A
female
age
30-35,
*luffyPie
writes:Me and my boyfriend are being a couple for a year now. A few months ago we had a little fight and I told him, in my anger and between the lines, that if he wants to leave this relationship, he's free to do it. He said that he'd be OK whether he left or not this relationship, so either way, he's fine. Next fight: I told him that I need his attention and that sometimes I get angry with no reason, because he NEVER knows what to say - he's not good with small talk and he usually answers me with a smile or a "well..." and shrugs shoulders every time we talk about stuff, or he doesn't know what to say to comfort me when I feel down. For instance, now I went to the hospital, I have some health issues, not bad, but enough to get me down, so 3 days ago I went to be drawn blood for a medical examination in order to find out the real issue. He never asked me how I feel or if the result came out. I'm not looking for sympathy of anything, but one must be genuinely interested in the other's problems, especially when they want to marry you. I feel alone and all he talks about is his stupid hobby, collecting toy cars... Sometimes I feel like I want to kill him. I've told him thousands of times that I feel like he doesn't care enough about me and he said "of course I care about you, how can you say that?" and he ends up kissing me. And then I carry on "yes, but you never ask me how I am or how my day was" (we both work all day long). He said "OK, from now on I will try to be more talkative" (of course he never talks more then he usually does). And then I said "you know, maybe you need a woman to bare with you, I feel frustrated because I always have to act clingy and attention seeking and I'm sick of it". And he says "don't worry, you're not getting rid of me that easy". I know it's not about what he SAYS, it's about what he DOES in order to prove that he cares. And he's cheap when it comes to showing his feelings. He never says "I love you" first, but when I say it, he says it back. But I tend to believe that it's like this, because he grew up in a rigid family. His mother is kinda bossy and they don't talk to much. Maybe she thinks that showing your feelings it's a sign of weakness. I comfort myself with this and hope that I'm right and that he's actually interested in me. I prefer to believe this rather than thinking that maybe he doesn't love me. Maybe it's like this because I used to tell him first about how I am and how my day was. I remember that a while ago I got a promotion, but I didn't tell him, I probably forgot or I was too tired to tell him. And then, after a few days he asked me "why haven't you told me about your promotion?". I said "because you never ask me anything". I've had it that moment. And all he's done was rolling eyes and saying "well, you could've told me". So, a few months ago he told me that he doesn't really care if we break up and now he pulls out this "not getting rid if me that easy" line? What does he mean by that? You're probably thinking that I have better things to do than reading into his behavior and that I should just take things the way they are, but it's really frustrating. Otherwise, we have a good sexual relationship, but sex isn't every thing and he knows that too.. He wants to marry me, but how am I supposed to live like that? Could someone please try to tell me how a man's brain functions? Why aren't men genuinely interested in women? Why can't I just move on from this relationship? Why do I still love him, despite his behavior? Am I doing something wrong? If so, what can I do to make it better? Thanks!
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
 "But paradoxically I don't feel like talking about myself or looking for sympathy. Then why do I act like a drama queen when I'm with my boyfriend?"
It's exactly because you're not getting that stuff out elsewhere. It's also because he's one of the (if not THE) most important people in your life and you want to share everything with him, despite the fact that some of that stuff, he just doesn't care about. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you though. Often people interpret a lack of interest in an aspect of their life as a complete lack of interest in them as a person. That's not usually the case with someone who does love you.
Again I see a communication difference issue at hand. Time for a generalization. Men talk more in public, women talk more at home. Have you ever gone to a party with a lot of couples? I've done just that and watched who was doing the talking. Typically men will do a lot more talking in public or social settings. The women may break off for a side bar, but when everyone is in the same room, the conversation is usually male dominated. The funny thing is that if you ask any of those guys who talks more in their relationship their response will likely be something like, "Are you kidding me? I can't get her to shut up to save my soul!" It's also funny because the minute the couples are on their way home, the women will start talking to their partners while the guys just sit there and listen. I see your question I quoted above as something along these lines.
