A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:we r both married, both 30yrs, been dating for one year, love each other, want build a family togethr and move on with our lives. i am separated, he is going thru separation now moving stuff out and all. last week his wife got news that she needs immediate surgery that may kill or paralyze her. he feels the noble thing to do is to stay and help her under the circumstances i agree but im torn coz i think this may bring them back. nway he wants us to keep seeing each other as he helps her through this but i don't want to be the side chick. i'm torn and his declaration of love doesn't make it easier, but he cannot guarantee our future whivh is understandabable what to do??
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): First of all its not about what the "family" wants, its not their decision and they have nothing to lose or gain in this. This is about your life and his and his wife's.
Secondly I admire you being strong.
Having said all of this though, I am wondering how the operation has been for his wife. Has it started or ended? So I wonder if there needs to be this sort of discussions at the moment.
Anyway, I don't think he understands the situation. The reality of the future will be that you will be alone and visiting him every now and then...that is not much of a relationship for two people how planned to be with each other forever. Look at how things are already and it's not even really begun. Although a part of relationship is to stick by one's side and that sort of thing, he wont be by your side since he is at his wife's.
I mean in everything, it sucks for him coz he has to choose...but I guess he chose already and this is his wife.
In the end its up to you what you want and is fair.
Mature people can be there for each other like you and him could and you can try to date other guys and try to find someone who will be there for you. He can't be there at his wife's side and have you...it does not work like that.
I agree its not a fling but these are the decisions we make so we don't hurt each other, and because we love the other. I just don;t see it working out assuming he has to take care of her. Unless he finds someone to take care of her. Good luck again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I told him that this whole situation is not fair to me, him or his wife & the best solution is for us to stop, his reply was,' I do not want to leave you, I would not have introduced u to my family if this was a 'fling' & please just bear with me for a bit coz I don't want us to end. We will figure it out.' It sounds good, but I don't think it will work & I am praying for strength to go through with this. It's harder coz his whole family & I have a great relationship & they would love us to be together rather than him & his wife....????? Help
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): It is hard esp the 1st day when it is really over...cry, yell, and do what u have to do to make it feel better. Talk to a close friend, get encouragement although nothing he/she says will make u feel better it still helps. Everyday and as time passes...you will feel better I promise. Loneliness...I can't take it as well and having lost something so close...you only want it again.
Give it time...give yourself time, love yourself more and beleive in yourself, you will feel better and become stronger and healthier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): i think you and so many other women having affairs with married men have been duped by thier lovers. the lies and the creative lies are enought to full a book. this man will not "fully" leave his wife. it has been proven time and time again. you deserve better than just being his sex on the side. i hope you have realised this already.
his promises mean nothing. even if he does leave her for you, he will go back to her. i have seen this many times and surprisingly the second time with the wife actually works.
you are young and you owe it to yourself to move on and find love. exclusive love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is still fresh & still hurts but the general answer most of u gave is end it. Now I have to find a way to do this coz he is making it real hard. What's hitting me the most right now is the loneliness we spent ALOT of time together up until last week summer is coming & I don't know where to start but Thank You Cindy, Jason & Anonymous.I'll keep u updated.
Still Sad
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): So he was just about to leave and then suddenly this news is sprung on her? He wants to stay around because he's 'noble' and wants you and him to carry on seeing each other behind her back anyway?
And you believe this?
You're a fool.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened (not quite such a major op but similar) to my ex blokes wife. I let him go I told him that his duty to his wife came first and whatever we had needed to go on hold. It nearly killed me I was so lonely and wondered about my future but bit by bit I started to move on and I found someone who was properly available and fell in love. I was not prepared to prop him up because the lie had gone on too long anyway and I needed commitment. I guessed it was fate. I am glad I did this. Yes, he stayed with his wife, 10 years later and another child they are still together she is completely recovered. I realise now that he probably was never going to leave - yes he could have done - but if I had truly been what he wanted he would have found me once she recovered. Whatever relationship you have with this guy you WILL be feeling like side chick and I don't recommend it - it could go on for years!! Tell him out of respect for his wife, as a human being, he needs to concentrate on a caring role and agree to start again when (if?) the situation changes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I don't think there is anything you can do. You 2 were seeing each other while he was still married so I mean...already crossed a border there in my opinion. Which makes situations like this difficult. Anyway...yes they may hook back up but that is assuming things take a turn for the worse, god forbid. I think a solution would be for him to move out like planned and higher someone to take care of her and visit her often to make sure she is ok. I don't see nobility in having a girl on the side when you are already planning to devote your life to another. I think you should explain to him that it hurts more if you were to be on the side. And on the other hand if he decides to stay with her which I guess is forever then it's best for you to dump him and move on. Maybe you can stay friends but as far as relationship goes, it will have to end.
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female
reader, cindy888 +, writes (11 June 2009):
I think his obligations are clear and it may alter your future plans together because this tragic event may make him realize what he could really lose so I don't think you can do much except go on with your divorce and stay on track with your other goals that you have. Keep busy. I believe that things in life happen for a reason and this would be a good time for you to take a step back and let the cards fall where they may. You'll never know what he really wants if you don't give this space and continue to see him. He'll come back to you if that's where he's meant to be...
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