A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am just so confused at the moment. I met this guy a few weeks ago while at an event I was working at and he was attending. We got talking and at the end he gave me his phone number as in his words if I was interested I could contact him and he didn't want to take my number and contact me if I was not interested. So I text him a few days later and we messaged back and forth for a few weeks before arranging a date. All the time we were messaging it seemed comfortable and we got on well and our first date went really well, there was no awkwardness and got on really well so we arranged another date. So we dated for a few weeks and he seemed to be really into me telling me that he was happy he met me and that he hoped things worked out between us. He used to initiate contact each day and told me that he didn't play games and liked being open and honest. Anyway things were going great and we went out for dinner the other night and he told me about his past relationship (was married for 6 years and have been seperated for 3). They have 2 kids together and while he is an active date taking kids and spending time with them, him and his ex do not have good relationship now and only speak re the kids.So he told me all this and also that he did could not have kids in future as after his seperation he had an operation and that he wanted to be honest with me and he really liked me and didn't want to continue if I thought it would be an issue in the future. In his words he didn't want to fall for me and then have me decide months down the line it would be an issue and we would both be hurt.(He said it had happened with a previous woman who had decided 2 months in it was a problem and they were both hurt and it ended badly) So after a long discussion he told me to think about everything he had said and he knew it was a big deal and that he would understand if I didn't want to continue the relationship. I told him I would need a few days to think over everything and he said he understood as it was a big decision. Well I thought about the whole thing and decided that I could see a possible future with us and I wanted to continue dating and so told him that. This is where I am confused, after I told him this he has now said that after thinking about everything himself over the few days he really doesn't want a realtionship with me and doesn't want to settle down. That I am the first person in a long time he has gone out with more than once and he doesn't feel like he wants to settle down now. Help I just don't know what happened for him to go from being the one actively wanting to be with me and spending as much time as possible with me to now not wanting me at all. Is it that he was just playing me all along or could there be another reason for him acting like this now. And what do I do now, just walk away and forget him??
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 Eh, it's definitely a case of the "it's HIM, not you". I agree that a guy who claims he doesn't play games... do indeed play games. It's a "look at his actions don't just take his word for it." Someone who feels a need to say I don't play games are familiar with "game-playing" and may not LIKE for anyone to play games but it might still be a big part of his pattern when it comes to relationships.
He got cold feet and back away - not because you aren't a decent woman but because you are not what he want (if he even knows what that is).
I would just let it go and if he gets back in touch tell him politely to go fly a kite.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 If ever you hear a man stating " I am not the type who plays games ", just run for cover, because he actually IS :) The others, those who really don't play games, don't feel the need to announce it officially, they simply .... don't play games -because game playing does not even crosses their minds and they don't need a disclaimer.
Same as I, who haven't ever stolen anything , would not think of telling a new date " You know, the good thing about me is that I am not a thief ".
I think that he liked you for casual dating but he quickly lost momentum when it all got too relationship-y. He played the " no children " card, I suspect, to get hmself an easy way out, since , in his experience, he knows that that would actually be a big problem for most single ladies your age. He gambled.. and he lost , because when you did not get scared at the idea of a childless future... he had to be a bit more forceful in disentangling himself, and admit that he is basically, just looking for fun / killing time, and that you won't be the one who'll make him change his mind.
Am I too suspicious ? The " I can 't give you children " was not ,in your opinion, an expedient to disengage himself fast and smooth ? Ok, maybe. It does not change the gist, though, that is : he is/ was into you just enough for a few dates, but not enough to make you his
partner.
Yes, you should walk away, if you cannot keep it carefree and recreational only as he means, and I think you can't, you seem more interested in him than viceversa. If you cut him loose before developping even more feelings, you do yourself a big favour, and also you may meet someone who can give you children in future.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 November 2012):
 May I go directly to your real question?.... which is:
". And what do I do now, just walk away and forget him??"
Yes.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 November 2012):
 I think he bailed out when it became too much like a relationship. He said that he's not ready to settle down. Shame he didn't think about that sooner instead of pulling the rug from under your feet. Maybe he enjoys the thrill of the chase but not what happens next i.e. a relationship.
I don't think you did anything wrong at all. I think it's about him and his issues. Yes, walk away and forget him. It's his loss.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 November 2012):
 Hi
I think he's far from open honest and upfront.His ending of the relationship shows that,plus his marriage and the other relationship ending badly.
Maybe he hoped him not wanting children would deter you from wanting to date and when it didn't he had to finish it. Something doesn't ring true but there's not alot you can do here.
I would accept its over and also its not you thats done anything wrong here.You sound genuine, stable and open.I hope you meet somebody who makes you happy
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 Maybe he had an experience with a woman who told him she would settle with no kids but later on changed her mind so he needs a woman who is very firm with the decision no kids, with that definite answer without days of thinking. Or maybe he found a woman who is done with kids, or never wants kids and he feels more comfortable with that woman. I think you should walk away. He just could not deal with a woman with a 15% chance of wanting a child. He needs a woman who hates kids, almost. A woman who has had a hysterctomy and no kids would be very compatible with him.
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