A
female
age
30-35,
*oldfeather
writes:Four months ago, my relationship of over a year came to an end. At the time, we both felt that it was the right thing to do as our arguments were becoming more frequent and the general chemistry was lacking. I had been contemplating breaking up for quite a bit. I was growing tired of his overly protective ways and things just didn't feel the same. Aside from that, our relationship was once beautiful. We were so in love, I truly believed it would never end..But, I was very wrong. I can easily say that the next few weeks were harder than anything I had ever been through. I never realized how much I really needed him until he was gone. I soon tried to get back together, but he did not want to. This was a huge shock as he was always the one who was so faithful in us, and at times I felt that he wanted us together more than I did. The weeks went on and I remained greif stricken and sad over the breakup. I noticed him moving on at a faster rate then myself and changing. This made it harder, it made me feel like his love for me wasn't as true as it once seemed to be. Two months after we broke up I was still very upset, but better. Unfortunately I moved several steps back since during a phone call he told me how much he missed me, and then became rather abusive saying how I lied to him several times and such. I was used to this since he's done this before. These phone calls occured every night. Most were casual and short. I realized that doing this was making it harder to move on, so I cut off communication. After doing this I began to notice a change in him. It was like he was purposefully transforming himself into somebody new. He then created a new friend group: himself and 3 other girls. He became the "sweet, funny, sensitive/emotional, cute friend". It made me sick as that is an exageration of his true self. Or maybe it is his new true self..(which I doubt). One of these girls was an interest of his which obviously bothered me, but nothing has happened between the two. So it's been four months. I am not over him. I constantly miss him and reflect on everything we had... as much as I try not too. Regardless of what I do I still have the emptyness in my heart. He is this "new person" with these new all female friend(oh and he no longer hangs out with his lifelong guy friends, which I find odd). It sickens me to see this. Especially when he blows me off and pretends to have no interest in me when around these new friends. He was the one who told me that our friendship would never end part of his reasoning for ending out relationship was to preserve this friendship. I don't know how much longer this sadness I have can go on. He was my first love and has such a huge spot in my heart. Part of me is still hoping and waiting for him to come back. I need help knowing how to remove this pit of sorrow from my heart. I am also extremely confused as to this transformation he has made. Could there be any reasoning to it? This struggle to get over him and trying to figure out his actions has gone on for far to long. Any advice would be whole heartdly appreciated. Sincerely, Heart broken and confused.
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female
reader, goldfeather +, writes (25 March 2013):
goldfeather is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear llifton,
Reading what you had to say mad me feel much better. I guess coming to terms with the past and looking ahead to the future is the best option. Thank you!
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 March 2013):
 hey there.
sometimes, when people go through a hurtful breakup or life change, they do transform themselves into different people. it's kind of the way some people learn to get over someone they really cared about and adapt to drastic and overwhelming change in their lives.
for me, for example, when my ex of two years and i broke up (this was years ago), i went through a stage where i did a lot of things i am not proud of. i won't get into details, but in general, i became someone i wasn't. it was all just a coping mechanism for me. it's quite possible that this is what he is doing. he may eventually calm down and go back to his normal self in a handful of months or maybe even a couple of years. it just depends.
as for you, i know it feels right now like you'll never move on. just realize that's normal. there's no magic secret to overcoming the pain and sadness you feel. it's just gonna take time. the best solution for me has always been distracting myself. hanging out with friends, finding a hobby, etc. anything to keep my mind busy so it wouldn't wander. the more i sat there and dwelled, the more miserable i was.
another thing that helped me was to just block them from my life completely. remove them from facebook so i wasn't tempted to look at their page and see what they were up to or what they were doing. remove old pictures from my phone and from my room. every little reminder of them was gone. i knew myself well enough to know that it hurt too much to see those things.
anyway, as i said, there's no magic recipe to make it go away. just know that eventually the pain and hurt you feel will disappear. it'll happen slowly. and before you know it, one day you'll wake up and poof! you'll realize that you're over him. and you'll never have seen it coming.
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A
female
reader, goldfeather +, writes (24 March 2013):
goldfeather is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear janniepeg,
First off, thank you for your insight! That gives me a new perspective to the situation and I agree with the points you have made. I really appreciate it!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 When people want to start a new chapter in life they do things that are out of ordinary. Like a new hair cut, going to the gym and starting a new hobby. The changes may not last long but they will launch a new path and help refresh the mind. I suggest you do the same but you have to stop checking up on him and analyzing him. He is doing what he has to do to heal, even if it means ignoring you.
He was not the one for you so going backwards would not help anything. It won't be fair for both of you to stay in contact just to avoid the sense of loneliness. You gained insight in relationships so you come out of this stronger and more mature. This pit of sorrow is like a growing pain. The point is not to remove the pain, but to allow yourself to feel. The purpose of this is to come out at the other end realizing you can handle aloneness. It's very normal to regret a break up but with the right person you won't be contemplating break ups a lot.
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