A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. He hasn't been with his ex for 2.5 years now. I have always felt that he still has feelings for her. Numerous things have happened to make me feel uneasy but the latest one really has me distrusting him.So BF likes porn, and I know he watches it while I am not at home. Last week, I came home to find he had been reading 4 old, sexually explicit chats he had with the ex and kept in his e-mail. He told me he was searching for something we wrote to each other as he was feeling horny, but that he didn't find anything, just the ones from her. He told me he only read (or skimmed) 2, but there were 4 opened when I looked at the browser history.I guess the lies hurt, but also the fact that no matter what, when he was reading the chats, he would have been picturing her and her doing these things to him and all the things he did to her. A slap in the face was also when I said he was probably getting himself off while sitting there reading them and thinking about how good she was. He said she was good but I was 'better'. Wow. Prior to that he had said that his other girlfriend's hadn't been into sex and I was amazing. I know these things are said to put your mind at ease but now I feel ineadequate. I love sex and am happy for me to distract me when he needs something. He can be distant, and I am wondering if it is because of her.When I said I was going to leave for a while he broke down in tears and said I have made him the happiest he has ever been and I couldn't leave him. I love him so much but don't know if I can trust his heart. What to do?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Yes of course it's a bit upsetting to find him looking at sex mail from an ex. That would hurt anyone. Also not sure about him lying about deleting them. Lies are never good. He should have just refused to delete them, no matter how insecure they made you. They are his memories and he wants to keep them. It's never a good thing to destroy all your memories to just keep someone happy. If you two break up, it wouldn't be nice for him to delete you because another girl told him to.Not sure he's masturbating or getting off to them emails. Most men don't do that, that's why they like porn. They like to see something visual, writings aren't exciting enough to give them an orgasm, if they were then more men would read romance and erotica.Your right, he probably still has some feelings for his ex, but it's not clear if it's romantic, if it's hate of if it's just reviewing the past and his mistakes. Anyway, it doesn't sound like she's in his life or he will ever have a relationship with her again. It's been 18months with you (not very long) and you are the woman in his life.You don't want to commit, your holding back... um, hate to say this, but he's with a woman who isn't showing him commitment and doesn't give her heart (you), why are you surprised that he starts thinking about another relationship where there was love and probably nobody held back anything.You've got barriers up, but you want him to commit to you. Why should he, how can he be sure that you won't run off any day now. Your already on Dear Cupid thinking about ending the relationship. Maybe that's why he's as nervous about destroying his past when he's not sure how long you two will last.Think carefully, what signals are you sending him. Your not trying to capture his heart, your not trying to fight to keep him. Maybe he knows this and that's why you catch him thinking about how great relationship can be. You need to work out whether you actually want to be in a relationship with him and when you have worked that out, then go and talk to him about his feelings for his ex-girlfriend and where he see's your relationship going in the future.PS: I have no idea why you and him are talking about the sex acts he did with other people. Sounds rude to me, and it's only fueling your anxiety. We you feel comfortable if he told people about what you and him do in bed. Such conversations are never recommended.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): Thanks for your thoughts but I am still uneasy. When he broke down on me, he "deleted" the chats straight away. When I saw his e-mail later they appeared to be gone. Today I noticed they are back, so he must have just moved them temporarily. This tells me he wants them for future reference. Should I confront him again? We are about to move in together and I am not sure I should commit myself to this guy. In response to one of your comments, we dress up and have an amazing sex life most of the time, so I know he does get off on that, but this is crossing the line for me. Has anyone else had a similar problem?
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