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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him and I don't know what to do. He owns a 2 bedroom flat and rents out 1 of the bedrooms to his brother. It's run down needs a complete overhaul - messy, dirty, damp and has a leaky roof that I'm sure will have turned to wet rot by now as he is too lazy to fix anything. I want to live with him and have suggested him selling his flat and us buying a home together but he says that would mean him losing his security blanket. He doesn't seem to respect the fact that it would be me who would be standing to lose everything as he does not want my name on the mortgage to his flat and would prefer me to pay rent. Maybe it's so I can't have any control over his brother living in the spare room? I belive that if we are going to move in together that it should be just me and him in the early days as it's those first days that affect your whole life, living together, but he doesn't see my point of view at all. Is it just me? Am I being selfish? I really don't want to move in with the man that keeps telling me how much he is looking forward to us having children if he ain't prepared to commit fully and I can't see why I should live with him and only pay rent yet still be expected to do all the house work, decorating and repairs and trust me, that's a lot of repairs. Is he just using me for my money? Maybe he wants to move me in get his flat done up at my expense then kick me out, and as he doesn't want me on the mortgage there would be nothing at all I could do about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2005): No..you aren't being selfish. You are looking out for your own best interests and playing it very smart. Living together and sharing a life is a huge undertaking and committment at the best of times for most young couples. The very frustrations you are talking about in your letter, are challenging and will eventually get so bad that you two will no longer be able to tolerate each other. He wants you to live with him, under his terms. If you have any doubts, do not move in with him! Your relationship could end rather quickly, moving into his place with all these obstacles in the way.
If you already have your own place, a good job..tell him that's where you will stay put until you and he and you can develop and work together at making a home for both of you. Meaning, you and he look for a place that's best for your relationship and a home (not his place) that you can love and be happy in.
Living together may prove compatibility for a moment in time, but it provides no evidence for your happiness together over a long term. The only way you can have that happiness and compatibility is if you agree to take each other's feelings into account every time you make a decision. And he has to respect that you may not be ready to live with him under HIS terms. Living together requires you both agree to respect each other and commit. If you have any doubts about what you may walk into with what he is offering you...don't move in with him. You can make that choice. He may not like it but he will accept it, if he loves you.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 August 2005):
 Danger, Will Robinson!
This guy doesn't want to move in with you in the traditional, "shacking up" sense of the phrase. He doesn't appear to have any intention of being a romantic unit making a home together with you. He wants you to subsidise his nest egg, his security blanket... and don't think you'll get rid of his brother any time soon, either.
I think you've hit the nail right on the head about his reasons for wanting your name off the mortgage. He likes things the way they are and he doesn't want you to have any power as an equal partner, either to jointly own the property, or to shift his no-'count brother out of the spare room.
I know what I'd be saying, if I were in your shoes, but you need to decide if you want to spend any more time in this relationship, now that you see what your boyfriend regards as your future together. It's either going to be everything going his way, or... well, whatever you decide.
Good luck.
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female
reader, StonePrincess +, writes (8 August 2005):
 I wouldn't move in until he's started to make an effort to fix it up for you, then maybe you should help him out. As for the rent thing and the brother I would just try and overlook it.
It's about you and him and it's not like his brother is sleeping in the same room with you guys, so it's not like you won't ever be alone.
Suggest maybe getting a new pad even with his brother to help pay the rent and give him a place to stay until he finds a place of his "own". Make sure you suttly make this clear.
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