A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Things have been good but we're trying to think more seriously about our future together.He's from another country and originally wanted to move back there to start a life. For a little while, I thought I did too, but I realised that in reality I wouldn't be happy. I don't speak the language (I've been trying to learn the whole time we've been together but I just cannot grasp it), I'm very close with my family so I know I'd be homesick, I wouldn't have a job and would have very little options and finally I suffer from depression and I feel like moving there is just poking the bear. Anyway, I explained this to him and he understood. However he doesn't want to live in the UK as it's quite expensive in my area and he doesn't have faith in the healthcare or education system (which is a reasonable doubt to have with current events). So we're trying to compromise and think of a place we'll both be happy. He wants to build a house in his home country that he can rent out eventually for income. However he wants to build it himself, which can take anywhere from 6months to 1.5 years. I thought he could go there and I will work on a cruise ship as you can earn decent money from this. But he doesn't like the idea of us being separated for so long (even if we were to visit each other as much as reasonably possible). So it seems like we've reached an impasse. Can anyone offer some external advice? I don't know what else to suggest and he's not being helpful on his side, so I want to bring options to the table. He's my best friend and there are no real issues other than this. It seems silly to break up over us trying to provide for a stable future, unless one of us compromises and then we're still unhappy because one of us doesn't get our own way, which doesn't resolve anything.Thank you
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 August 2018):
 Let's say he build a house there... that means IT IS where he wants to be. So what about you? Would you have t give up living near your family? Well, yes.
When you date someone who isn't from around where YOU are from, THIS is where it goes. Either he stays (and he doesn't want to) or... you go to his country ( and you don't want to long term.)
What if you two have children, would you want them to be raised there? No having your family around to help out, to fuss over them, love them (except from afar and on holidays)?
Is this really a good partner for you long term?
He doesn't want you to work a cruise ship, so what? You are going to sit in his country and twiddle your thumbs (as you don't speak the language thus can't find work).
I don't think it's a "silly" reason to break up over. YOU TWO do not want to LIVE in the same geographical area! Kind of hard to make THAT work out.
You could suggest he goes home and builds a house and you find a job (which job YOU want and can get) and start saving up. Then you might find that you rather live in his country than be without him or... he might feel the same... or... the relationship will fizzle out, "naturally".
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 August 2018):
 I’m sorry, OP, but you can’t stay together. He misses home - he needs to go back. You’d miss home - you can’t go with him. It’s that simple, albeit sad. Going long distance won’t make either of you change your mind. It doesn’t seem silly to break up over wanting to live in two different countries and not being happy where the other needs to live.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2018): TBH I think you guys should be thinking in more practical way, for instance probably you have to get married first to be able to accompany him to his country and to get a permanent residance permit for you to stay there. Second, he has to get an employment there and prepare a place to stay and these all take time to do. He is thinking of building a house there. Does he have the finances for this? Building a house certainly takes more than 6 months,probably a year and half to two years is more realistic time.I think the best course of action will be to let him go alone to assiss the situation there. Maybe he has some family commitments he doesn't want to share with you right now. If everything goes right for him there then you can consider to join him or not in a year or so. In the mean time you can think he is deployed abroad and wait for him.I have a gut feeling that in less than 6 monthes he will be begging you to send him a visa to return to England unless the living standards in his country is higher than that in the UK.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 August 2018):
 I guess it is a tough one because you thought you would move with him so in his head he probably felt that you would both end up settling in his home land. However it is okay to change your mind, it is a huge step.
Your family is obviously important to you, and if you suffer with depression yes it would be a struggle to be away from friends and family and not speak the language.
You both want to be living at home, and I get that use both understand each other as well, but I really don't understand how you can both compromise here.
So if you are scared to leave home and all you know, why would you want to go on a cruise ship? That is very daunting and it is a place where you will literally know nobody, on top off that it is quite hard to get in to, so would you have a plan B? Also the pay isn't really all that good and you work long hours with barely any sleep in a very small cabin.
Honestly I cannot see how this is going to last if neither off you are prepared to settle in the UK or his home land. I get it seems silly but it won't work unless one off you change your mind. The only options I think you both have is to either break up or to move somewhere that is in the middle off the two countries. But even then neither off you will have your friends or family close by then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2018): You should be understanding, after giving all the same reasons you wouldn't want to leave home. He's giving all the same exact reasons he wants to return to his homeland. There seems to be no common-ground. We're not talking about the next town, or a couple of villages over. We're talking about moving to another country; where you don't speak his language. It means a change of culture, and a different economy. He's already citizen of his nation; that wouldn't make the transplant any better for YOU!
There seems to be no room for compromise. You'd only be switching roles. You'd be wishing you were back in the UK; where everyone speaks your language, and where you could earn a good living. Compromise means you would both have to meet on common-ground. Two different countries doesn't give you that flexibility. It's either/or!
I don't recommend the long-distance relationship route. That's just forestalling the inevitable breakup. Working on a cruise-ship is a highly-competitive and heavily sought-after job. You might get the job one year, but not the next. Then what?
Prepare yourselves to go your separate-ways. He's trying to break-it to you gently; he has already made the decision he wants to leave, and you're the one who has to follow. He gave you four years. Seems reasonable you'd make the sacrifice; if you were looking at it from his perspective.
I'm not one for being too far from my family. I don't want to give-up my great job. Two deal-breakers.
I'd want to be able to quickly find employment, make friends, converse with his family, and I'd want to see my own family regularly.
I wouldn't want to depend on somebody else to financially- support me. Stress from financial-hardship is one of the top reasons people breakup! Who would pay for your return home, if you don't find work? What if you get pregnant?
I wouldn't want it to be a great expense to travel for me or my family. Personally, I do live in another state; and I have to travel home by train or plane. Just a few hours. I'm financially-comfortable; and it's nothing for us to travel either-way. They can easily afford it.
Would it be costly for your family to travel and see you? For the first year, you might not be able to afford to travel. Your cruise ship plan is highly dependent on getting the job in the first-place. What's Plan-B? All his money will be tied-up in his building project.
You would most certainly be poking the bear, if you suffer depression. The culture-shock and isolation might institutionalize you! All countries don't handle mental-health issues the same. All healthcare-systems aren't created equal. When it comes to your health, you stick with what you know!
You just might have to let him go; and understand how he feels. He has dreams and goals; and he wants you to follow him. You know you wouldn't be happy or healthy if you did. You may have to accept that parting-ways is the only solution.
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