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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: This thing is eating me inside out for almost a year now, so I decided to seek advice here. It is a long question, because it is a devastatingly complex issue for me.We met 6 yrs ago, clicked right away, talked for hours, ending eachother's sentences. After 3 years we became aware we were in love. It went from great to the best! I was ecstatic. He saw me in a way no one else ever did. It felt like a real thing. We became a crazy couple, did fun stuff, madly inlove, together all the time.But myself being a skeptic about everything and thinking it is too good to be true I made him promise that if there is another woman anytime in future, just to tell me or to ask time for himself, I begged him not to cheat on me as this would surly kill me. I'll never forget the expression on his face - tender compassion because I'm afraid and vulnerable and insulted rage that I doubt in him. I was at peace.But things got complicated. I have a pretty conservative family and I was afraid how to tell them about him. Trying to spare the disappointment when he'd learn that my family is not one to have a lunch with or to go for a sunday trip, I tried to break up with him. He cried, he said he doesn't mind the family. But after two years (now), he told me he didn't believe me I wanted to break up with him just because of my parents and he has felt insecure ever since.Last year I took up another study and a job.It took me a lot of energy and time. We drift apart a bit. I didn't have time nor ideas for all the romantic things we usually prepared for each other. And sometimes I got angry for no reason, saying things I didn't mean. We didn't talk as much as we used to. But in that time a chance to move in with him came up. I went crazy and said no. I couldn't imagine the pressure from my family. But I didn't tell him that. I just said I still need some time for myself. I had hard time how to bring him and my family together as my mother clearly told me she doesn't like him.So when a friend suggested a journey it seemed a nice way out. I told my boyfriend we're going away for a month and asked if he was ok with it. He said yes. We still spend a beautiful summer together, I became more attentive and sweet, trying to make up for the hard year, and when I had to board the plane, we cried.The trip was great, exciting and it really helped me to get the strength to unite my two worlds - my family and my love. But when I got back, I learned that he betrayed me completely.He got close with his colleague at work. She knew about me, but she is not that kind of a person that would mind if the man is taken. So they started an affair. He says he doesn't know how he could let it happen. He claims he thought he could never do such a thing. But he did. The affair was very sexual, very intense. When I came back he didn't end it. It came so far, that he said he loved her, because she was telling him that all the time and he felt he had to say it, as he claims now. It is true, that she was lonely and as she later explained desperately needed someone and went crazy for him. 2 months went by and he even pretended he was not with me anymore when she asked him about that. He rarely came to visit me. When I finally found out, I didn't want to see him anymore. Yet he said he'll end it. But he lied. For a month he was able to see me at the bottom whenever he came to cry with me, seeing me in tears, barely alive, shouting and crying, and was still able to tell me lies. He still slept with her and text her. It took him another month to end it with her. She is no beauty, no genius, she's an average lonely girl. Not mean, but surely not having high ethics. So I asked why??? How could he? He told me she made him feel wanted and special, as I no longer had. And that now he knows he should've tried harder with me. I know it sounds sick, but then all the three of us had a really long talk. He admitted he didn't love her, but that he needed her badly. And couldn't break up with her because he felt guilty because he used her. Now he begs me to forgive him. He admitted it all, explained it all, we went through endless talks. I despise him. I'm disgusted at him at times. How could he? It would be never as special and magical as before again! But 8 months later, he is still around, trying hard. He says he knows now things he haven't known before. He found out why he always tries to please everybody, why he lies when in trouble, why is he so afraid of being alone, why he can't say no. He says now that he is tougher and wiser and would never do that again. And that he loves me, that he can't be without me. That he now truly knows how important I am for him. Once I also slipped and we made love. He just wouldn't stop caressing me, he seemed so happy ... Then I collapsed and cried. I screamed. i hate him for having done that! If I give him another chance, I'll have to be reminded of what he did all the time. He, on the contrary would not be "punished" for his mistake, as if he never did it ... and the two of us, we would never be the same, the innocence is gone. All my friends say to forget him, I despise him, but still ... He was "the one" for me. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): well he lied and said he broke it off with the other woman, he lied repeatedly. he was caught. professed to love the other woman, then couldn't make up his mind. THEN all of a sudden the original poster is the best thing to have ever happened to him. i don't know. now he is begging. if he was wanting attention and went looking for it elsewhere, lied repeated about it, now what has changed. where is he getting the attention from, the one he was previously so desperately seeking. we know it is not from the OP. are we also thinking that he has had no sex at all for 8 months ( bar the one time with the OP). I think we need to be real here. he is not going to just go off sex because he is not getting it from the OP. he is getting it from somewhere. strange things happen when people messing around get caught out. they just cannot let go of their spouse/partner. they expect their partners to suffer it out with them. this is selfish behaviour. i think the bf doesn't want the poster to move on, doesn't want her to get on with her live. he wants to pull her down with him. 8 months of him waiting around is nothing- know some cheaters who wait around for years, claiming this undying love and devotion. sad thing is they almost believe it as well. cheaters, i believe, are all the same. they cry crocodile tears when caught out, then suddenly it becomes all about them, they shift the blame, they condone their acts. and they think the worls then owes themsomething for coming clean. one thing is almost a guarantee - they almost never learn the first time. so give it a try if you can. work on the trust issues. rebuid if you can. but i think you need to try healing first. maybe a proper trial seperation is the start. see whether this will help. maybe it will give you both a new lease- maybe not. give yourself perhaps 6 months proper seperation, with no contact but during the 6 months if he has to have other relationshps what do you do then. i hope you really do find peace and happiness in the end.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): I read the answer the anonymous female wrote and I almost agreed ... but there was a part she was mistaken:
"he is not remorseful, he has not tried to make up. he just thinks that you can sweep in under the carpet and move on"
You are saying that 8 months have passed and yet he is still trying to get back? Talking to you, willing to change? I don't know, I've met quite a few people who were so insecure about themselves that they ruined their lives and the lives of those who loved them. Is it maybe that he had an unhappy childhood and is so afraid to be alone again? Did he tell you how he felt when you didn't take care of the relationship? How was it, when you told him you don't want to move in with him? Don't you think that after 6 yrs this hurts a bit? Was it her or him that made the move? And did you ask yourself why does he still want to be with you? I'm sure it would be easier for him to find a new gf, and forget all about u, since the thing u 2 had hurts too much now. I'm saying this just coz my friend had a similar situation. But her bf tried a few times, then he gave up. He certainly didn't wait for another year to pass.
