A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So, it's been a few months since me and my ex broke up. We were together for about a year and a half, maybe less than that but close. When we broke up I was quite fine, I didn't mind at all, my feelings we're mutual. But now that it's been a few months my feelings are changing and I'm starting to miss him. You see in my relationship with him after about 9 months we broke up and then got back together because we still loved each other. I was an emotional wreck when we got back together and all I would do was cry continuously and remind him of our break up because I just couldn't believe he would break up with me and not try or do anything to get me back. I was the one who initiating getting back together and when we finally got back together I guess I screwed it up even more by crying about such a stupid subject. I guess because of me being an emotional wreck he slowly stopped being interested in me and became a bit of an asshole, i think he did it on purpose so that I would break up with him because he was too weak. It didn't work, every time he became an asshole, i became a massive, emotional bitch. It was terrible, i blame myself completely for ruining my own relationship. After I think 6-8 months he finally broke up with me. Now I realise, everything was my fault and I just feel like crap because I never realised this when we were dating. I loved this guy so much and the first thing I did when we got back together was cry over the phone because he wouldn't chase after me and then I couldn't trust him and became extremely clingy and moody all the time and controlling whatever he did. I was just horrible, i have no idea how he put up with me. I don't really know what type of advice I want, I just hate how I could I be so stupid? Why didn't I realise I was a complete fool? Why am I just realising it all now? It's true he was horrible, but it was my fault that he became one, and I just really regret everything. I want to apologise to him but now he wants nothing to do with me, I really do miss him but I know our break up was for the best, well for him at least. I really don't know what I want, I just feel like an absolute idiot for everything. The basic question would be, how do i get over my ex? But i already know the answers to that, I guess I just need some one to vent to, do you think I'm crazy? Or an absolute idiot? I really want an honest opinion, please criticise me, I really don't want to feel like everything's okay because I know it's not. Even though it's too late, I just need someone to be completely honest to me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 July 2012):
 Hi
first off you are way too hard on yourself.
Most times there are faults on both sides but you are only seeing your faults.
Besides teenage relationships have a very high likelihood of breaking up.
And the Emotions swirling around a failing relationship (no matter what the age of the parties in the relationship) results in a swirling cauldron of emotions.
Guys and Girls are both affected. Guys often cry just as much girls cry. Guys often get VERY emotional in the face of a threatened break up.
And it is entirely normal to remmeber the good times and miss the good times. Though often when that Nostalgia hits we forget the bad times. The reasons why you broke up.
When you go through a break up and you lose someone or something that was precious to you then you go through a grief cycle. First Disbelief and shock. Then the stages and finally acceptance. You are still in the grief cycle, as you are not yet over him.
And you want Honesty.
So I will do my best.
At first you felt it was a mutual decision. But, on reflection, you miss him.
You still loved him after the break up and had not really resolved that and so you were drawn back to each other. Such things happen very often in relationships. When it becomes a real problem is when you continually break up and continually return to each other, multiple times. You are not at that troubled stage yet.
You were deeply affected by the earlier break up and had not worked through your feelings and still had lingering grief and depression - hence all the tears. That Depression needed treatment back then as depression is a serious and VERY TREATABLE illness that deserves professional support. And Depression is NOT you fault. But does have havoc with all your relationships as temporarily it is harder for you to be yourself when you are depressed.
When a person is depressed they need calm and kindness and support and empathy. NOT more tension.
And after that first break up he disappointed you by not showing much interest in getting back together. Sometimes guys do this to hide their feelings. They don't want to admit they too are under pressure so they make out nothing matters and make out that they don't care. And Sadly sometimes they really do not care at all.
To some guys every girl is just a notch on his belt. But I do not think that was the case with your guy. I think he did try for a while to make it work.
You initiated the reunion and re-start of the relationship so that made him feel safe (that you liked him) and he was happy to resume the relationship. That indicates to me that he liked you still.
You cried, you were depressed. Don't blame you. Depression is an illness that deserved and requires treatment. He may not have realised how depressed you were. It might have confused him.
Guys often slowly stop being interested in perfectly nice girls and very pretty girls - with or without depression -and that is just how guys are when they are not really committed to a girl.
It takes girls a while to discern genuine guys from guys who are not really committed to a girl.
So he became complacent. And he became an a****e.
And I am going to go with your assessment here. Because you are spot on. Weak guys often start to behave badly when they want to move on and want to break up.
So they behave in an appalling way.
The girl (usually) has no choice but to break up - It is a Respet thing. Never stay in a relationship if you are not being respected.
Once the girl initiates the break up the Weak Guy who behaved appallingly then goes around for a week or two gathering sympathy, "Look what she did to me!!!" and all his friends give him support and help him to find new girls to interest him. He acts like the vicim when e is not. It is pathetic weak behaviour.
