A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months and I can honestly say without hesitation, I've NEVER loved anyone the way I love him. However, he has a past and it's affecting me and our relationship. Before I go any further, let me give you some background information.I'm 30 years old and divorced with two young children. He is 28 years old, never married, and has one young son. My ex and I were married seven years and it ultimately ended because we got married for the wrong reasons. I became pregnant while we were dating and ended up getting married after feeling pressured by his religious family. I was not in love with him but felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. Needless to say, it didn't work. His situation is almost identical only he didn't marry his sons mother. They continued to date after their son was born and after three years, the relationship ended. There were also issues of infidelity on his part and her part. I should also note that she is much younger than I, as she is 22. Their relationship is strained at this point. She knows about me but refuses to allow her son to be around me because she thinks that he is going to move on to another female and doesn't want her son exposed to too many people. Truthfully, I feel like she is jealous and is just being immature but that's a whole different issue. My boyfriend is attractive (duh!) and therefore has had many partners and has openly admitted that he's never been faithful to anyone. However, I will admit that I know for a fact that he loves me. He tells me all the time that he wants to marry me, wants to start our life together and always refers to our future. He has told me that he's never felt this strongly about anyone and that he now knows what true and unconditional love is supposed to be like now. He spends every free moment with me and I've never questioned his whereabouts or anything of that nature. My issue is I can't get out of my head that he was once a cheater. What makes me any different? The thought of the man I love and adore being with other people makes me sick! How can I let go of his past and look toward our future?
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divorce, immature, infidelity, jealous, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to pop by and give the aunties an update....
Yes, we are still together and things are great! He actually just moved to be closer to me (we were previously about 40 miles a part) and gave me a key.
I'll keep you posted...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I'm glad my advice helped a bit- I would still say though that you only know what he has told you about his x and their relationship which is what he wants you to know. How do you know for sure they were only casually dating and if so how did she become pregnant, they used no protection in a casual relationship? He is not going to say much that is bad about himself other than that he cheated because he knows you may find this out or maybe he just really wants to be honest and yes he could have lied about that but he could still be withholding other information.
How do you know she actually said those things? Were you there when she said them? Otherwise you don't really know for sure. If she is bitter, try to understand that, she gave him a child and now she has to go it alone and see you receiving affection she may not have as well as be pressured to let you be a part of her child's life.
You really need to think about all of this- if you do end up with him you're going to have to get along with his x in order to make a good life, you don't want animosity in your lives for the longterm. When people become bitter there is usually a reason for that such as someone really maltreated and hurt them in some way.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 Life is a risk, and this guy is definitely a gamble.. you know what your doing and are willing to take the consequences or the great rewards. I wish you tons of luck and happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all the Aunties for your responses and input. Special thanks to Aunty BimBim, both anon's and Miamine for your different perspectives. I appreciate both the good and bad inputs since it's always nice to see both sides!I guess maybe I should clarify things a little further about my BF and his ex. They were "casually" dating when she became pregnant. He stepped up, moved closer to be with her and his son and tried to make things work. Apparently neither of them were ready for a committed relationship because they both cheated during the first part of their relationship. Then they had a serious sit down and basically said "If we're going to really try to make things work for our child, it's time we put the silliness to rest and be committed." I think they maintained that for a little while then he found out she was cheating again. He tried to forgive her but then she became skeptical that he would "try to get her back" so she started questioning every move he made even though he had remained faithful as he said he would. Their relationship ended shortly after.And Aunty Bimbim, you nailed it on the head! I know from the outside it may SEEM like the ex is trying to be protective of her child but I know the situation far better and I can assure you that's NOT the case. She is indeed being spiteful. She has already introduced their son to at least five different men, none of which she has maintained a relationship with. She has told their son (mind you, he's only 3) that "Daddy doesn't love me anymore! He loves insert my name now!" She has said to him "Wow, she must be loving life. You never took me to such and such a place. You never introduced me to your friends until after a year." So there's more to this situation. She is bitter. While I'm not naive by any means (otherwise I wouldn't be here) I do believe that everyone deserves a chance. He was completely honest about his past and didn't hold back on the details. He could have very easily lied to my face because we aren't a part of the same social circles so outside of his ex I wouldn't have known a thing. He has done NOTHING thus far to make me feel insecure EXCEPT for his past which he nor I can control now. He goes out of his way to make sure that I feel loved, cared for and secure. I've met many of his friends and each time we see them the guys jokingly look at his left ring finger and make comments about how they're expecting it any day. Two of them have openly pulled me aside and told me "You're it. We have NEVER seen him behave this way! He absolutely adores you." So, given all of that, and the way I feel about him, I can't stand the idea of just walking away because I MIGHT get hurt. I think we all stand the risk of getting hurt in a relationship and while my chances might be higher, it's a risk I'm willing to take.I promise to keep you all updated and let you know how things go! Oh and I'm very well protected - no STI's or babies here!
