A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles.I guess I need some advice from strangers purely because everyone who knows me or my boyfriend seem to be giving their opinion based on how things were between us before.We have a four year old son, and he wasn't planned. We were 18, so I didn't get to go out and party or whatever like most girls my age. My boyfriend did though, and it caused a rift between us. He would go out every weekend and because we didn't live together, we still lived at home, he didn't have any rent to pay. He would give me some of his wages, which was about £40, then the rest he spent on his social life. I'm not complaining about the amount he gave me as he only worked part time while he was training and still in education, but when times were tight, as they are with newborns, he still went out or smoked weed or did whatever the hell he wanted.We stayed together until our son was 8 months and then we split up because I wasn't getting any support, emotionally or physically. He never wanted to be around us half the time. Anyway, a year or so ago, we started spending more time together and things became friendly again. We didn't start our relationship again, it just happened. People assumed we were back together and we didn't correct them. But know he has started going out all the time again and now I have rent to pay, child care and every other bill, I need the financial help more then ever. I work 32 hours a week, and with help from my family I get by but now my boyfriend wants to live with us, and I don't want him to think it's just a free ride. I feel bad because he is young and he wants to have fun and do the things his mates are doing but I can't do it either.My friends are convinced it won't work and I will just get hurt again, but his family are saying my son and I will calm him down, we just need to stick to it. My family dislike him anyway so their view is obvious.He has grown up though, he is a better dad and more loving to me. He does treat us well and has always paid for maintenance whenever he can. He helps me at times but not with bills or whatever, mainly because its my flat but my main worry is if I let him move in and he keeps this lifestyle that he won't be able to help me.Do I take a chance or just end things before I get hurt. He was my first proper love and relationship. I have only ever had him and the guy before him, so I'm not experienced with anything like this.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 November 2014):
I wrote a lengthy response to your question but for some reason it was not added, dont know why. Anyhow to summarise what I wrote, he needs to grow up and you deserve better. It is not on for him to be discarding his dirty at yours and to expect to contribute so little. He sounds like he is looking for a mother/maid figure and you already have a child to look after. You cant be expected to give him 100% attention all the time, surely he can see that you are just getting by while you build a better future for yourself?
All in all, you would be better off not living with him, but the posters here have given some great advice. Good luck x
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 October 2014):
 Well IF you even want to consider letting him move in, SET some rules.
1. let it be a 3 months trial period. That way if you after a month or two feel like it's NOT working out, you can ask him to move back out. Which means... He can't bring a lot of crap into the house.
2. make a budget decide how MUCH you think is fair that he pays. Since he is the Daddy I DO think going 50/50 or 40/60 (you are the 60) would be fair (except maybe for your phone/car/car insurance personal credit cards). My guess is it would add up to a LOT more than he is "contributing" with now.
3. Have rules for friends over (since you have a little one having people pop around like a revolving door isn't always the best, kids need consistency and some sort of structure and schedule). And having people crash on the couch is not an option either.
4. Chores. Make a list of chores and split them. You are NOT his mom, maid or housekeeper. So if he moves in, he needs to help out.
However I don't think you can dictate how often he goes out. BUT you can decide that he if just sleeps at your place, shares your "bed" and does NOTHING around the house so forth that MAYBE this is not going to work.
And for goodness sake BE/STAY on birth control. If he really hasn't grown up, this is NOT the time for another child.
Most of all BE sure he UNDERSTANDS the rules you set. AND DO NOT let him move in if you don't think you can "kick" him out if it doesn't work for YOU.
Is he working? If not... THEN do not do it or you will END up with someone taking you for a free ride.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 October 2014):
 Just think of the obvious benefits.... IF you let him move in with you.... you will have TWO children to tend to...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 You need a proper talk with him about your concerns, and tell him hiw it needs to be if this will work. Talk together as adults. This can be resolved, but you need to be clear about your expectations. So does he. Talk about the concerns, communicate.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 This is exactly why marraige is way better ofan idea than just 'kinda living together. The guy needs to grow up big time.When you are a man you pay your own way. You don't mooch of of others. Just because he's a dad does not give him part ownership of your home and income. Why not consult a lawyer to evaluate legal recourse? He's a bum and will not change over time. Your priority is your son and yourself not trying to fix him and his childish ways.
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