But you took the other strategy. One I do not think is good for your own Respect of you. Though you played the game to force him to 'Out' himself as the weak manipulative guy he was and come out and tell you that he wanted to break up.
He would not have liked that.
You did not ruin the relationship at all. It was the actions on both sides.
He was being an A*****e
you were supposed to dump him
You did not
He kept on being an A****
And you responded in kind with your own female version of his bad behaviour.
In a word it was an EQUAL contribution of Toxic behaviour
NOT all your fault.
Finally he initiated the break up.
You did not want to break up.
He did.
But he delayed the agony
You responded.
In the end he did what he should have done earlier.
You very ably put him in a position where he had to take the action he shrunk from taking earlier.
You too could have broken up with him, but you made your point and you made him do it.
And understandably you are now broken hearted.
But not that broken hearted that you do not recall some of his behaviour that was telling you that though you loved him, he was not reciprocating. He wouldn't chase you and you couldn't trust him.
TRUST is central to any good relationship. Without TRUST you don't have the good foundations for a long term relationship. Better to identify that now than waste thirty years before you discover that a guy cannot be trusted.
Lack of trust destroys so much in a relationship. If he did things to destroy your trust then that was his doing. Men and women of all ages, when faced with a lack of trust, do become insecure about the relationship. That is entirely NORMAL.
Lack of trust leads to insecurity, to fear, to anxiety. You still loved him. But his actions that led to you not trusting him made your feelings go up a notch. That would not have made it any easier for you, especially as you were already suffering depression.
You were not stupid.
You were facing a tough situation.
And you were suffering Depression
And he was behaving like an A*****e as well
He was not understanding you were suffering Depression and probably he does not have the empathy and skills to help you with that anyway.
You were definitely NOT a complete fool
It was NOT your fault that he became an A*****e. That may be his natural condition when he is under pressure.
Forget the Apology and get thee to the Doctor for treatment for your Depression. Then you will be stronger to face the world, and him if need be. Ask the Doctor to not only dispense medication for Depression but to also refer you on to a Counsellor skilled in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to see you regularly to work through some issues that are troubling you. Then you will feel so much stronger.
No time for apologies yet, because I think your health comes first. And it may be premature to think of an apology yet - not until you can see the real situation more clearly
It is HIS loss if he wants nothing to do with you. Such a short relationship. He does not completely know the real you yet. That is His Loss.
Once you grow stronger emotionally and start realizing that you were not the one 100% at fault then there may be an opportunity in the future to meet up with him and talk things over.
You get over your ex by first focusing on your own health and welfare.
Then focus on your own self esteem and building that self esteem so that you never need to be so hard on yourself again.
List your ten BEST points about you. value you.
pin that list up on the inside of your wardrobe door and give yourself credit for what a nice person you are. Look at the list every morning. And give thanks for who you are.
Focus on your physical health too and get out walking daily with some neighbors or in a local fitness group, even if they are not in your age group, They might have sons or grandsons in your age group.
Find out what community groups or Interest groups are in your area - where they are involved in something once a month that you might like to contribute to or join. it could be a volunteer group. Something you could do at weekends. it might be about learning a new skill - like a painting group. They may not be in your age group. But you need to get out there amongst good kind caring people before you are emotionally strong enough to face the harsh realities of dating guys who are not always as nice as they seem.
Do you have a set of reliable girl friends who have been good supporters? If not that is almost another question in itself. Suffice to say that when your own self esteem is rebuilt on a stronger foundation than now then you will find it easier to make good friends - both as nice reliable girlfriends who you can talk things over with. Or as potential boy friends.
You do need first to get the Depression sorted out. First Priority.
And you need the self esteem in better order than it is now, or else the problem will keep on reoccurring.
And your communication and the way you resolve things need to make good use of EMPATHY. But that understanding will happen once you have had your depression treated and once you have benefitted from some good CGT discussions with an expert.
My Best wishes to you
Abella
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 July 2012):
 You have to respect his reasons for breaking up with you, that's if he gave you a valid reason. Dating goes both ways. Not every man wants to be with you and you won't want to be with every single man. It is not reflective of your self worth and your desirability. A lot of times young guys don't want the responsibilities and hassles of a relationship. Maybe he got back with you because he felt guilty and wanted you to feel better, but that bandaid didn't last very long. It is totally normal to be emotional in a relationship. However crying in front of him will not prompt him to become more loving and attentive. You were just running to the wrong source if you want comfort because many young men want to remove themselves from emotional situations. A mature man knows that a hug makes everything better. You also have to realize your relationship is not totally responsible for your strong emotions. It is something pent up all the way from childhood and is finding a way to let out. It is like an emotional cartharsis. Part of growing up, finding self identity and acceptance. Again a young boyfriend is not the best person to direct this energy to. You will find that after this experience you will be more mature, confident and able to handle things in the future.
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