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 I say give him a chance .... in my experience man don't start to get their sh*t together utill they are closer to 30.
He's made some mistakes, spread his wild oats and cheated on a girl, who it seems, also cheated on him.
He's also made a baby, who, to his advantage, he hasn't abandoned in the wake of his failed relationship with it's mother.
The baby's mother needs time, there could be some sour grapes in her attitude, especially if she can see a difference in the way he feels for you and the way he felt for her. Giving the baby's mother time to adjust to the situation will also give YOU time to take it slowly, get to know each other, build trust between you all, it will give your children time to adjust, as well as you ex husband and his family.
It's only been siz months, don't rush this, tell him you will not even discuss marriage until you have been together for a miniumum of 12 months, and then review the situation.
Good luck, I do hope he turns out to be a keeper!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): His past behavior doesn't bode well for your future with him and I'm sure you know that or you wouldn't be here asking about this. Can we know for sure he will cheat on you, break your heart and so on? No one can know for sure, but we can guess there is a good possibility he may at some point. So you have to decide whether you want to go through all of that.I would really hate for you to get hurt so I would advise no to this relationship going further than it has. You also have your children to consider, they will be hurt too by this whole situation if it goes bad. Only you can know the full situation, so it's really up to you to decide what to do in the end. You might want to speak with his x gf who he has a child with and see why their relationship ended and who cheated on whom first. I would guess that she is really trying to protect her child in this case as at this point she knows him a lot better than you do.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (25 February 2012):
I'll agree with anon below me. It's the beginning of the relationship, only 6months. Make sure you don't get pregnant or give your heart away too quickly. Other than that, your still getting to know each other, see what happens. But be prepared for him to cheat on you as well.Who knows, are you willing to walk away right now, because of what he done in his past or because of what the aunts are warning you about. Or are you willing to give him a chance?The very fact your here asking such things means you have a whole pile of doubts. But as I said, it's still early days, are you willing to give him time to prove he will be true to you, or will a hundred years never allow you to trust him.Take time to make the right decision for you, there's no hurry right now, the guy is being good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): It is totally possible that he's changed. He cheated on women he didn't love. I really wouldn't worry. You two are in love. Don't go looking for potential future problems! And certainly don't throw this amazing relationship away for something that might never happen! X
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 February 2012):
I'm all for giving people chances, but if he cheated on the only two girls he had a committed relationship with (which basically means everyone else was just a casual fling), it would make me worried as well.
It just doesn't look good, OP. I understand how hard this may be for you. People in general (myself included) tend to not be realistic when they're in love, the whole that-happens-to-other-people-not-me deal.
I try to learn from exes. Because they are the girls the bf once moved earth and hell for and something changed that, in this case cheating. This girl doesn't trust your bf and heck, she basically told you she thinks what happened to her is going to happen to you. That doesn't sound like someone who wants her ex back, that sounds like someone who knows his ways.
I'm sorry, but I bet both exes felt they were "the one" for him, while in reality there never is going to be one girl for him, period.
Yes, there are players who are loyal, but they tend to be consistent in that when they're in a committed relationship, they actually commit themselves to the girl. Your guy hasn't so far.
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reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (24 February 2012):
 When making the right choice for yourself, it's always going to be hard and take some time out for thinking. But only you can make the right choice for yourself,we can only give you our views and guidance. How you take that is again your choice. I apreciate you love him, but thats what he wants, his very good at manipulating a situation. Maybe he has changed, but be completely honest with yourself, are you WILLING to take that chance?? if so then I wish you both well, and a long and happy relationship.
Mandy x
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reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Well his track record doesn't look good, since it basically tells he cannot have a committed relationship. The two he's had he's cheated.Keep in mind that those two girls probably thought that they knew for a fact that he loved them as well. And he could have, and probably did. He cheats because he's simply a cheater.He could very well be in love with you, and think you are the total package, and think you're great. But that's not going to stop him from cheating. I know you know that he'a cheater, and theres nothing that makes you any different. That's why you're hear isn't it? You want someone to reassure you, tell you you're different, that it's in the past. And you love him, so you're going to keep fighting this point.Deep down, I think you know though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, those were not the response I expected but I fully understand everyones point of view.
