A
female
age
30-35,
*ooki_ll
writes:2 months ago my boyfriend and I broke up. I am struggling so badly, and Ive almost gone to see a psychologist. He was my first boyfriend; he was 26 I was 24. We were together for 11 months. He persued me in the beginning and even though he was the older brother of one of my friends from school I agreed to date him. During this time we struggled. We are both pretty conservative when it comes to sex. That being said if I found the man I love who I could see myself marrying I would like to explore that side of things with him. I have never done more than kissing and touching with a man. He on the other hand has had oral with his ex. While he was with me, he seemed so against everything. He hesitated to touch me, came in my parents bed on the only occasion he slept over (then didn’t tell me till the next day) I slept elsewhere, he also came in my bed the night we broke up. We were not even kissing, he grinded on me for like 2 seconds because I said that the way he acted makes me feel so unattractive and hurt....and went; I was left alone and heart broken to clean up his mess. At the time I didn’t care because I loved him and never wanted him to feel bad.Everything came to an end after he went to Lebabon with half his family for a month. While he was gone he asked to me look out for his mum, which I did. We went to a Lebanese restaurant with her (which she seemed to love) and then I took her to high tea because that was more akin to my background. She refused to drink the tea, and her and her daughter played with the food. It cost us a lot of money to take them there and they were being really difficult the whole time.When the bf got home, we had some fights, that started to snow ball. When I expressed how his mother was making me feel, he cracked it and said that I needed to accept her or else we wouldn’t work. I agreed.It got me thinking though, I was happy to compromise my feelings for him. While he was away he sent me lots of dirty text messages. We had fun texting back and forth, when I brought it up he said it was all fantasy anyway and he had no itentions of doing anything until marriage. He even said going on a holiday with me was pushing it because that was not done in his culture.I said I couldn’t marry him if he didn’t compromise, and at least think about exploring those options, travel and sex or some form of it before marriage. He said no. I begged and pleaded and he cried and told me he was scared. He shook and sobbed over it – it was like the idea of oral on me was the most awful thing. He refused to budge. It hurt so bad I said I don’t think we can be together if he cant work with me the way I work with him. He said this is different, I shouldn’t ask him to do this. And that was the end of it.I later found out his mother had said things to him such as “stop buying her gifts”, “she’s very clever watch out for her”. Although to me she said I was already like a daughter her. Now my reputation has been tarnished as the ex told his family a lot of it. Sex wasn't my main motivation it was that I needed him to meet me halfway. It was the idea of compromise. I would’ve waited – Ive already waited this long.Now the friend is ignoring me and all my friends from the social circle have ostracised me. I feel so upset. I feel betrayed by the ex. He said forever and to trust him, he wanted promise rings only days before the breakup – he said loved me unconditionally and he knew thats what I wanted more than anything. He never tried once to get us back together. He said 'see how you feel after a week' but that his mind wouldn't change. And now Im the one who is being treated like a piece of trash. I literally only have my mother now. It hurts every day. Not because I miss him, but how I have been isolated and tricked, and hurt. My family stayed out of it all. His started to call me names… like player.Is this situation normal!? Did I act properly or at least humanly? To be treated so awfully now I feel like there must be something very wrong with me. This pain must stop soon right???
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broke up, his ex, I work with, kissing, money, player, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Pooki_ll +, writes (3 April 2015):
Pooki_ll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, original poster here.
Just wanted to thank those people who replied to me. I know the question was long winded. I was (and still) so hurt by what happened. I felt so betrayed and alone. I know I'm not perfect but this whole situation snowballed into something so much worse that I could have ever imagined.
Your kind words helped to give me some peace. They were soothing when I had no friends to say anything nice. It wasn't fair.
Thank you. All the best with everything. When you answer peoples questions, you help them more than you know xx
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 March 2015):
 Are you both from the same background? Religiously and culturally?
Because I DO understand that you WANTED to share sex with him within the relationship, but if it WENT against his religious beliefs and cultural upbringing I think it's a little unfair to try and force him by using the term "compromise". If premarital sex is something HE wasn't willing to do, then you need to accept that OR end it (and find someone who doesn't share those beliefs).
It was a 11 months relationship - didn't even make it a whole year. You two were NOT a good fit. Different background CAN work, for some, but not all. In your case, not long term.
You need to keep your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what kind of crap your ex is now saying about you. YOU know the truth.
Stick to your REAL friends. People who KNOW you and love you for who you are.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 March 2015):
 Take a nice clean hand-towel, rub it across your forehead, and say to yourself: "Whew, I almost fell for this cad....'
Then... forget about him,... and get on with your life...
