A
female
age
36-40,
*oopy84
writes:(It's long, but please read the whole thing before giving advice so you understand everything. Thanks :-D)First off, I want to say, I do not have a problem with porn as long as it's not an addiction. I believe porn can be healthy for a relationship as long as both people feel mutually about it, and they are honest with each other about it. My problem has originated from two issues:-- He's lying about it.-- He says he has a low sex drive so we don't have sex very often.Background: My husband and I have been married not even two weeks yet. We've been together for almost two years; lived with each other for a year before we got married.I knew he watched porn when it was my "time of the month" because neither of us want to have sex during that time (it's painful for me and he just doesn't like the thought), and he admitted to watching porn sometimes when I wasn't home. Not a big deal until I realized he's watching more porn than having sex with me. I was honest with him and told him I didn't mind if he needed to watch porn every once in a while but I didn't want it interfering with OUR sex life. He promised me that he only watches it during my time of the month.My husband is on sleeping medication because he has insomnia and he's also taking meds for depression that supposedly lower his sex drive. We only have sex once a week, sometimes twice, on average. Though I would like to have sex more than that, I was supportive because I knew it wasn't his fault that the meds lower his drive.Thing is, I've discovered he doesn't ONLY watch porn during that time of the month. We got into a fight about it a couple weeks before we got married because I found evidence of him watching porn when it wasn't my time of the month and after I showed him the evidence, he knew he couldn't lie about it, so he admitted it. He told me he would stop watching porn altogether if that's what I wanted because he didn't want to upset me. I told him not to do that because I didn't want to be controlling, and we went back to agreeing he would only do it during my monthly.I'm not on my monthly, and have found a porn URL typed into his computer and when I asked him about it, he said it was an old address. That would make sense if not for the fact that I found toilet paper bunched up in the kitchen trash with what looks like jizz on it, and I had been at work that day, leaving him alone at the house. I discovered it on accident when I dropped something of mine in the trash. I don't normally go snooping through the trash can (that's just too damn weird), but after I found that, I did go through the trash the next day and found ANOTHER bunch of toilet paper with what looks like the same thing on it. This is a man that rarely uses napkins or anything to wipe his mouth when he eats, so I know it's not that. I don't think he blew his nose on it because it's just too coincidental that it would be there two times in a row. Maybe him using toilet paper as a tissue would be more believable if there was a bunch of it in there, but just one a day? No.The other thing is, a while back, he admitted once that he used paper towels to "clean up" after watching porn and we had run out of paper towels, so toilet paper would have been his next option.I have come right out and asked him if he's been watching porn and his response was No, and he even got irritated at me for asking (even though he always tells me he wants me to be honest about my feelings and if I have a problem or suspicion, to ask him about it). When we talk about porn, he says he hasn't had the urge to even watch it because he "has me now," yet he admitted that sometimes he has to look at porn or just pictures to "get stirred" because of his low sex drive. But we don't have sex on the days I know he's watched porn.I'm pretty sure he's watching porn a couple times a week (when I'm at work), yet we only have sex once or twice a week. He knows I'm willing. I was a virgin when we met so sex is still kind of new to me so I want to have a lot of it. I just don't understand why he's lying to me about it. For two days now, we've had on and off conversations about it and I've given him plenty of chances to be honest with me. He knows it's causing me mental anguish, yet he continues to lie about it (pretty sure he's lying anyway, what else could have been on the toilet paper? And it's too "convenient" that every time I find porn, he says it's from a long time ago).My main question is, how do I confront him about the toilet paper and get him to confess so we can talk things out? I'm willing to accept the fact that he's going to watch porn, I just want him to be honest with me. Also, if his sex drive is so low, why is he able to get the urge to watch porn a couple times a week, and only have sex with me once a week? It's killing my self-esteem and making me hate myself, especially since he knows I'm more than willing to have sex and try new things. He even suggested we watch porn together, which I'm all for, but it hasn't happened yet. I don't initiate sex that often because every time I have in the past, he acted like he didn't really want to and he was just doing it for me, so that killed my self-esteem even more and has made me shy to keep trying.He's a good guy. He always compliments me and tells me I'm beautiful every day. He's very affectionate. It's just this one issue with him lying, but this one thing is making me feel like my inside are being torn apart.
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female
reader, boopy84 +, writes (15 September 2009):
boopy84 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi guys!
Thanks for the helpful advice.
After confronting him about it the other night, and us getting into a heated discussion, I've decided to just not worry about it anymore. It's too much stress on both of us and my paranoia about it is just making things worse.
I realized that my low self-esteem isn't helping our sex life. Maybe if I'M more confident, HE'LL be more confident. And if I chill about the porn watching, maybe he won't feel the need to watch it as much (you know how everyone always wants what they can't have, lol), or at the very least, he'll feel he won't have to keep it from me, which is what I really want--I just want honesty.
Like I said before, I don't have a problem with porn, my problem was with the lying bit and that I thought he watched more porn than wanting to be with me. But I told him I'm just going to trust him from now on, and that's what I'm gonna do. Unless I find 100% percent, hardcore evidence that he's lying to me, I'm just going to take his word for it from now on. It's just not worth the heartache. It's not like he's cheating on me.
But thank you for the responses :-) I hope I never have to post here again, ha.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Porn is not your enemy.
Try and see it this way.
If he views porn and decides he isn't going to be stimulated, he can close the window or turn off the DVD and no one's feelings are hurt. No one is going to think it is a reflection of how he feels about them. There will be no resentment stemming from the question: “hy start something if you aren’t going to finish it?”
Instead of forcing him to be confess about a topic he may feel incredibly ashamed of, why not just act as though you know. Do not force him to confess. Just say, "Listen, I know. As long as my needs are met, I'm ok with it. Nope! I am not arguing. You and I BOTH know you’re doing it.” Say this lightly, perhaps even with a smile.
Then DROP IT!
Instead, explain to him that he has enough interest in porn to view it several times a week, and you want some of that action. Book the appointment for him to address the issue with his doctor. You can also ask to speak with his doctor to discuss the aspect of pornography. Perhaps the doctor will confirm the porn is a helpful tool; helping to awaken his sex drive.
Then, be supportive. When you discover porn sites on the web, view it yourself to see what he finds interesting. Ask him what he likes and what he doesn't and incorporate it into the bedroom.
Bring porn into your home by renting it at the video store or buy him a membership to a certain site. Ask him to tag those things he likes so you can look at them too.
I can understand that your self-esteem has suffered. He is suffering depression. When you agreed to marry someone with an emotional affliction, your commitment isn’t just reserved for making sure he takes his medication. It also means you have to be understanding of his issues. While your ego is bent, he may be filled with self-loathing.
It’s a difficult journey, but this early in the relationship, I am certain you can work to find an amicable middle-ground.
Good luck.
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