to understanding what he truly thinks and wants. He took money from you, he calls his wife the minute you walk out the door.
If all this man does is make you miserable then how long until you wake and and say enough?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 April 2010):
I'm afraid you need to leave this man. End of. I could be here all day explaining why you should leave. I can't spend a second telling you why you should keep him.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (17 April 2010):
 I realise my post is probably not what you want to hear, but nevertheless it just has to be said...stop being a doormat to this loser. He is a sperm donor and nothing more. He takes your money, asks you to abort a child, pathologically lies about his marital situation and you feel the need to tape conversations and run through his phone numbers...at the point when you resort to spying on him don't you think alarm bells should be going off in your head to leave him for good. If you don't do it for you, think about your child. What sort of message is it sending to your child about the nature of adult relationships...surely you must hope for a better future for your little one and don't want to role-model what it is to be a victim to predatory losers. He won't leave his wife and even if he does, why would you want him? He hardly treats you well and as you say he is 'angry' (oh bless him, poor thing...that makes it ok then doesn't it). He is a selfish loser but then you get treated as you let people treat you. It is perfectly ok to make mistakes but you should be learning from them. He probably has a ton of cash stashed somewhere and doesn't want to divorce his wife because she will get half. He also thinks if he leaves you then child support will be after him for the contents of his wallet. Even if he leaves his wife for you (he won't), he is a cheater and prone to repeating that bad behaviour. Who says there won't be other ladies in his life in the future? He seems to give you absolutely nothing whatsoever and you swallow his lies because it is what you want to hear. However, there is no cosy cottage and picket fence in the conclusion to this matter. Lose patience with him, open the front door, kick him out and change the locks for the sake of your dignity and your child.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 If you can believe him , the world would be a square and not round. He has proven to be a habitual lier and nothing more.
Don't ever make the mistake of listening to what he promised. He will never leave his wife for you but will continue to milk you of your human kindness and your hard earned money.
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