A
female
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anonymous
writes:I'm hoping someone can give me some advice - I seem to have got myself into a no-win situation. I'm sorry this is long, many thanks for reading...A couple of months ago, I met up with an ex. I hadn't seen him for 14 years - we originally went out when we were 17 years old.Anyway - we met up, it became sexual immediately. However, he had just returned from working abroad, and was due to start a new job abroad very soon. He is also recently divorced. So I saw it merely as a distraction and fun.He, however, was calling me 5 times a day, wanted to see me all the time. Then he started talking about how he could see he had a future in this country, and was so much more optimistic about life since meeting me. He was very very 'full on'. But as I wasn't too involved, I only went to see him once a week. I genuinely wasn't emotionally involved at this point.Cut to last weekend, he called me drunk. He said he was getting deep feelings for me, which scares him - as his heart is stone since his divorce. He said he had almost told me he loves me and wants to see me all the time - and that scares him. He said he couldn't commit to a full-on relationship because of his fears. I said I wasn't looking for one anyway! We agreed that we had a nice thing going on. He brought up the issue of seeing other people. I said if he just wanted 'fun' that it wasn't a problem. He said he saw it as more than 'fun' - but that he couldn't make any promises about not seeing other people - but that right now all he wanted was me. He said his ex wife had slept with someone else and was scared of it happening to him again, so he didn't want to make promises. But that he would be gutted if I slept with someone else. He then said he was meeting an ex later that week - and we had a bit of a strained conversation about that, but he said there was nothing more than friends.Anyway - this Thursday, he told me he had decided to take a a 6 month contract abroad after all and had 6 weeks til he went. He said he is in a bad place afer his divorce, is scared to trust anyone, feels he has no friends in this country and is lonely. His views on humanity go beyond cynical. He said he still wanted to see me, loves being with me - but that he can't say where his future will take him, but he'll stay in touch whilst abroad and we'd see where things went. We then went on to discuss how the 6 month contract could be a stepping stone to start a career in this country afterwards.By this point, I had crossed the line from seeing it as a distraction - probably as a result of him being so full on about how much he liked me. I said I had to think about whether I could see him for the 6 weeks. He said he didn't want me to get hurt - and was being honest with me about not being able to give anything, as he didn't want to mess me around.So now I seem to be in a position where HE has been full on and led me to getting more emotionally attached. But then stepped right back - and is acting as if I am putting the pressure on. But HE gave me that expectation in the first place.Now I don't have a problem with him going away - he needs to sort his head out and get back on track. But he obviously thinks that IS my problem. What actually upsets me is that after all he has said, he can quite clearly cope with just 'hanging out' for 6 weeks, then go abroad and not feel remotely upset. I'm not sure I can go back to just seeing it as a distraction. And to top it all off, since I last saw him on Thursday, he hasn't called - even though we had arranged to see each other on Saturday night. I don't know if it's because he's waiting for me to decide whether I can carry on for the next 6 weeks. Or because he thinks I want more, and is avoiding me.I don't know what to do. I haven't called him because a) I don't want to get hurt b) so he can see I'm not pressuring him or wanting to 'talk', c) to give him a chance to miss me and d) he seems to respond better when I'm 'not bothered'.What has happened here? I know there's not future as he's going away - but I feel crap that he has pulled away after making out he liked me so much. I don't know what to do.Thanks you so so much for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2006): He sounds very confused - and so do you. He's going to be gone very soon for six months.
You say you had arranged to meet Saturday (yesterday) and he didn't contact you. That was inconsiderate, and YESTERDAY afternoon was when you should have called to see whether you were still going out in the evening. After all, if you were NOT getting together with him, you could have made other plans, yourself, right?
As it is now, you COULD call him to say something like "I thought we were going to meet Saturday evening. What happened?" But, you risk getting rebuffed and being told he just doesn't want to deal with it.
But basically, I think you already have your answer, in that he told you he cannot give you anything, doesn't want to mess you around, or for you to get hurt. This is probably why he opted out on your plans for yesterday.
I think you should do nothing right now, but see if he does get in touch. You ALSO need to think about whether you can REALLY handle seeing him for the next six weeks and then he will be gone for a long time. Do you think you can cope with that prospect, without getting disappointed?
Let us know how things turn out! Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2006): dear friend
i think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel.
i think you should tell him that you don.t know where you stand with him.
and ask him are you two just friend or is there more two us and if so what because you a bit confuse where you stand with him. i hope this help you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2006): dear friend
i think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel.
i think you should tell him that you don.t know where you stand with him.
and ask him are you two just friend or is there more two us and if so what because you a bit confuse where you stand with him. i hope this help you
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (3 September 2006):
 He love me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. Do you have a daisy you can pull the petals from as you read this? LOL.
It sounds like he's confused . . . and you sound confused too. It sounds like you really don't care if he's in your life or not, so let him go on his 6 week "vacation". In the meantime, get on with your life. I wouldn't lose sleep over him. Move on.
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