A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I went on a vacation with my baby and when I was gone my husband got totally wasted with some friends and went to a whore house and had sex with a prostitute. Right after I got home from my vacation my husband and I put our child to sleep and he started crying and confessed everything. He said that he hates himself for what he did and he would have never done somthing like that if he wouldnt have been drunk. He said he would neevr pick up a beer again for the rest of his life. He told me he couldn't stand looking me in the eye and not telling me. He said that his guy friends (all married) said they would pay and kept trying to get him to go do it. He said his friend paid for 2 prostitutes and he started to sober up on the second one and stopped them. When they were all done he asked the guys why they let him do it and they said oh it gets easier just don't think about it or it will eat at you. I am so confused as to what I should do. I love him so much but I hate what he did to our family. I'm so confused please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): It is our child together.. 1yr old.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009): Thanks for all your help. To answer some questions my husband could not go on vacation cause he is in the military and couldn't get leave. Also his so called "Friends" are just co workers and he said to me that they weren't real friends and he didn't know until that night that they were cheaters. He also told me that he would have no problem ever talking to them again unless it was work realated. But what he says and does are two things because I dont believe anything he says at the moment. Also I made him get checked for STDS. He does have a wondering eye and he does like his porn. However, not in a million years would I have guessed he would do this. We are young only 23 years old. However, he is USUALLY a good man. He stays at home with us and doesn't really go out very much we go to chruch and have a normal sex life. My husband called the chaplin the first day we got back and we are maeting with him tomorrow. Thanks again I love any advice I can get it helps me through my days and talking to people I don't know helps me through the humiliation.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 February 2009):
 You went on vacation with YOUR baby? Not OUR baby? Is the baby his?
What is going on that you ain't telling? The background story?
Yes, what he did is wrong, but is it part of a larger problem in your marriage?
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (10 February 2009):
Wow, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go against my gut and try - briefly - to give the benefit of the doubt.1) Is this completely out of character for him? Is he a wandering eye kind of guy? A boys-will-be-boys boy? Should we read anything into the fact that he didn't go on vacation with you? The fact that he confessed everything and said he'd never drink again, is consistent with him being actually surprised and disgusted with himself. Of course he could still have a serious self-control issue, or he could be deluding himself, or flat out lying. But true surprise and remorse is possible.2) The details matter here, but it sounds like he is trying to say that these friends, who presumably he didn't know were capable of this, got him wasted, and then essentially took advantage of him. Date-raped him via prostitutes, if you will.Let's assume for the moment that this was true. If that somehow happened to me, I would, yes, swear off losing control with people I do not know well. But in a way we all know that. The relevant part isn't the beer. It's the friends. If someone took advantage of me sexually (directly or indirectly), I wouldn't blame the substance, I'd blame the people. I'd be borderline violently livid, same as if they had slept with my wife (since the potential loss is the same). I would be calling up the wives and explaining what great guys their husbands are. At the very least, I'd be telling these guys that what they did was inexcusable, borderline illegal, and that if they ever so much as looked in my direction again I would make sure their wives knew all the gory details.If that was what happened.So I read your telling of his version of events, and I what sticks out is "said they would pay", "kept trying to get him to go do it." Sounds like a reasoned discussion going on, when someone who gets it should be walking the other way.Back to the beer. People don't do risky things because they get drunk. They get drunk because they want to do risky things.Pretend you are out with a guy friend, and he's all over you, jokingly pressuring you for sex, and you have a boyfriend (much less a spouse). You don't go have a few beers with him. You stop there and then say it isn't funny and it stops or you leave. (Or more simply: you leave.)So I get the sense that he does not (or certainly did not) take the situation seriously. It sounds like he was intrigued by the idea, while knowing it was wrong, and was willing to play along a little, and got carried away (via said alcohol). That would also make his friends' (if they are really friends) activities make more sense. How many people pressure friends to do something that really horrifies them? More like your friends trying to talk you into buying those Jimmy Choo shoes.And I'm sorry to use such a trivial example, but that's the point. You do that for things you want that you shouldn't have, but won't really cause any harm. His friends seemed to think there was no harm. Part of him seems to have agreed.So his claim is that he gets it now. (1) He needs to take responsibility for choosing to hang out with these guys, choosing to participate in conversations about adultery, and choosing to give up control via drinking in this crowd. If he can't take responsibility, he doesn't get it.(2) He needs to take responsibility for any ongoing relationship with these "friends", and how that would make you feel. They are essentially the "other woman", from an emotional perspective. The ones disrespecting the bond. Plus, dear God, they are apparently slimeballs. His choice of friends reflects his values.(3) He needs to understand that having broken your trust, things won't be the same soon, if ever. It's not a case of "your turn to punish him", but he is going to have to let you dictate the course and pace of where you go from here. And any trust is likely to depend on him showing real understanding of what he has done, taking responsibility, and making real changes, and sustaining them.(4) He needs to understand that all that may not be enough. There is pain in every deep relationship, that we live with because the happiness and meaning outweighs it, and gives it context. My wife once lost something of mine, that was my most prized possession in the world. And it just killed her, and it pains her to this day. And it pains me too, but knowing how much my loss mattered to her, and that she was willing to bear that hurt rather than shrug it off, gives the loss meaning. You'll probably have to find meaning in it over time. I've no experience with infidelity to give you suggestions on that, but I think if I were to stay with my wife in a situation like that, I would have to know that it hurt her as much as me, and that she made changes to ensure it never happened again.Hope some of that helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 February 2009):
 Ouch, I am sorry that life has handed you this trial. I want to start out by saying that I do not in any way excuse your husband for what he did. It was wrong.
You Say you love him, and you hate what he did. That is a very positive attitude for you to have.
His immediate confession is also a good sign. But repentance is a change nor just a confession. He has a long way to go. Removing alcohol from his life is a good step. The next step will be harder. He must sever the ties with his "friends". They succeeded in bringing a good man down once, they will try again. You will also both need some counseling. This is not a simple matter. It will take time to rebuild the trust.
Now of course it is up to you what to do next. To give you some hope let me mention that studies indicate that couples that work through these kinds of problems tend to be happier 5 years down the road than couples that divorce. Not a guarantee but it often does work out.
FA
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