A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy 4 years ago. At the time I was 25 and he was 38. We soon started seeing each other and after 4 months I had met his family. Everything seemed to be going well other than the fact that he started working longer hours and going out salsa dancing pretty much every night of the week which I didn't realise at the time was intended to see me less.After 6 months of dating, I found out that he had been seeing other girls. When I asked him about it, he said it was because he met us all at the same time and had stopped seeing them when things got serious between us. He isn't the sort of person who lies about facts and so I believed him.Our relationship started to change after that and we started spending less time together. He said he preferred more alone time and couldn't cope with too much people time.We than began a series of break ups and make ups which are still going on. When we break up, i start to miss him. I talk to him about everything and he is very good and listening and supporting me. I don't really have anyone else who knows me as well as he does and so when we are not together I feel alone. The problem is he has no intentions of pursuing a committed relationship with me. I keep hoping that one day he will change his mind about that but I'm not sure if that will actually ever happen. He blows hot and cold. He tells me I'm the most amazing girl he knows and letting me go is difficult and yet he also tells me he's not sure he wants a committed relationship or a family, he potentially wants to be alone. But when we aren't together he dates other girls who he quickly decides he's not into. I don't understand why he dates girls if he doesn't want a relationship and he doesn't seem to have a good answer for that.I feel stuck in this 4 year pattern of making up and breaking up and hoping he might finally decides he wants to commit to me. I keep hoping that things will change but they don't. The longest we have been apart and not spoken is 2 months but I haven't managed any more than that in the last 4 years. Don't know what to do! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2014): I think you've wasted more than enough time on this man. Now would be a good time to stop contact and to start to rebuild your life.
He lied about all the other women he was seeing and he will keep telling you whatever to keep you on the hook, never giving you or anyone else a commitment. He is a player and he is not in your age range. He is the worst type of player because he somehow convinced you that he is a good guy.
You need to be the one to end it for good, don't keep getting back together with him. Take this time to start to meet other people and expand your horizons. Good luck.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 July 2014):
 Do you really not understand why he dates girls if he does not want a relationship ? really ?! I'd say it's pretty intuitive : for fun ! He gets laid, enjoys the thrill of the chase and a variety of different bodies and dfferent sexual performances, some companionship and convo for when he is not in the mood for being alone, but total privacy and freedom , no obligations, for when he is not. He gets to go salsa dancing too :), he flirts and banters and sees what happens. It's a good time.
Look, the truth of the matter is that , if you aren't a family minded type, being single IS fun, and poses you no limitations, while having a relationship is fun too, but implies rules regulations and restrictions.
Guys like yours don't " do " relatonships unless they meet someone really really amazing ( to them ) that makes them totally lose their head ( and even so, they'll have a hard time adjusting to monogamy ) or, several years down the road, and when the pickings get slimmer, if they decide willingly, sort of " in cold blood ", that's a bout time to stop playing and start settling down.
But, what's the hurry- in the meantime, they have so many nice naive ladies like you to string along and toy with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2014): The guy is the classic player. He keeps women dangling on a string at his beck and call. He says sweet things, and shows up for booty calls in the night; or just to keep the coals burning, he pretends to be her best friend. Like keeping a foot in the door, just in-case he has a sex-drought with other females.
You have grown emotionally-dependent, and placed your life on hold; while waiting for him to change his mind about committing to you. He gets everything he wants without committed to anyone. That's the life of a player. Just getting sex, coming and going as he pleases, and just keeping women waiting and trying to figure-out if he cares at all.
It is well past time that you let go and move on with your life. You living in desperation, and have given up any hope that you are worthy of any man; if he will not take you. My dear lady, you are far too young to let your life be keep in suspended-animation over one guy. Especially one who tells you he will not commit and "wants to be alone."
You don't mind just waiting, and letting him call the shots.
That is far too passive.
It is usually a woman with very low self-esteem that would do this to herself. I don't know exactly what it is about this guy that he has such a hold on you; but it is time you break-it. You can, you just don't want to have to get out there in the dating scene; and reestablish yourself as single and available.
Talk to your girlfriends and get some opinions. They will give you some support, and tell you what you need to hear from a more personal-connection. My guess is that you've been avoiding other women. All your attention is focused on this guy.
Well, you are letting your prime years getaway. Chasing the same guy, and the sad part is. He is not that into you.
Try placing yourself out there and see what it's like to be in the dating-world again. Don't just settle for crumbs of attention he offers you out of pity, or nothing better to do. I think the advice given by all of us combined is going to give you a whole new outlook.
