A
female
age
51-59,
*tsie
writes:I need advice so badly! I am 41 an he is 50. We have been dating 2 years and we both have had 2 divorces each and we both have kids. I have been divorced 6 years and he has been divoced 8 years. We get along great, we love each other we spend all the time we can together. I live in a small condo 1.5 miles from my job in a big city. He lives 1 hr away in nice big home i a wine valley. He stays at my place at least 5 days a week since he owns 3 business here in town. He constantly tells me how much he loves me and how he never thought he would meet a woman like me. He says he thought he was just gonna date and never be in a serious relationship ever again etc etc... He told me he loved me 2 months into dating and I fell in love as well, we get along fine and have a lot in common. First off, please know I'm not in a big hurry to get married but I would like that to some day in the future. He has been trying to convince me to move in with him an dwas upset when I said no. However, I am not sure I want to do that. The problem? He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he does not believe in marriage, that it is only a paper and it does not mean or guarantee anything. When I try to argue that it is a strong commitment he says its only in your head.That he is way more commite dto me than a piece of paper. That no one will love me lik edoes. I do understand and know that his exes did drag him through the dirt emotionally and financially. I too went through very bad divoorces but refus eto blame anyone but myself for making that choice in a relationship. I feel bad for him and understand but it is unfair for him to assume I will be the same. I took nothing from either of my marriages not even spousal support or half the house. I am not money hungry ..I work and make good money. I tell him he is scared and he says no its just a preference. I am 41 and I dont want to have a boyfriend when I'm 50 or 60. Our families and friends see how we get along and are always asking when we will marry. I dont say anything...he reponmds we dont nee dto marry we are fine th eway we are. That does not sit well with me and I let him know it plenty. I love the guy to bits and just writing this email brings me to tears. it really nips at me constantly and is always in the back of my mind.
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divorce, fell in love, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): If you feel strongly about marriage then what ever you do you should not move in with him. If he really loves you and wants you in his life he will change his mind and if he is not willing to change his mind then you probably need to move on. Moving in with him will give him less incentive to ever ask him to marry you. As I would see it you would think he would want you taken care of if he should pass before you and if married you would at least get his social security payments if he passed away. You should not live with somoene all the last years of your life and then have to be alone and have nothing when they pass. Just the way I see it.
A
female
reader, Mary D +, writes (9 December 2009):
Marriage isnt a "label" Its a divine institution created by God himself.People try to be too hip these days,whats wrong with being traditional and get married before you live together- she wants to be recognized as a wife not girlfriend.Marriage protects women spiritually,finanacially and emotionally. I cant understand why anyone would want to live together,statistic after statistic shows its bad for people.
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A
female
reader, Jolin  +, writes (12 August 2009):
whatever happen in his past..he shouldnt carry forward to his current relationship..that you are involved in. Today is today, today is not yesterday..today is he and you, not he and his ex. So, shouldn't he be overwhelming happy with you so he can forget his dramatic past?
Forget about the story of his sad, & dramatic past..it's just an excuse.
When the marriage stuff is an important thing to you, although he doesnt believe in marriage... he will marry you. If he thinks marriage isn't a big deal, why hard to marry then???
He may own many business and money..but he can't be too proud ignoring what matters to you... because he's rich? gimme a break! is he too scared that you will grab his money??? LOL!! well, yknow..there are many men out there, richer than this man, but willing to marry his girlfriend.. :D :D..and.. (perhaps younger??) :D
if i were you, frankly..i dont buy that excuse.. i will move on, if marriage is important to me.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (12 August 2009):
 If this is such a big issue for you then maybe you're not as perfect as a couple as you thought you were. You don't need to be married, you can live together and be common law partners. Same rules apply as though you were married. If the commitment is there then it doesn't make sense to need that label.
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