Don't take me wrong. I despise people who cheat. But u r not asking bout this. U r asking if u should forgive. And that depends on you. Coz no matter how long be your post here, we don't know, we can't know the situation ... Was he a good bf before, or did ur neglecting changed him? Did he think u wanted to leave him, since after 6 yrs u still didn't want to move in? This things hurt. And if he was hurt before he might have acted out of fear to be hurt again. Arendt once said human actions are unpredictable and irreversible. Yet there are special powers to defy this that only humans have - promise, repentance and forgiveness. If he is truly sorry and if you can forgive him, do that. But if u can't trust his promises anymore, don't take him back. I know trust is the most fragile thing in the universe. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): i think you are mistaken. he is not the one for you. in fact he may not have been from the start. you see even after you came back from holiday he lied and covered up the lies. he continued having sex with this woman. do not only blame her, he is equally to blame. in fact he had no repsect for you. he saw your pain, he saw your tears, he saw how emotionally raw you were yet he continued sleeping with her, pretended that he was not with you. he went so far to say that he loved her. so she now shofts the blame to you and wants you to forgive him. to pretend that he did not do all this despicable things to you. if you want him in your life there is no hiding from what he did to you. you will always doubt him. i think your instincts about him was true in the first instant. you cannot get the trust back. it is not his affiar but his lies that broke you. his continued lies. so if you want hurt, betrayal, deceit go back to him. but if you want to open your heart and life to other possibilitites then move on. slowly. well, it is his loss. you can love again. and you will. going back to this liar will solve nothing. his lies have damaged you so muxh, there is no forgetting what he put you through. he doesn't want to be punished for his affair, well then don't punish him. just remove him from your life. simple. he is not remorseful, he has not tried to make up. he just thinks that you can sweep in under the carpet and move on, but life is such that you caannot. you will be doing yourself a disservice by hanging on to him. tell him that there is no going back. its over. him professing this great love for you is just lies, just as he lied over the months while he was with this other woman. you don't need this drama in your life. you are hurting yes, but in time you will find a decent caring man who will be faithful. someone who doesn't lie and someone who doesn't cheat. you serve love and happiness. this man, who betrayed you, would not provide you this love and this happiness. i think you know this so please tell him to stop wasting your time and life. there is no return to you being together. he betrayed you. his lies and his deciet compunded the betrayal. he is not wiser, not tougher, just a weak someone who needs to have someone around them. do not be fooled by his words. think about what he put you through. that should be enough to halt any thoughts of getting back together. you may stilll love him, he may be the one for you in your heart. sad that you were not the one for him, isn't it. no amount of words can erase the pain he put you thorugh. no amount of pleading can erase the void in your heart. no amount of words can make you forget his lies. so what are you going to do. continue to let him drag you down and your life be in limbo or are you going to be strong wnough and say, thank you but no thanks. remember you were not enough for him, he needed this other women, so he will need another as well. please listen to the people aaround you. they know what he has done to you, how he betrayed you. you are young, your life doesn't have to be miserable but it will be if yo have him in your life. let him cry his crocodile tears somewhere else. as for you the sun is shining, go out and greet the world. this new day, with the liar . without the drama, has dawned and say hello to the new life ahead of you. good luck and please stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): Should you forgive him is relative only to you. Strangers will have their perspectives, but ultimately, regardless whether the person is a 'bad' person or not or a hybrid of those, only you have the authority to choose the one that matches what you desire and possibly need the most.
In this case, if you feel he is "the one", then he is the one for you - regardless.
Just remember: you choose your own battles. If you do not want to risk further emotional turmoil, then proceed cautiously or don't proceed at all. If your fear of further emotional turmoil is less than your intimate feelings with him, then take him back.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 I'm sorry, but "the one" isn't a scumbag as this man seems to be. If you cheat, then you're a cheater. Cheaters=Scum. No exceptions. I promise.
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