A
female
age
36-40,
*eMakesMyHeartPound
writes:I've been with my boyfriend now for almost 3 months... not very long. However, we've developed such an amazing connection. Strong, amazing, happy feelings I haven't felt in years. He's become both my close friend and lover. most importantly, he's gained my trust. he was cheated on in the past (it tore him apart), so i thought i didn't have to worry.A couple days ago he confessed that a girl kissed him at a party... and he kissed her back for a couple minutes (he was drunk) before 'throwing her off', telling her 'he's not like that' and that he has a gf. supposedly the girl left crying. my whole body went numb when he told me this. he had another girl's lips on his. i felt deceit. betrayal. stupid for trusting him. used. completely and utterly disillusioned and disappointed. if he felt all those things about me... such a warm lovingness... how could he do that? it must be a lie. i'd thought everything was so perfect...he felt awful. a broken man. red-faced. crying. shaking. throwing up. telling me over and over that he cares about me so much, that i mean the world to him, that he wants to share his life with me, that i wasn't wrong to believe him, that he's sorry. he even brought me his favorite possession (a painting-- he's a painter) to show me that material things don't matter to him, that i'm all he wants/needs.all i wanted was an answer: why? if he cared so much, why would he do that? obviously he'd been flirting with her to give her the idea that he'd kiss her... how was it SO F***ing easy for him to forget about what we have??his main 'excuse' is that he was drunk. but for the most part, i got a series of 'i don't know'. after thinking about it for a while he said, 'maybe it was the attention?' he said he stepped outside of who he was and that the pain he is experiencing is also disappointment in himself. i care about this man so much. i feel like i have no choice but to give him another chance because of how much i care about him. but i am so scared. he HAD my trust before. So my question is: Why do you think he could have done such a thing?? how do i trust him again? obviously i was wrong to trust him before. who's to say its ok to trust him now? if it happened again i'd feel so broken. i dont even know how to approach this situation. i just want things to be back to normal. i hate these feelings. please, anyone, anything can help.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (17 August 2010):
Things arent going to be the same because he took your trust and invaded that and that is a hard thing to forgive! and not trying to excuse him but you do stupid things when you are drinking and really don't have control over your mind his was temptation!and he didn't resist. so question is when he's at a party again do you trust him can he even go by himself? you know you are going to question him! trust is a precious thing between 2 people should be and when one over steps that it's a hard thing to get back. and it is in all do time that things will esculate if you think you can forgive him and truly not throw anything up in his face and really put the past in the past! and as you said another chance i wish you both the best it's your life just don't give him to many chances it becomes a habit and then they stop taking you seriously because you keep taking them back!!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 August 2010):
 I read your post three times, and I want to say how sorry I am that you're going through this. I can only imagine the devastation, fury, sadness, insecurity, and heartbreak you are feeling now and felt the moment this guy revealed to you what has happened.
This one is complicated. Did you catch this guy, or were you informed about this event by a friend or someone at the party? Did he come clean on his own for no reason except his guilty conscience?
I do believe your guy was honest about his reasons for kissing the girl. Guys are very sexual and can kiss (and unfortunately, have sex) with girls who aren't the one they love and have it mean nothing emotionally to them except an ego boost or simple sexual relief. Add the mix of alcohol and the lowering of inhibitions, and their other organ cuts off the blood flow to their brain, especially when some girl comes onto him and he feels that heady ego rush of a girl wanting him.
You should NOT let him off the hook. Whether he stopped it or not, he has exposed a grave weakness. Alcohol is not an excuse to do things like this. All alcohol does is lower your inhibitions to the point of you doing what you've wanted to do. At 4 months into a relationship, no other girl should even turn his head right now, much less get him to lock lips for 2 minutes with her. 2 *seconds* and then a "push away" is one thing, but sex has been known to last less than 2 minutes for some guys!
If you take him back, it should be with conditions because he will have to rebuild your trust in him. Even if he feels disappointed in himself and is throwing-up-distraught with what he did, the weakness still exists. Can he say that if he was again put in the same situation that he wouldn't do that again? What about 5 years into the marriage when things aren't as steamy as they were at 4 months, only then, you have a house and 2 kids??
There's also another HUGE point that you didn't mention on here, and that this: Did he know the girl he kissed? Was it an ex or a longtime crush? Or was it some random stranger? I would be less inclined to forgive if he had some attachment to this girl, because that crosses more than one line, seriously.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): I understand your feelings but I would give him a chance if he came out clean with you and geniunely feels sorry about it. It is somewhat a legit excuse that he was drunk because alcohol impairs people's judgement and decision making but it still doesn't make cheating right.The only thing is no one forced him to drink and he got himself into the situation where his faithfulness was compromised but if he confessed to you and feels really bad about it give him ONE chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Well 3 months isnt long really, i mean its long enough for you to think you love him, but is it long enough to really say that you are so in love that you cant live without him.
If i were you i would get out now while you can, before you fall anymore in love. trust is a hard thing to gain and once broken you may never get it back. I say once a cheat always a cheat. He tells you that he'll never do it again, and he loves you so so much, any guy would say that to a girl to save there own ass. And being drunk is NEVER a good EXCUSE to use! its a sad way of trying to get your self out of trouble.
The choice is yours if you truley belive it actually was a BIG mistake and that he will never do it again then give him another chance (as it was quite honest of him to admit it to you) but that dosnt mean anything really, or find another guy, before you fall to much in lvoe and it eats away at you but its too late to do anything about it because you have actually gorwn so fond of him.
When your with a new guy that hasnt cheated it will always be a better realtion ship, because nothing ever will be in the back of your head!
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