He gets everything he wants handed to him, so he has no reason to commit to you or anyone. That's how players roll.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 July 2014):
 Girl, wake up and smell the coffee. Who cares why he doesnt want to commit. He doesnt want to. The more important question is: why on eartg do you want to commit to him??? Seriously, do you not know there are other men in the world? You do not need this particular one in order to be happy, and you are wasting your youth on him. He doesnt want you! After all this time thats quite obvious. So you need to make a decision: is this on and off thing, with no committment, enough for you? If yes, then stay and keep hoping and just continue this misery. If no, then ditch him and move on! It is not physically impossible for you to cut him out of your life if you actually make up your mind about it.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (31 July 2014):
 The two of you want very different things. He just wants to screw around while you want commitment. It's been 4 years already so if he hasn't committed by now (he hasn't even made a move towards it), then he won't commit to you possibly ever. Now this is what you need to understand: Some guys don't want commitment but they want someone who will be a constant in their lives in case they need someone to be there for them or they need regular sex or just to have deep meaningful conversations with once in a while but that's all it is. Guys like this won't commit to the person they're with and even if they do someday commit, it's less likely to be the person who they had on and off relationships with for a multiple number of years. It actually ends up being the next girl they go long term with that they commit to. It's just something I've noticed in today's world. It's a relationship of convenience for him. If he has told you that he doesn't want commitment then to him you're sticking around because you don't expect anything to come of the relationship. I bet if he knew you were waiting around for commitment he'd probably be freaked out and be the first to leave. You've spent 4 years waiting on him, waiting for his mind to change. Why not just accept that what you want is totally different from what he wants and just move on. I'm sure you don't want to waste another 4 years just waiting . . . Hoping that one day this man will see you as more than a partner of convenience. Move on and find a man worth your time and energy. Someone who will appreciate you for who you are and will want to be with you every chance he gets. Someone who won't just be with you when it suits him. You've let this man call the shots for too long and it's got you nowhere. It's time to move on OP.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2014): "He tells me I'm the most amazing girl he knows and letting me go is difficult and yet he also tells me he's not sure he wants a committed relationship or a family"He's telling you what you want to hear while making no promises to which you can hold him."I don't understand why he dates girls if he doesn't want a relationship and he doesn't seem to have a good answer for that."Probably because if he was honest and told you that he just wants to get laid then you'd stop having sex with him."I feel stuck in this 4 year pattern of making up and breaking up and hoping he might finally decides he wants to commit to me. I keep hoping that things will change but they don't."He has no reason to want things to change because he knows he can continue to string you along and when you do "break up" he can enjoy the freedom to see other women until you come crawling back, as you always do. "Don't know what to do!"You can continue to waste your life stuck in a perpetual cycle of break up/make up while waiting for him to magically change into the guy you want him to be or you can reclaim your self-respect, dignity and pride by walking away with head high and eyes forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2014): I'm much older but was in a very similar situation, four years of dating lots of breakups where he would date others and then we would try again, but nothing would ever change.
His needs were being met, but mine weren't.
Value yourself and find a man who will commit and want to be with you. Life is too short and time is too precious to waste on men like these. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 July 2014):
 First of all you need to decide if you are happy to continue like this, or not.
Really think about your answer, continuing as you are will mean you continue exactly as it is now, seeing him intermittently, him not wanting the same sort of relationship as you, and the cycle of break up make up.
If you really want to break the cycle it means he (probably) wont be in your life anymore.
Those are your choices, stay as you are, continue too feel miserable, continue hoping for something that isn't going to happen, continue clinging to a man who wants a different outcome to you, continue feeling, quite frankly, like crap, until he gets sick of you and dumps you. (Because you are not going to dump him, right!).
OR ............. decide that is not for you, accept you will feel lonely for a while, accept if a change is to happen it is up to you.
Walk away from this man that does not value you .... just walk, and go cold turkey! No contact, block his phone, don't answer his calls, block him on social media so that he cant contact you, and you cant stalk him, no emails, no late night phone calls, nothing.
If you feel yourself leaning towards contacting him do something you don't normally do instead, go for a walk, visit family or friends, anything, just don't contact him. You know you can go two months, so try for 4 or six with no contact.
You are responsible for being in this mess with a man who dates other women and does not value or respect you at all, and so you need to take the responsibility for getting out of it.
Come back and discuss here if you feel yourself falling by the wayside, support is available, you just have to ask for it!
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (31 July 2014):
 Put bluntly: he has no reason to change, because you keep coming back to him. You're saying with words that a casual arrangement is not what you want, but your actions tell him you're willing to settle for it if no greater commitment is an option.
He dates girls because he wants companionship and presumably sex when you're not in his life to provide those things. I wouldn't take that as an indicator that he does secretly want a relationship with someone - he just wants his needs met.
I do commend him for being honest with you about his unwillingness to commit, as some men in his shoes would be lying and stalling and stringing you along. But the flip side is this: you now KNOW this about him. He has made your choice pretty clear: have an unconventional arrangement with him or a conventional relationship with someone else. If four years with you have not changed his mind, then you'll be wasting some of the best years of your life staying with someone who clearly cannot/will not give you what you want from a romantic relationship. In your shoes, I'd move on.
Good luck and best wishes.
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