A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts,I post this because I seek your advice on what I should do. Perhaps this posting is a little unnecessary, because in my mind, I think I already know the answer.I met my boyfriend of one and a half years at work in New Zealand while he was studying on an exchange from the UK. He is gorgeous. He has a beautiful life story and personality and i fell head over heels in love with him. We shared similar interests and got on really well and soon enough our relationship blossomed. Still to this day, I feel very homely with him, like he's a best friend, confidant and lover all rolled into one. I remember asking him whether his origin from a different country would be an issue but he quickly reassured me that it wasnt and he told me he would be happy to live in NZ on a permanent basis.As we got to know each other, I found out that he had recently split from a longtime girlfriend. He was vague with the details but reassured me that he was no longer interested in her. Despite my initial suspicions, I trusted him, and on pursued our relationship. After three months he returned home to the UK for a visit. I found it strange that he left behind very few possessions and most of these were small, inexpensive things. He left behind an old phone and agreed that I donate it as he did t need it anymore. We agreed for me to delete the data on it. I went through the phone to remove the sim card and the data and on doing this, I found messages from a woman that ended with affectionate sign offs. I thought I would address this with him when he returned! In the back of my mind I was devastated / but surely a reasonable explanation might exist? It might have been messages from his sister, right?As the weeks went by, he seemed to find multiple excuses for why his trip back to NZ should be delayed. Finally, after much exhaustion, he returned, after a period of three months.On return, we resumed our relationship. By this stage I was so elated to have him back that I forgot about the phone saga. On pursued our relationship but then five months later he returned to the UK again for another holiday. This time, he was ambivalent about returning, saying he missed his family, NZ was far away from them, and the process of getting PR and work in a country like NZ was exhausting. He sold the car, rearranged his finances and reassured me he was likely to come back but we would wait and see. He left little behind this time, so I was sure he might not return, but I was hopeful.We have maintained regular contact since. I have over the last 7 months while he has been absent, found out more behind his story. He basically has been maintaining a relationship with his ex-girlfriend on and off even while we were a couple and has been talking to her about engagement. This was even during the time he retuned for a holiday last year, and confirms they had had sex. He initially told me he found it hard to get over her, but that now he was over her, and "just wants to move on but finds it hard because they have a history." He tells me he cant delete her number from his phone but he can't tell me why. There was also talk from him that she may have fallen pregnant last year (while we were "together"), but had a miscarriage. The difficulty is that he seems to love her dearly, but she has another lover on the side herself, and I get the sense she just maintains a relationship with him because he has a well paying job. He earns well enough, and she'll demand he pays for holidays, furniture, expensive rings... Even recently I've found out that she wanted to get engaged and demanded an expensive ring and only then would get back with him.So this leads me to now. My 'boyfriend' reassured me that he was planning to return. We maintain almost daily contact you see via skype and text. He told me he was permanently over his ex girlfriend three months ago, but now, only last week after finding it difficult to contact him, he tells me he was in contact with her last weekend and she wants get engaged ASAP. On top of this, he refuses to accept a friend request from me on Facebook and he seems to keep our relationship secret from many people. I think I may know what you are thinking as I've been thinking it a long time too. I love him dearly, I care for him deeply, I guess I ignore a lot of things I shouldn't. Now Im starting to feel that I can't accept this yo-yo relationship that's now brimming with lies, mistruths and deceit. I want an exclusive, loving relationship that is unopen to anyone else. I want to be loved wholey and only and I really can't accept being loved while he intermittently rekindles love and lust with his ex-girlfriend. I cant accept being lied to or manipulated either. I need to be realistic about where we can go as a couple and if it will work.I've linked him to this page so he can see how I feel. Guys, what do you think I should do? What would you say? I'm really exhausted by it all and I guess the only reason I hold onto him today is that I honestly love him and I find it hard to let go. I can't save him from making regrettable mistakes.Many thanks for your advice.Heartbroken Woman
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at work, best friend, engaged, ex girlfriend, facebook, heartbroken, his ex, move on, period, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ironman777 +, writes (10 February 2013):
Hi - I think you know the answer already and when it is making you exhausted constantly thinking about it and trying to make it happen it is not good for your health both physical and mental.The truth is this man will never be with you, he's a nice guy who obviously can't tell one woman or the other its over.... but also I think its sick that is still having sex with both of you also. He cant be in love with either of you enough to honour you and be with you exclusively.My advice is to try and forget about him - delete all this files and ways of getting hold of him and block him on email. If he is really in love with you he would jump on a plane and come and find you, but I dont think this is going to happen.Find someone else who loves you more than this guy does.Sorry for the bad news but love sometimes is not enough to overcome people's basic insecurities and faults. This guy sounds like he has quite a few.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): Thanks guys. I might get a pet rabbit.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): get on with your life. The sooner you put those first desperate weeks, months of being "finished" the better. All you are doing by holding on is postponing that fearsome process (my heart goes out to you tho).
Guys are odd. Finish it with him. There's always a chance he will come rushing back at which point you hold the cards and can pragmatically weigh up your options.
But I gotta tell you. If the ex gf and he are still talking marriage and such, he has a long way to go before he is much use to you as a meaningful partner.
get a dog
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): Thanks for your response. I really appreciate an outsiders opinion. The first time he went back was strictly for a holiday but the second time was because of stress and home sickness and he said he probably would come back, but left nothing behind. I guess I was a little naive, too forgiving and not demanding enough. But the whole experience has been highly tumultuous and exhausting.
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A
female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (9 February 2013):
Dear OP,You were spot on when you said you know the answer to the problem you are facing. Writing it down too makes it so much clearer to you.You are very sure of him. You did everything a girlfriend would for a boyfriend. But sadly, your so called 'boyfriend' has been unable to decide for himself. He is unsure what he wants. There is also a possibility that he MAY be using you when he was in NZ... having someone loving and caring for him while he was away from his family. (This may be wrong because I do not have all the information about the both of you.)Have both of discussed the future of your relationship when he was moving back to UK? If a man loves a woman so much, will he be unsure whether he would be returning to see her? Wouldn't a man who loves a woman want to spend his time closer with her instead of maintaining a LDR? Would the hassle of getting a work and a PR be problematic for a man if he loves you? What is a definition of a couple... did both of you decided for him to leave NZ? Were any decisions made about both your lives discussed between the both of you? Lastly, you do know what you want. You stated clearly in your last few paragraphs, and you deserve that. So why settle for something less?Anyway, you know what you should do. It is one thing knowing what to do and it is another thing actually doing it. So the hard part is now taking the appropriate action to the answer you know is right in your heart. Move forward, delete everything, cry and get over him. It is not going to be easy my dear, but believe me, you will find someone better and worth while in the future. It may not look like it now, but it will. Be strong and have faith in your ability to move forward. Good luck my dear!!!
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