A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello! Ok, so my boyfriend mentioned to me yesterday that he thinks he has issues with commitment. He is 31 and has had three girlfriends before me throughout his 20s. The first was four years long, he wasn't really happy though so they broke up. The other two were a year and then a year and a half and just didn't work out. He broke up with the girls in all instances. I told him I didn't think he had issues. He's not the type to settle for an average life where he might end up unhappy. But he says that with me - he feels he has put measures in place to avoid being able to leave. Not in a bad way, he says he loves me and is happy and if he wasn't happy he would leave! But for instance, he suggested we move in together and now we have just gotten a puppy. He does talk of marriage and babies too. He just thinks that living together was a good idea and also it would have made him stay and work things out and not run away too fast!He's quite a logical and rational thinker but I am a bit emotionally led. Should I worry about his commitment?? He can be impulsive too which probably led to some of his breakups but he says that quality has improved with age.
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): As a shack-up boyfriend he enjoys all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities, and he has basically put you on notice that he reserves the right to walk away at any time.His "talk" of marriage and babies is just that, talk; he wants to string you along with the implication of a future together without making any concrete promises to which he can be held.As my late grandmother would have said, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Especially when boyfriend seems to think that the milk can go sour at any second.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 March 2014):
 If you have already lived with him for one year, why are you asking now? Has something happened? Or are you wondering whether he's getting close to point where he left one of his previous partners?
I think the motive for moving in together was silly (sorry) - that is not why people move in together. Anyway, living toghether and even sharing a pet hasn't stopped millions of people around world from leaving a relationship.
OK, so about your question. I have a friend and all of his relationships would last 3 years plus a few months - then he'd swiftly (very, very swiftly) move on to the next. With his current relationship, mutual friends were looking to see what would happen at the 3 year point. Nothing. It is now about 5 years and they are going strong. Maybe my friend matured and worked out that running away isn't always the best option when things get a bit stale.. or maybe his current partner is "the one".
You are already in quite deep since you live together and share a pet. I would certainly consider carefully before taking any more big steps like marriage and babies (in this case, with his committment issues, they should be in that order).
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): OP here, just to clarify again that we have already lived together for one year and been in a relationship for one and a half years. We knew each other about 8 months before getting together. An example to maybe explain what I mean is: About 10 months ago I started using the patch contraception. I went psychotically emotional with major mood swings for about three months before I realised it all started happening when I started the patch. I was starting fights with him everyday, crying and tears EVERYDAY!!! Anyway, he told me that if we hadn't been living together that he probably would have broken up with me - we'd only been together about 8 months so the fighting etc was a bad indicator. But he wanted to be with me and the fact that we were living together made him stay and try to work it out. I went back to normal after I came off the patch (thank god!) that's what he means by it. That he would have left if we weren't living together (fair enough - it was a very tough time). We did talk about it. I told him that I don't just run away when things get tough and he agreed with me. Hope this gives more insight into what he meant by ''measures in place"Thanks
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): If someone tells you they have commitment issues, take it as a warning. You can "talk" about babies and marriage. Like you talk about the weather and how you'd like to be a millionaire. It's all in the realm of conversation.
Talk is just talk. People with admitted commitment-issues, and a record of broken relationships behind them; cannot be trusted to maintain solid relationships. He warned you so he would always have a built-in escape route or emergency exit. He'll cut out as soon as anything unexpected or too serious happens. I noticed you didn't say how long you've been together, yet how long he was with other women.
Why would you leave out such a crucial detail?
Soon as things don't go his way, he's out. Don't go planning babies and marriage around this guy. Only a fool would. You're being invited to be his roommate/maid.
Sex on-demand is a bonus, mostly to his benefit.
You'll pay half the rent, cook meals, keep-house, and do all the things expected of a wife. You'll also be wagering on him taking things to another level. You'll be writing DC again in another year or so. That is, if he's around that long. Your next post will be about how things went south.
Your relationship is on a shaky foundation. Don't move in, until your relationship reaches a two-year mark. Make him prove his commitment first.
Move in, and within a year, you may be looking for a place to live, or a new roommate. Don't build your nest on the flimsy tip of a branch.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 Yes... you "... should worry about his committment."
This guy has TOLD YOU that he isn't interested in a REAL committment/relationship.
You wrote: ::...he says he loves me and is happy and if he wasn't happy he would leave!" Do you know what that means, in "guyspeak"??? It means that he will play along with being a "boyfriend/partner" until/unless he thinks that things aren't exactly to his liking (or, he's attracted to another little bit...) and THEN, he will walk away, and "justify" himself by saying: "Heck, (your name here), I TOLD you that I love you AND WOULD STAY WITH YOU until I wasn't happy. And, now I'm not (happy), and so I'm leaving... just as I predicted."
We guys really AREN'T such complicated creatures. BUT, you girls have to be on the lookout for our boorish behaviour, and pick up on the hints that we give you....
Good luck.....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): Hes telling you he has put things in place to 'avoid him from leaving'. What would they be? Is he going to lock himself in?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): OP here, just to clarify. We have lived together for one year and been in a relationship for one and a half years. We knew each other about 8 months before getting together.
Thanks
...............................
|