I'm very glad we've been helpful to you. Another thing that just came to mind is that I think you should make an effort to make some friends. They don't have to be super close, but close enough that you can share some of your drama with them. Ultimately if they feel the need to offer advice, just thank them. You don't have to do what they say, it's your life afterall. You made a mistake in the past, learn from it and move on. Hell, I bet if you apologized to your friend, you could rebuild that relationship.
An unrelated story to make my point about learning and moving on. I totaled my first car a month and 2 days after receiving my drivers license. I was horrified. Nobody was hurt, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to drive ever again. When my dad came to pick me up, he made me drive him home. Talk about getting right back on the horse. I was so scared, but by the time I was home, I was past it (and it was only a few miles).
As people we will always make mistakes, the test is if you can learn from them or not. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (15 September 2010):
FluffyPie is verified as being by the original poster of the question My friends circle is pretty restrained to almost inexisting, otherwise, I wouldn't have come here to ask for help.
That's mostly because of me, since I don't trust people around, I tend to reject them and to believe that they are mischievous and they simply don't care about others' problems or experiences.
I had a bad experience with a girlfriend, we were like sisters, best friends, whatever you want, we've known each other ever since we were kids. But last year I deceived her trust, we've grown up, got more mature... I started to judge her for what she did and for what she became, according to MY standards. I knew and I know it was wrong. In my head, I though I'd help her, by giving her advices, again according to my standards, but I screwed it up instead. Eventually she broke the friendship off, and now I live with the idea that if I open up to someone around me, they might do the same I did with her.
Since I went to college, I didn't bother to make friends, I wasn't able, mostly because I've became socially introverted and I tend to believe that I feel great this way. At work, I see how the others get along well, I do talk to them about work stuff, movies, music and that's kind of it. But paradoxically I don't feel like talking about myself or looking for sympathy. Then why do I act like a drama queen when I'm with my boyfriend?
Anyway, I find your answers extremely helpful and I'll definitely do my best to make things right.
OK, of course I don't expect to have "girl-talks" with him, about my periods and such. And I know that if he didn't love me, he wouldn't have want to marry me. I don't want to let him down. I've ruined 2 previous relationships because of this and honestly, no guy stood next to me more than 2 months. One of them cheated on me and broke up with me without saying anything. He actually never showed up again. No more calls, no more visits, and it made me feel insecure. A few weeks after I saw him with a girl.
It's absurd to ask my boyfriend to help me out with this, since it's not his problem nor his fault. He knows it too and he also knows this is my weakness. But in the bedroom he is another person, he is loving, caring and patient. I think everything's a matter of inner balance, in his case. Sometimes I envy him for this.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 September 2010):
How you get past this is with communication. I'm glad my links helped you. He is very typical in his, "fix it" mentality. That is also one of the most common areas that causes couples problems. Women don't always want men to fix their problems, sometimes they just want to talk about them. To a man, this is worthless. Why talk about it, just fix it.
A couple things you can do is ask open ended questions to strike up a conversation. I gave the example earlier of "are you hungry?" Instead, ask something along the lines of "What should we have for dinner?" As long as he doesn't just give the "I dunno" answer, you'll have the makings for a conversation.
For some of your other communication needs, I think you need to get some girlfriends who you can talk with. They will communicate in a way that is much easier for you and you'll be able to get a lot of what you're looking for out of them.
As far as getting him to open up, I think that you can use his fix-it mentality to your advantage here. You need to make him understand that there is a REAL problem brewing and that there is a solution. Don't let him blow it off. He needs to know you're serious. I think that if he felt that your marriage was actually in jeopardy, he might make some steps to fix the problem. The obstacle I see is that it sounds like you can be a bit of a drama queen (I don't mean this as an insult, just an observation) and he has gotten used to blowing off your drama. I think that if he knew he was actually driving you away, he would change. Just remember, don't expect miracles overnight. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (14 September 2010):
FluffyPie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers! Those links helped me a lot. I mean I knew there are great differences between male and female communication, but after reading these, I'll just try to change a bit. Not change myself for him, because that would make him twice lazier (indeed, dirtball, you're right, he IS lazy when it comes to emotional effort). I'll just try to swallow my impulses and count to ten before saying or doing something reckless again.
