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female
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*ara
writes: I am a female divorced(4yrs ago)with 2 beautiful girls. My husband was violent and cheated so I left. Met a nice man 7yrs older than me, who is 38yrs old. (Never thought I would get involved again!) We dated for 3yrs before he moved in. Children loved him as he was fun and pleasant to them, and a male role model. He really picked me up and showed me what life was all about again. After a while I fell pregnant but left the final decision to him, he was happy at first but changed his attitude the next day... so I terminated due to the uncertintity of our relationship. We have recently argued every month, as I want some kind of committment from him. He travels frequently overseas for work, attends TAFE in the evenings and plays golf every Saturday, which leaves only the Sundays for our time together. We only have sex once a week (if!), he falls asleep on me regularly. He d/loads porn and always brags about his female work friends (and how he compliments them on their perfume, talks about how young and fit they look), I feel he does this to get me jealous. I love him very much (and have been very hurt in the past)but am I really asking for too much. Every time we argue he threatens to move out(he takes his clothes, surf board, golf clubs and motor bike and disappears for weeks (this is his 3rd time), he leaves his furniture behind. He stays at his male friends place. He always blames me for causing the arguments (although these mainly start when he lashes out at me verbally, abusing me)telling me that Im crazy bitch, delusional and damaged goods, this hurts me deeply as I have opened up to him about the bad relationship I had with my ex-husband. Im tired of his selfish trips away, but I am afraid of being lonely and growing old alone. His previous relationships have never lasted longer than a year, ours has been the longest. He tells me that he loves me, but makes no future plans for us. Should I let him come back again OR grow the courage to finally move on and accept he will never commit to me?
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divorce, jealous, move on, moved in, my ex, porn, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): Being lonely and single might just be a happier life. Do remember that single doesn't necessarily equate to lonely. You might meet someone else, and someone worthy.
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (5 September 2006):
 Ditto, Dr. Pete.
This relationship is the proverbial dead horse. Stop beating it and move on.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): Wow...this man is an emotionally abusive a-hole!!
It is odd how he would suddenly change his behavoir.
Was he always off doing whatever he wanted or did this just happen?
Suggest that he get some anger management as well as see if you have a local agency that deals with abusive relationships; they are out there.
Get enrolled in some classes and please set up some family counselling for yourself and your daughters. Your daughters have witnessed that it is okay to let a man treat them like garbage and emotionally torment them-most unfortunate.
If this man is unwilling to change and get some counselling; kick his sorry arse to the curb. Really, he has so many "failed" relationship that he could be considered "damaged goods" as well. Not to mention not to many women want to be with a man who can constantly manipulate them and instill fear in them.
Sweetie he knows you are afraid to be alone and with his constant belittling remarks about how no one could love you and you are damaged goods; he says those things to you because he wants you to believe it so he can continue to abuse you-he gets thrills from hurting you and scaring you and this is a most sickening thing to realize.
Babe; get strong, heal and take care of your family FIRST.
There are plenty of good men out there who will see you for you and see all your worth and value.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): Maybe this relationship has run it's course?
It seems to have started out well but the way you two argue and the way he is behaving is not good for either of you.
As a guy I can't see how your boyfriend cares or respects you if he can brag about other females to make you jealous, that is the last thing a guy who cares about his partner would ever do.
Your communication has broken down, so has your sex life. Him using porn rather than commiting to you emotionally and physically is another indication that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you.
He is emotionally controlling you by threatening to move out like he does. With a threat needs to be a consequence, you can't just keep accepting him back. If he threatens to leave, and he leaves, that means the relationship is over. To stay in a relationship and always fall back to the possibility of splitting up whenever you have an argument will not give you any stability, it will eventually destroy your confidence. When you have built up trust, and years together, the "we're going to break up" conversation should NEVER come up unless it is actually going to happen. It's not good nor healthy to live in fear of knowing a relationship is always on the verge of breaking. You need stablitity knowing your relationship is stronger than that.
If your guy was much younger, I would suggest he isn't old enough to commit to his responsibilities, but at his age he clearly is. You've been together a long time, and been through a lot together.
With what he knows about your past, and to call you "damaged goods" really is unacceptable and I think again, shows that he does not want the same thing as you do.
Being told "I love you" is nothing to judge how someone cares for you, any one can say those words. A person is the way they treat you from the moment you have known them, it is not how they were in the last conversation they had with you.
As much as I don't want to put thoughts in to your head - how sure are you that he is even faithful to you? He shows all the signs that he is not commited to you, so I don't see why he would be faithful.
You say you are afraid of being lonely and growing old alone, yet I guess you probably feel quite alone right now?
If your boyfriend is willing to go through some kind of couple counseling then by all means give it a go. But I don't think your boyfriend will want to do this, because I don't think your boyfriend wants to be with you. The sooner you break free from this the sooner you'll be back on your feet and far more confident, happier and secure than you are right now.
Don't hold on to how he used to be with you, judge him and the relationship on how it has been since.
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