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female
,
anonymous
writes: There is a guy who I am really good friends with. I think the friendship could develop as we get on so well, but there is just one thing that bothers me. We see each other tons but it is him that suggests where we go all the time. I always thought guys liked girls that took the initiative but he has rejected my attempts at suggesting places/things to do. I have suggested a few places or things to do as I thought it was unfair to expect him to say where we are going all the time. However, the first time I suggested somewhere he stalled so long that the film I wanted to see finished its run at the cinema. I shouldn’t have waited so long. He had been really busy. He kept saying he would see when he was free but didn’t set a date - I wonder if the reason he kept me hanging on is that, while he couldn’t go, he didn’t want me going with anyone else? I’ve suggested another activity and he has said no, he is going out somewhere else. I’m quite sensitive and don’t always handle rejection well (he doesnt seem to be rejecting me as he always makes plans to see me, he rejects my suggestions), but I do see a pattern emerging and wonder why he is doing it. He always enjoys himself heaps when we’re out together and arranges other things for us to do. I obviously figure in his future in some capacity because he’s made arrangements for us to go out at the end of May. What do you all think about this behaviour? Is he trying to control the friendship? Just knows his own mind and won’t go to anything he doesn’t like? I’ve never encountered this before so don’t really know how to handle it. He is quite shy and I wonder if some of it could be a social thing. On a positive side, I have to say he is an absolute sweetie so just want some strategies as to how to deal with it without playing games. Thank you very much for your help.
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female
reader, Anja +, writes (20 April 2006):
 Maybe he feels he needs to be in control as he lacks the confidence in other areas. The only way he can show confidence is by being controlling and uncompromising. A good friend would come to compromises in most situations. It is only fair and right that he considers your requests to do something you want to do. I would be a bit firmer and explain that if he is a good friend he would understand. If he doesn't want to do what you suggest , and you desperately want to do it...just go it alone...tell him that day that he can go off and do his thing...while you do yours. You don't have to be tied to one another in everything you do. Only get together when you want to do the same thing. If he gets upset, then he is insecure and immature, do you want to be friends with someone like this? x
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