A
female
age
51-59,
*alling Leaf
writes:I am 37 years old, I have always dedicated my life to a successful career. For the last 6 years I have been prepared to travel the world and live in a suitcase. This may seem glamorous, but I always felt alone. Even though I had a busy life, my life felt empty. Over the years I realised that life for me would be more fulfilled if I made the effort to have a relationship, and put him before my career.I have met a wonderful man, and due to his better job prospects I moved to an area that is rural, it seems like it is impossible to get a job. But I had no worries to move in with him, we had talked so often about having children, he is 46, and has always dedicated his life to his career, and wants his life to be more meaningful as just filled with work.We both decided to live together and after a few months in his new job to try for a baby. I was extremely happy to give up my career, and be the housewife, because I had the promise of fulfilling myself completely as a woman by having a baby, and with a man that I love. – For me there was no questions, for our child would have loving parents, and total security, I also would have no regrets personally, because I have lived every possible experience of life, and now know that my yearning wish to have a baby would leave me with no looking over my shoulder and to share this wonderful experience with a man that I love to give him my full commitment.It has now come to the time, as we had discussed to stop taking my contraceptive pill, also as we had planned. He now says he thinks it is better to wait for a year or two before trying for a baby. He thinks it is more sensible to wait until the job uncertainty from the financial crisis is over, to ensure everything is financially stable before having a baby. - My man has a very high up job and a salary more than most 2 successful business people have put together, and he also has a good relationship with his boss, and he admits, he does not feel stressed with his job.Even though I have tried to explain to him, how much I have given up to be with him, how much I love him, he has now come to the point to refuse to discuss with me, in hope I will ‘snap out of it’I feel so depressed, and now I find it hard to do the basics of my daily life as housewife to him, and when he returns home I do not want to be with him. He does not approach me on why I am so depressed, because he already knows the reason, just says he loves me and hopes that I will be happy again, because it hurts him to see me this way.I am now considering giving my efforts to our relationship, but only so I can become pregnant. Because without a baby, I feel empty as a woman and know that our relationship will fail due to my resentment building up against him, as it is now starting to do so.I have a strong feeling that once I am pregnant he would be happy, but for me to become pregnant, I also know I would feel resentful to him, that the baby was not a joint decision.I am considering extremely seriously about pretending to him I am happy, trying with the relationship, that I am still taking my pill, and if I fall pregnant to leave him with no discussion to mother my child in my home land. Whilst living abroad would be more difficult to raise a child, for many reasons…I have the strong need to have a child before it is too late; I have lived by myself for 9 years out of choice. Is it selfish of me to leave my man, and give him no after choice to live with me and a baby as a family, when after all, he does not wish it now? And off course he would not trust me again, after this plan to satisfy my needs as a woman, so our relationship together would only end up as strain?
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female
reader, Falling Leaf +, writes (23 April 2009):
Falling Leaf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with your sensible attitude, from the information I had provided in the original email, and Thanks for your reply.
My man is a Managering Director, so he should be safer than others.
I feel from talking to him it is not only this factor, but also he says now it is not only this issue but that we have not been together long enough.
I feel cheated by him, because from the start he has expressed his wishes to have a baby with me, and was great about the idea up until the reality of it began to approach.
I feel completely lost, we had a planned date to start, it was this June, but he has now given until the end of next year as the next-to- try date.
Even though I love him, I am left feeling empty as a woman, and have given up my career for him...It is even harder for me to get a job, because I quitted my job to move 600 miles to be with him...This does not go down well in the slight chance of interviews I have.
He says to wait until the end of next year, that means I will be 39 years old! My doctor says I can still conceive now, but should not wait too long, with my partner's plans now, I would be lucky to have a baby by the age of 41! - Even if this is possible, I would be taking a serious risk to the childs health.
I feel robbed of my life with him, and after every short while of talking to him, I cannot bear to be in the same room as him, due to feeling let down,trapped and angry.
I know I will never find a man better than him, because despite how much pain he is putting me through, he is very loving and sensible.
But I also thought I decerved better than to lose my career, and my chance to be a feel as a complete woman, to have a family, which I accepted over my career from the love I have from him.
I do not live in my homeland, and have given up all my savings to build a home with him, I feel like he has put me in a cage and left me feeling empty.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 April 2009):
 This is a very difficult situation but I actually agree with your partner, it is sensible to wait until the financial crisis is over because right now, no-one's job is safe.
I can totally understand where you are coming from - you have given up so much all with the intention of raising a child. Now that child has been put on hold you feel like you have nothing to fulfill your life. But he is only trying to do what is best for you and your future baby. He is under a lot of pressure as the sole provider, if he lost his job then he would be putting his whole family into jepordy. He will want to give the child the best start in life possible and in the recession it is just not possible to have any certainty at this current time.
The question is, can you wait another year? If you really love this man and cannot see yourself starting a family with anyone else then I suggest you stick it out. If you fall pregnant without telling him you have stopped taking the pill then he will never forgive you and your relationship will be pretty much over. You would be abusing your power as a woman here - a child should be brought into the world when both parents want that baby, it is not fair to the child if the father will always see it as a unplanned burden.
I suggest you have one last talk with your partner, explaining to him that this will be the last time you talk about it you just need to be re-assurred on a few things. For one you have no guarantee that the recession will be over in a years time so what would happen then? Would he want to put in on hold for another year? This is not fair on you, I think if you are willing to comprimise and wait for him to be ready for a baby then he needs to give you his word that in say May next year you will start trying. He needs to commit to having this baby so he cant just keep delaying it over and over again.
If he is willing to give you a date/month then I think you should take this as a good thing and just be patient. A baby will be just as fantastic in a years time as it would be now. Also ask him to bear in mind the 9 months of pregnancy - perhaps he will be willing to start trying for the baby in 3 months time so that the baby will be born in a years time.
In the mean time, you need to try and find something to fill your time. You have given up a lot for him and now your only focus in life is having a baby and being a housewife. Why not get a part time job or do some volunteering? This will give you something to focus on apart from having a baby and will make the months pass much quicker!
I do understand the whole "before its too late" thing - women do have a ticking biological clock and men often forget about this element. I suggest you go to see your doctor - there is a chance at your current age you may already be have fertility issues you are unaware of. If your doctor is able to run some tests then this should give you a better idea of how long you have left to have children and then you can go back to your partner with some definitive timescales with regards to your fertility.
I hope you dont decieve your partner just for the sake of your own desire to have a baby, this is not fair on the child or your partner. Try and get some timscales put into place and fill your time with other things, this will help keep your mind off babies!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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