A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am upset because my boyfriend lied to me about something I think is important. I'm not a big fan of strip clubs, and to me, it kind of seems like cheating if your boyfriend is looking at other chicks that are half naked. Anyhow, I was studying abroad (I was there for five months) and I got the feeling that he had gone to a strip club while he was away for his sister's wedding. I emailed him and asked him about it, and I told him not to lie to me because I value truth. He told me that he didn't go and he scolded me for my angry email. However, I found out last week (two months after the incident) that he had lied to me about it. I feel like I can't trust him, and my self-esteem is shot. What am I supposed to do? Any help is appreciated; I'm sick of crying.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Truthfully I think Collaroy had the best insight. You sound kinda insecure. You had a "feeling" that he went to a strip club? I don't think you woulda gotten that feeling if you already trusted him. I think it's likely that you'd be equally as upset if he'd told the truth.
Also if you have this big problem with strip clubs just what other things do you disaprove of? The more things you tell him he can't do the more likely you are to be lied to.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Not for the sake of debate, I think you're right Wizard: nobody can claim moral superiority over anybody just because he or she doesn't happen to go to strip clubs.
I also agree that some people won't find a visit to a strip club objectionable, and some others will. In this case, the poster objects to it, and I guess that is her right.
As to handling the truth, I side with the poster. There is a difference between not being able to handle a truth, as in "you have an incurable disease and only three months to live" and not being told the truth because it's not pleasant, as in "I cheated on you". In this case, the boyfriend knew the poster would disapprove of his going to the strip club, and that was why he hid it. In my personal case, if someone hides an important thing from me, I tend to believe s/he could equally well hide other, more important truths. And that is where the problem lies, I guess. It's not so much the act in itself, but the lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Thanks for all of the advice...I think I should have written a bit more in my question though. First, I told my boyfriend how I felt about strip clubs before we even started dating and he comprehended. Secondly, my trust in my boyfriend was always the thing I told everybody was the greatest part of our relationship: We trusted each other completely and never lied to each other. However, just a month before the strip-club ordeal, he told me the truth about a big lie that he'd been telling me since before we were dating, but to be fair, he was telling me the lie so that he "wouldn't lose" me. This really shook me, especially since I was in a foreign country, and I told him that we would be okay if we just told each other the truth. Also, I did not find out from a different source. We got into an argument last Friday and he finally told me about it. I think the part that bothers me the most is the lying. We've been talking about it for the past week and he says that it will not happen again because, once again, he doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose him either, but I want to find WAYS to rebuild trust. If anyone knows something we can do, that would be great!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Same old, same old... I hate his hobby, I told him I hated it. I went away. He went somewhere to do his hobby. My woman's intution told me not to trust him. I asked him, he got angry and said of course I didn't do my hobby. Now I've found out that he lied. It's his fault. Why does he have hobbies I don't like. Why did he lie...... I keep crying all the time, because he did something wrong, and I can't trust him again... sigh
Babes, you have things you like and things you hate. You explained this to him, but he didn't understand. He wanted to things he liked, and he lied because he didn't want to upset you. This guy is not for you. You have different values and interest in life. Find somebody else who shares your values and then you will be ok. Your relationship will never be the same, you didn't trust him before, and you'll never trust him again. Sorry, finish this relationship and find somebody else.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Nothing wrong with wanting to be with an honest person, and one that doesn't visit places like that.
You know now he can lie and for a length of time too.
What you do about that has to be up to you.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): This kind of thing seems more common in America. Personally I would never accept it, it's just not right when your in a relationship and if he dosen't respect that...then for me that would be the end. If it was a one off thing, then just confront him about it and lay down how you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): You sound like you have good principles and relationship values. You aren't afraid to to communicate that to your partners. That is a good way to be. First of all, there are a ton of decent men out there who do not seek fulfillment from nightclubs and strippers. Really, there are...I know a lot of good men who can't be bothered with this sort of thing. And you should never be made to feel lesser of a person, for laying out values and groundrules of what you expect in a quality, good relationship. You and he have that right..you do what makes you happiest, in your life by being selective.
