A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been in a relationship for 14 years. started dating him at the age of 17 him 27 now aged 31 and him 41. im confused. i cheated on him with a friend of ours. i have seen his facebook over the last couple of years with all porn sites and stuff. messages with hints of him cheating and him commenting in these sites and messages about how good looking these women are etc. we have a 9 year old son together he hasnt shown much affection lately and every time i try to suduce him he pushes me away. says hes tired i do understand he has a tough long job but i have a feeling that we are losing what we had. do you think hes cheating on facebook on me? with me cheating on him it was a mistake but is there a deep down meaning why i did it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): Okay I agree to a lesser extend with previous commenters. I would like to add that the stuff you saw was not acceptable either and you did deserve better. Of course the best course of action would have probably been to confront what you've seen/experienced with him earlier on, instead of taking the abuse and then cheating. You both have some ownership in this, but I think your concerns with his behaviors are valid too (completely unfair to deprive someone of affection and get it yourself on the side online). Just a slightly different perspective.
If you think it is workable, you will probably have to be up front about your behaviors and request honesty in return. If either one of you cannot be honest about this stuff, it may be time to move on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 October 2014):
 Yes to all that YouWish said.
OWN your actions, be they good or bad.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 October 2014):
 I agree 100% with Youwish. You cheated because you wanted to. There's no mystery about it. Unless a person has a loaded gun against their head, they aren't being forced to cheat. People make bad decisions or sometimes they just don't care but the bottom line is...how your boyfriend behaved is his business and you can't control him. You can however control what you do or do NOT do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): I've been through almost the same thing. I had talked with my ex about him looking at porn, having nude pictures and even talking to a stripper he met on one of his nights out. The big thing and the most consistent thing was the porn. I told him it bothered me and I felt like it was unfaithful of him especially if when he didn't stop. Yes I got drunk one night and cheated on him. It was the wrong way to cope with being in a crappy relationship but it was the choice I made. It caused a lot of grief that could have been avoided. We do funny things out of fear that tend to get us in more trouble. But I know how you feel and the discomfort that comes with being suspicious of your partner ( and with good reason). I suggest you talk to him. Unfortunately you made the choice you did but I'm sure it had to do with tensions in your relationship. You could talk to him, see what happens. I think it's always best to be honest. I hope the best for you. Everyone makes mistakes, what matters is if you decide to learn from them.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 October 2014):
 Let me make something extremely clear to you:
You cheated because you wanted to. You can never blame anyone else for you cheating. Yes, it takes two to make a relationship work, and both of you are equally responsible for the deterioration of your relationship. However, YOU cheating is your decision alone. You cannot blame him, you can't say he caused you to do it. You can't say that his behavior made you do it.
Let me put it to you this way: If he abused you, hit you, slapped you, kicked you, called you vile names, would you accept his explanation that YOU made him do it or you CAUSED him to get violent with you because of something you did?? NO! He made the choice, not you.
Likewise, you cheating is all about you alone. You could have left him. You could have been straight with him about the state of your relationship. You could have ended the relationship making you free to pursue a better relationship, just like a guy with an abuse problem getting anger management or walking away. But you didn't. You cheated...you made a bad situation worse, and two wrongs do not make a right.
The only hidden meaning your cheating means is that you want out of the relationship, yet chose the absolute wrong thing. Now, a relationship that could have been fixable is now destroyed. Time to end it, make provision for your son, and do it the right way.
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