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female
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anonymous
writes: I recently broke up with my fiance. It was over a stupid argument, but really it's about all of our arguments. I was looking for a way out and found one. All we do is fight, and even though I love him, I don't think it's good or healthy for either one of us. He isn't taking it well and says that we just have to try harder. But, we've tried so many times. We have different moral beliefs (ie. sex before marriage). We fight about money since I don't make that much. We fight over everything, and that's why I have given up. He says then I must not be that special to him which makes me feel so bad. I want it to work and we were in the process of starting counseling, but I just couldn't take it anymore. The relationship felt like emotional abuse and I just wasn't happy. I was never enough for him yet he still hangs on. In a way, I don't understand why he doesn't break up with me because he never seems happy with me. He says he is happy with me. But then it comes down to respect, which I feel he doesn't respect me. He wants to just separate and thinks that it will work. But I know it can't. What should I do? How do I help him let go?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (13 October 2007):
 You know, if you would have given those details, instead of just given the petty things. I wouldn't have attempted to give information to save.
When you say emotional abuse. Some people consider that "he disagreed with my side so he's abusing me" Instead of recognizing disagreement is OK.
After reading this, I'm glad you found the strength to get out of an abusive situation, and to a safe place.
If he talks to you again. Tell him to get some counseling, and to start without you.
Do yourself a favor as well. You may need to see someone too, just to make sure you've sorted out the pain of these controlling issues and that you're not carrying so many red flags that future relationships will be damaged or possibly destroyed. I have always been a strong person. Fifteen years ago I was on lists to be a fill in motivational speaker, and corporate trainer. I thought there would be no way being around my ex who was very mentally abusive, due to a personality disorder, could affect me with my positive past, until I spent 6 months almost bed rest with Major Depressive Disorder.
Take care, and stay safe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not backing out of the decision I made to leave him. Even though some of our arguments were petty, violence was almost always involved, and I could only tolerate so much. That's what I meant by I felt that he was emotionally abusing me. He would keep me up all night because I wasn't hungry and didn't eat what he cooked. He would take my keys and block the driveway if we had a dispute and I was about to go out with my friends. If I accidently burnt his food he would yell at me saying I didn't make him a priority. He would lock me out of the house in dangerous positions where I had no where else to go. He would stare at other women and said I had to put up with it. He would get angry when I didn't smoke or drink or have sex with him, or let him drive my car. These are only some incidents, and by writing this I am realizing that I don't need to ask questions on here as to whether or not I should stay with him any longer. The answer is so blatantly clear! But, thank you to all who helped me see the light! I am free!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 October 2007):
You feel bad because of his comment, he feels bad because you won't give counseling a chance. I know it was offered before, but you have to understand (1) men have a more difficult time discussing what's bothering them (2) when women make an offer, and it's not taken right away, men see that the offer doesn't have an expiration date.
Reading your story, I saw potential. You say you love him, and he's ready for counseling.
Your arguments you said were petty. It's not the arguments that split people up, it's their inability to listen and develop a solution. People are predictable when it comes to communication. I knew when I replied to your question that the way I worded it, if you did love him, would have the response of you asking for more. Just as arguments, always have a negative result.
If you were to work it out, you would have to learn simple communication skills. You also need to learn that stress will be there, weather you're together or not. Bill don't stop because a relationship does. The main thing I saw was simple inexperience. You both were allowing life to control you, instead of taking control of life. It's easy to do that and get overwhelmed with everything that goes on. You guys let life attach its self to your relationship, and the stress with it. I do think it could work, but that's only an opinion. The decision is up to the both of you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, superdopah  +, writes (12 October 2007):
i was in this situation myself recently but i was in you ex perspective, and if it really is over with him don't give him any false hope whatsoever, don't doubt your decision for a moment when you're in front of him. and remember although you might feel terrible for him being upset its better ending it this way on good terms with no other parties involved. that in its self shows you care for him and respect him. do not give in stay strong. and if you guys want to remain friends leave it a while as staight after it is still very raw. good luck i hope everything works out for you. x
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male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (12 October 2007):
After you split he shouls start feeling better without the argument. Maybe you cnan then talk to him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): From my own experience, on both sides of your situation... I think that maybe he is just not ready or is afraid to be alone. He may be feeling the same way that you are right now, he just is in denial about the entire situation. The important thing though, is that you follow your own instincts and do what is best for yourself.
I think that it's a bit strange that in order for your relationship to work, you've got to separate. It seems like such an illogical thing to do if you're trying to mend and strengthen a relationship.
And by the way.. A word of advice: Don't EVER let another person control or determine your happiness, worth, or fate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I don't know that it can't work, I just know that I suggested counseling a long time ago, but he never responded. Now he is responding but it is too late. I don't want to be with him anymore. But since you said it might work, what did you mean? Please, I would like to hear all sides.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 October 2007):
So you began the counseling, then gave up? So my question is if you're having a heart attack and start going to the hospital and change your mind, what are your chances of making it.
I would like to know why you "know" it can't work? Don't you just love the "fight or flight" mechanism our brains supply us with. Your right though, you've convinced yourself it "can't" work. I guess you're right, it won't.
I won't tell you how this could work, because you didn't ask. I'll answer the question you did ask. You'll have to send him a message. Just say "sorry, i just don't want to be with you any more. Any more contact about this will result in pressing harassment charges and getting a restraining order issued."
Because of his love for you, the only way to get the point across is to sever ALL contact.
I hope this helps, take care.
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