So, if you had informed your bf of something you don't like, because it goes against your values, and he made a clear choice to do this anyways, then he lied about it--- I think you have reason to be concerned. I agree, the trust has been shaken. I understand you, because in order to move forward with this bf of yours, you did have to get to the truth. Why? Because you value truth and honesty, in a relationship...plain and simple. . And you found out the truth, but sadly, not from him, but from another source. So I see your heartbreaking dilemma. How do you move on in a relationship with a man whose first response was to lie and then get angry at you, for something he knew you would go against your convictions? I really don't think this fellow has the maturity nor the inclination to respect what you bring to the table. He has proven himself unworthy and it's plain to see that you value yourself a lot to want a realtionship based on truth...you could always be wondering whether you can rebuild the trust again. You need to be strong and do something that makes your life happy. If you feel you can get beyond this and forgive him--then do it. The trust building will be a long process but it's been done by many a couple out there, with hard work and efforts . Or.... if you want a man true to his word, a man who shares your own life and relationship values, a man who can be trusted, wholly....then cut your ties to this man and get out there and find someone who is your 'equal' and shares your relationship values. It's your call, hun. But be strong and make the decision and then stick to it.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (1 August 2008):
Honestly, I don't think any girl really likes them. It's not fun imagining some girl with only her panties on girating on his lap and shoving her boobs in his face. However, I think guys don't see it as a "big deal" because it's just entertainment value for them. And maybe he lied because to him, it was absolutely nothing and he didn't want you to be upset over nothing. Go see some male strippers. You think the girls are bad? Those guys pretty much dry hump you among other things, but it's all in good fun. I would say just tell him how it makes you feel. Something like "you seeing strippers makes me feel like (insert here) and that is why I got upset. But I know that I can trust you (if you really do trust him) and I shouldn't get upset over foolishness. After all, the one you come home to is me." :) Hope that's a little helpful.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 August 2008):
People go to clubs because they want to see people other than their partners/spouses/whatevers strip. In my opinion, that's one step ahead of watching porn, because you're watching an actual person, who, eventually, you might hire for sex. You may not do it, but I would be more concerned about a partner going to a strip club than about her watching porn. So I can understand why you feel going to a strip club feels like cheating.
I guess the practical approach here is one of trust. If you feel you can trust your boyfriend despite his having gone to the club and lied about it, then you can stay with him. If you don't feel you can do that, then it will be best if you break up.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Hi there,
first off let me say that I absolutely hate strip clubs. I can't see the point in paying good money to watch a drug addict take her clothes of. But a lot of men do like them, and even more will go for a bucks party, a one off with a couple of mates or whatever.
However I feel this is not the real issue here, the real issue to me is you feel you need to control where he goes and who he sees.
You mention that you are sick of crying. All this over his visit to a strip club 6 months ago? Seriously dear, you need to get a grip on your emotions , I don't think a long term relationship is for you, by the sounds of it your boyfriend does behave himself and this one "slip up" was not reported to you because he knew exactly what your reaction would be.
I believe you need to assess how you behave in a relationship, as I think most guys would find it hard to put up with the constant disapproval you obviously feel the need to impart onto your boyfriend. You may struggle to hold onto this one, you are both young so why would he want this drama in his life?
Sorry for being blunt, but I feel you let something minor like a visit to a stripclub build up into a relationship threatening incident and you have some control issues as well. Being apart is not helping is it?
You sound a lot like an ex of mine, eventually I woke up one day and said to myself, I am not hurting anyone, I am a good person yet why do I have to seek her approval for everything I do and why does she make me feel bad about myself?
Life is too short to let someone judge your actions when they are innocent - it demonstrates a lack of trust and for your boyfriend it will eventually become too much for him to handle.
Good luck anyway. I hope you listen to people's advice
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A
female
reader, dreamer24 +, writes (1 August 2008):
Me n my boyfriend have this thing. If he goes I go. I'd rather be there n have fun with him then for him to do it behind my back. But if I was to find out he went to one without me knowing then straight up I would leave. I'm not down with him being around other chicks without me. Just like I'm not allowed to go to chip n dales period. (Guy strippers). Trust is gone sweetie. If they can lie to u once they can do it over n over again. What should u believe that comes out of his mouth now. You deserve better. If he was a real man he would of came out n the beginning and yes u wouldve been pissed but you would also know he wouldn't lie to u. Think about it.
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