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female
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anonymous
writes: How do I make my husband try to work at our relationship?We were introduced by a relative in 2004 and hit it off. We were quickly engaged and decided to get married. My husband works at sea and is away for months and comes home for a maximum of 3 months.Shortly after our courtship I fell pregnant and we have a baby of a just under a year old.On his return from sea the first time, this was when I had the baby, he complained about being unhappy and relatives came over (the lady who introduced us and his mother) and resolved the issues. I am from a background where I never saw my parents argue and therefore when he called me from sea and was unhappy with the way I did not call him often I told him I did not do arguments because for me this was alien to me. Anyway this was resolved. I have also had employment diffuiculties since I met my husband and I am convinced that the financial pressures are getting to him. I recently moved house for a role which did not work out and therefore the financial burden has fallen on him again. However, I have asked him to pay only what he can (which he does now) and I survive as best I can. I am on the lookout for jobs and he is aware of this.While away at sea I realised that my husband was calling me less. On his second return from sea my husband retreated into a shell. Wouldnt speak to me, only answered monosyllabically, but managed to text ANother person incessantly, sleeps in another room, apparently because of the baby's crying, is generally angry and moody and despite efforts by relatives to speak to him, he has refused to go for counselling and tells me that had he not signed a marriage certificate would have walked. Nothing I do pleases him and I find myself emotionally exhausted as I do not know where I stand. His solution is to go and find a flat on his own to see if things will work that way. I disagree with this but have resigned myself to accepting this but I cannot see how we can work at our relationship under separate roofs.I am unhappy because he is uncommunicative and does not seem to want to work things out and neither seems to care that I am terribly unhappy.What do I do?
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female
reader, Lou77 +, writes (14 February 2006):
 It sounds as though you have no control over the relationship and I suspect you never really have. Your husband sounds as though he didn't really think about the resposibilities involved in a marrage and hasn't taken your feeling into account at all. I can't tell you what your husband feels, but it sounds as though you have lost a lot of your self esteem, long distance relationships are very difficult and I imagine you have felt very isolated at times. My advise is to concentrate on yourself for the time being, I know it's hard when you don't know here you stand but you need to be strong and focus on you and your child. There's an old saying that you can't expect anyone else to love you unless you love yourself, I think it's true in your case (and in many people sadly), I think you deserve a lot more than this guy is offering (or not as the case may be!). I don't know what qualifications you have but I found it really helpful to do a part time adult course at college so that you can find a job you really love. I would also take time for yourself with your friends and ensure you keep close to your family as they are people who should always be there for you. If nothing I have said has really helped all I can say is be strong and never let anyone make you feel you don't deserve what you really want. I hope you are happier again soon, you deserve so much more than this.xxx
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