A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was in a relationship with a guy, but I ended things with him for various reasons. He will NOT go away though. He cries, complains, begs, does whatever to have "another shot." I've been very honest with him telling him that I do not see him in my future and that he lacks many of the qualities I desire/need in a partner. I don't know how to get rid of him... I'm seeing other people and he causes me so much stress. I cannot even try to date other people when he is still hanging around questioning my every move. He's not a threat in that I would need a restraining order. He mostly just annoying. I am very blunt and honest - and sometimes I feel like that has the opposite effect I want it to have and he ends up more attached. Getting away from him feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I enjoy his friendship (kind of - more like I can tolerate it) but I cannot be with him because he is too controlling, not devoted to succeeding in life, secretive, etc. How can I get rid of him? This has been going on for months now. I'm sick of placating him because I don't want to hurt him - Do I tell him I'm seeing other people? I don't want to ruin our "friendship" or whatever you would call it - but I have to in this case because that's the only way he will get over me. Is there a way to make him hate me? I've tried telling him I was unfaithful... that didn't work. I've told him I do not have romantic feelings for him and that I do not want to have sex with him... he still doesn't get it? AHH what do I do?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): because you don't want him to
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): It appears you're confused about what type of relationship you want with the guy. On one hand you say that you enjoy his friendship while at the same time you say he's annoying and you want him to go away. You contradict yourself like this all throughout. The only thing you are consistent about is that you know that he knows what he wants which is essentially you. Perhaps you need to figure out what you want or come to terms with your true feelings for him. I tend to think you are in love with the guy but for whatever reason you don't want to accept it so you're just keeping him at bay until you really find a way to accept what you don't want to accept. Stop displacing your confusion on him. Obviously he loves you. Do you want to be loved?????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): you're speaking out of both sides of your mouth maybe he needs to get a restraining order against you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): I agree with the contradiction thing. Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. Be true to yourself. You know what he wants but you don't know what you want. Reread your thoughts. I walked your walk and not a day passes that I don't dwell in regret 12 years later. Smart up life's too short.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): seems like you're playing mind games with him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Your presentation reeks of contradiction. He's not the problem; you are. Grow up. Stop stringing him along. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one playing childish games with your heart. Sink or Swim; Love him or Free him. You're not the only one entitled to Love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): You can't be friends with him it seems... and you need to take steps to make you aren't event a glimmer of being associated with him for him to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is the type of person who reads too much into everything, and you can't be so much as the slightest friend with him, or he'll continue to think you have more than just a friendship. Telling him you were unfaithful was bad, because it gave him the idea that you were cheating on him and therefore still together in some way.
You have to choose your words well, such as "get lost" and "I don't ever want to see your face again." They're meaner, but he'll have a harder time convincing himself you meant anything less in saying them, and twisting those words in his head. If you remain any type of friend with him, you won't be able to pull that off successfully, as he'll convince himself you are waiting for or want something closer, with him.
The trick is to be absolutely mean in your words, not just blunt. For example, when you told him you don't see a future with him in it, he told himself he would find a way, and when you said he lacked much of what you look for in a partner, he thought he might be able to fool you by changing some things. In being absolutely mean and keeping your words simple, he can't feel there's a game to win, and he'll give up. If you make him feel there's no chance at all, he won't be able to feel there's maybe some small chance. Give him nothing, because that's what you want him to give you in return.
Yes.. it's very cruel, but that's the only way you'll lose this stalkerish obsessed guy.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 Contrary to what you say I believe it IS a case for a restraining order.
You say its been going on for months, how many more months are you willing to put up with him influencing your life in such a negative fashion?
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