I could go on and on defending him but that's simply because I love him and none of you want to hear my defense case, I'm sure.
I guess I have some difficult decisions to make. I'm just having a hard time letting go of him. I truly love him. I never knew this kind of love existed until him. He treats me so well and has never given me any reason personally in our relationship to not trust him other than his track record which was before me.
I'm so torn /3
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus.
IT just may be that you are the most special one so far and MAYBE he won't cheat but that's not his track record is it?
as for the mother being Jealous... NOPE ... clearly even at the young age of 22 she has him pegged and is protecting her child from exposure to the many women that will roll in and out of his father's life.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 February 2012):
 He has issues. He was either having open relationships or he couldn't commit, or had really had bad attitudes about long term relationships but at the same time couldn't handle loneliness. You could be a very high value woman but change has to happen within himself. I would not marry him, I would date him but I think with two kids, marriage is what you want. I know dating can be fun but with the knowledge that he is not marriage material how could you still enjoy him? Self improvement is possible but why not find someone who does not need any changing. When there is a slight doubt in your mind that he would hurt you later, you can't open yourself to love totally. You are still young to look around, and for that reason alone I will tell you to find someone more secure.
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reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (24 February 2012):
I agree, once then maybe forgiven, more than that he will always be a cheater, they love the frill of the chase. The harder you play hard to get , the more he will want and fight for you, but when the novelty wears off, he will walk off!
Mandy x
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reader, person12345 +, writes (24 February 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus 100%. I don't agree with once a cheater always a cheater. But I do agree with more than once a cheater, always a cheater. You may very well be special, but he will still cheat on you. He is going to cheat on you, that's a fact. As soon as the honeymoon phase wears off (if not sooner) he won't be able to resist. Sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus - First, thank you for your response! As harsh as it sounded, I understand where you're coming from. I guess I should clarify a few things and ask a few as well.
1) When I see he's cheated on every girlfriend - I should clarify that he's only had two committed relationships...one when he was in his teens and one as an adult. They others were random "hook ups" - not that it's an excuse.
2) So are you telling me that men NEVER change? That you don't meet that one female and say "Wow, this is what I've always wanted! I've got the total package!"
Wow, I'm just crushed by your answer :(((
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): "What makes me any different?"
Nothing at all. He has never been faithful to anyone in his life, he won't be faithful to you and that is guaranteed.
"He has told me that he's never felt this strongly about anyone and that he now knows what true and unconditional love is supposed to be like now."
The same thing I've felt and thought about every girl I was ever in love with and if you don't mind me saying the first thing a cheater would say to gain a girls trust. I bet he's said that to every girl before you just like most of us have.
"How can I let go of his past and look toward our future?"
You can't, he's cheated on every girl he's been with. That's not just a one times mistake, that wasn't a bad time in his life that's a long term behaviour that is part of who he is. One girl will never be enough for a guy like him. If you really felt any differently then you wouldn't be so worried about this.
You're even blaming the mother of his child for being jealous, she's not. She knows him far better than you and she's just trying to protect her child from its fathers cheating ways. That's not jealousy, that's not spite that's trying to raise your child well and not let it think that's a good behaviour.
OP nothing you have said at all here has given any good reason why you should be with or trust this guy. Love, you love him, that's the only thing keeping you there. if you didn't love this guy would you even bother with him given his history? Would you believe for one second that you are somehow the only girl in his entire dating history spanning decades who he's not going to cheat on?
You're in for a nasty shock so OP.
Too in love to move on and yet not stupid enough for one second to believe a guy like him is going to remain faithful.
My advice, wear protection and use contraception. You neither want a kid nor and STI from this guy or he'll be a part of you forever even after he does finally cheat on you.
Again, my current girlfriend has shown me the true meaning of love I love her more than any girl before her. but the same was true of my ex, and my ex before that and should I break up with this one I'm sure I'll feel that way again.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Would you mind if I challenged one of your details? That "detail" is this one (your words): "...I know for a fact that he loves me."
What you actually do know "for a fact" is that he will keep coming back for s*x as long as you allow it.... HE has made it perfectly clear to you that he is a rogue... with committment only to the pleasures of his penis....
YOU are swimming upstream against a strong current. Do NOT be surprised if you are swept downstream sometime (soon?) as have been all those other girls who were naive enough to believe "I know for a fact that he loves me. "
Good luck...
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