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 March 2015):
 I agree with Abella. The mother in law wants a dumb compliant daughter in law who kow tows to her and serves her needs. He was crying uncontrollably because his mom probably messed up his previous relationship even though he really wanted to have sex. Sex is a part of love and when you suppress it, you feel like friends. I honestly believe that people can wait until marriage if they love each other, but it doesn't look like he loves you. Boys cannot love if they are not solid individuals and always need approval from parents. He says he unconditionally love you then turn on his back and told the family you are a player. I think to express a need for sex is honest. It takes courage. It happens a lot when "boys" and "girls" get married to each other, followed rules and not question, then find themselves not in love. They don't even know who they got married to. That increases the temptation to cheat and to find another soulmate. Always seek your truth and not blindly follow tradition, especially when tradition becomes a form of control.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 March 2015):
 there is nothing "wrong" with you.
But this young man is still too much of a Mommy's boy to be husband material for any girl.
I am very sorry that you suffered such a nasty breakup.
And it's left you hurting really bad. Thus if you choose to ask your doctor for a referral to speak to a psychologist then I think that may indeed be very helpful to you in your situation. I see that as a strong wise move to see such a specialist.
He would have been very special to you, since he was your first boyfriend. But even at 26 he was not as mature as you. You need a man ready for marriage not a boy who hides behind his mother.
He was attracted to you.
He pursued you
But some issues arose.
It is OK to be conservative about sex. That is who you are.
He had done some things with his ex.
But towards the end he was really disrespectful.
That was a really really bad sign and bad behaviour on his part. If he knew you had no sexual experience then why act with no tenderness?
Then he acted like a boy and went off, leaving you feeling horrible. He lacks empathy and consideration for your feelings.
You were nice to his mother. But in truth I think he really asked his mother to look out for you and make sure that you remained tied to him by asking you to be nice to his mother. So even if he played up in Lebanon (how would you know) he wanted an eye kept on you to ensure that he could pick up with you, if he wanted to, when he returned.
it is nice that you enjoyed a meal with his mother. She liked that choice as it suited her taste.
But his mother was not at all gracious about the other venue., That was rude and ignorant. His sister was just as ignorant. So it was out of their comfort zone? They could have been more accepting of your culture but instead were not.
And when he returned from Lebanon you were left in no doubt that his mother had possibly twisted things to describe how things went so that it all sounded much worse than it was.
His arrogance is obvious.
His first loyalty is to his mother, not you.
Start as you mean to go one. The family and this guy do not sound as if compromise is part of their vocabulary.
After upsetting you with the grinding episode then the last thing he needed to do was send you dirty texts. However if you enjoyed that together then well and good. There are more respectful things he could have considered doing instead. Did he share lots of photos of his time in Lebanon? Tell you who he met, where he went and what things he did there? Or was he vague about all that?
Did he take the time to buy you a suitable present from Lebanon, even if a very small token of his affection?
I don't think a holiday - just the two of you - would be looked upon very favourably in his culture and might cause you to be seen as lesser by his family if such a holiday happened.
It sounds like your culture and his culture are on a collision course that could end in tears.
He is far too scared of his family judging him.
What you think does not really enter into the equation for him.
He is not yet a mature man, despite his age. His mother manipulates him and he accepts that as what he must comply with.
NEVER marry a Mommy's boy. such men are weak and you will regret it.
A really smart man marries a woman who is more intelligent than himself.
If his mother would prefer that he marry a dumb compliant girl who will always put herself last then tell him to go find such a girl.
His mother is two faced. If you married him you would have to put up with his two faced mother and his ignorant sister.
Your reputation is 100 % fine with a decent man who is not a Mommy's boy.
he really does not understand where you are coming from and he does not want to know either. Compromise means he does not 100% WIN every time. That would mean a very unhappy marriage if there was never any compromise and all decisions had to be run by his mother first.
Find better friends.
You will eventually realise that this breakup was a big blessing for you.
What a fool this man is. Block him on your email. Get an answering machine to screen calls.
Consider this a wonderful opportunity to restructure your life.
You are NOT a player.
Your ignorant ex has no understanding of the word and you most certainly do NOT play around based on your post.
hold your head up high.
He is an immature little rat-weasel.
My family stayed out of it all. His started to call me
His behaviour is more akin to a 14 year old boy who was unable to get things right with a girl he has a crush on.
Your actions were honourable.
You did NOTHING wrong at all.
Do not pine for ignorant people.
Instead start rebuilding your own self esteem and your own life. Away from him and away from his crowd of nasty verbal abusers.
In the process you can learn to value yourself more.
Speak to a Doctor in the city and get a referral to a psychologist outside of your community to help you see things from other perspectives.
Do not be pigeon holed into narrow confines that allow a community to define a person purely on the malicious lies of one immature ignorant Mommy's boy.
work on developing some new hobbies, new skills. Take a course to learn something. Take a short holiday if you can afford it, even if it is just you and your mother for a short break.
Do NOT allow ignorance of others to define you.
You are blameless in all this.
You CAN go on to greater things and do so without him.
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