Ask oldersister-- He's the typical straight-to-the-point guy, the typical man who listens and comes up with a solution, unlike a woman, who tends to split hairs. He has such a simple vision towards life, he won't even bother to complicate himself with talking about "any thing" just for the sake of talking or asking stuff. He's just taking the world as it is. On the one hand, I love this attitude, I see it as positive, I want to see life from his perspective, but on the other hand, I've noticed that he's like this with everybody else around us, not just me. And what upsets me is that he can't draw a line between them and me.
As a side note, I've been a spoiled child, I had all the attention, I had everything I wanted, since I was a single child, and I'm still "daddy's girl", so yeah, I feel frustrated and I suffer big time when I ask for some attention and I can't get it. He knows it, he is very calm and prudent whenever I start whining or complaining about stuff. He just goes "relax, it'll be fine" and he turns his back on me. Also, he once told me "come on, it's not that bad not to be given attention" and then he started to laugh.
I might as well take a deep breath and get over it.
But how? I totally fail when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Apparently I fail to understand elementary things in a relationship. I can't draw a line between needs and cravings. And that's bad and I know it's none of his business, this is between myself and I... But yet again - HOW? I don't want to be "just another couple with issues"...
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 September 2010):
Ok, lots going on here, but please don't generalize all men based on this one. We aren't all like this guy.
What does he mean by the line "you aren't getting rid of me that easy?"
Very likely his way of saying he'll stay with you through anything. His round about way of saying he wants to work through things. However he has to actually DO the necessary things to work past problems which I don't see him doing.
Can we tell you how a man's brain functions?
Nope, I don't think we know. Men don't typically understand how women think either. Generally men are pretty simple. When a woman asks, "Are you hungry?" She gets upset when the guy says, "Nope." Because she wanted to have a discussion about if she was hungry too and where we should go eat, or what we should make for dinner. It's a difference in our communication styles that leads to many relationship problems. This of course is an example and not all people of both genders are like this, but you've probably witnessed it a couple of times.
Everyone is different. How one man thinks is different than how another one thinks. There are commonalities, but you can't generalize a statement to explain all men.
Why aren't men genuinely interested in women?
Again with the generalizations. Many of us are. Many of us also have trouble showing that interest in a way that is understandable to women. Once I started studying communication styles, I saw examples of these misunderstandings every day. He is interested, you just don't see him showing it. That being said, you've expressed to him that you want him to initiate these questions. Him not doing that is a different issue. He probably doesn't see why he should, but since it is important to you, he should still try. He's being lazy.
Why can't you just move on from this relationship?
Only you can answer this. To me, it sounds like you probably should. All you're talking about is negative. Maybe that's because you're upset at the moment, I don't know. Make sure to think it through if you decide to leave. Once broken up, you should stay that way.
Why do you still love him?
Because you do. It would be easier if we could choose when to turn love on and off and decide who we love. I'll always love some of my ex's but that doesn't mean we belong together. You can love someone and still not be right for eachother.
Are you doing something wrong?
Nope.
What can make it better?
Communication. Real communication. The problem I see is that he doesn't do real communication. You can't let him off the hook with the one word answers. You need to tell him that you realize that some of this stuff may seem trivial to him, but it means a lot to you. If he wants your relationship to work, he'll do these things. I suggest starting small. He asks you how your day was when you get home at least a few times a week.
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Hopefully these answers help. I would highly suggest you do some research into communication differences between men and women. I did a quick google search and came up with a couple of articles you may find useful.
http://www.simmalieberman.com/articles/maleandfemale.html
https://www.achievesolutions.net/achievesolutions/en/Content.do?contentId=10241
For what it's worth, Deborah Tannen is one of the leading researchers in this field and has written a number of books and has some videos out there too. I think you'll see your problem in a different light if you read into this a bit.
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