A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ive been with my bf 19 months now and things have been great but all of a sudden afta spending about 4 days a week together it dropped to once because of his uni work load, so we talked about it and decided that once a week is good if thats all he can handle. it has been 3 weeks since and usually we talk every night on the net and every now n again by sms but i havent heard from him in 2 days...he is usually ALAWYS online but hasnt been the past 2 days he doesnt reply to my messages when i say goodnight (altho he only did on the odd occasion) and im finding it hard to deal with.i know he needs his time so that he can get good marks in uni and i want to give him space so that he can do well and i undestand that but i just dont see why he cant take 2 mins to send me a message or give me a quick call just to see how im goingi miss him...and i m trying really hard to deal with it but its getting to me?any ideas on how to cope better?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 OK after 19 months you should know one another really well by now.
I appreciate the fact that everyone has given you advice and all of it is valid. I think the fact is do YOU feel that things are different apart from the fact that he needs to study?
Does he talk about his future and the fact that he needs to do well in his exams to succeed so that you can have a better future together or does he talk in terms of HIS future only?
Yes 4 times a week to once a week is a big change for you and this needs to be explained to him when you see him face to face, explain to him that you understand the fact that he needs to study and as his girlfriend you want to support him 100% but you just need to know the truth once and for all, does he want to remain in this relationship with you or not?
You are getting mixed signals from being around one another so much to hardly anything now and you want to know if he is looking to end the relationship or not.
Texting can be difficult sometimes so either an email or something each day if he works on his computer every day to do coursework etc is not difficult to do and this would not interrupt his studies, this way you can let each other know how you are doing and even if it is a Hi and a picture of yourself sent to him once a week that would be good but a hello each day and this could be a goodnight included so that it is at a certain time each day would be good as you then know he still has you in his thoughts but you are not interrupting his studies.
Being a 100% boyfriend can be difficult if you need to concentrate on your work at UNI so do consider this as well.
Just ask him for the truth and see where you go from there as it is only fair to both of you to know where you stand.
If even after he tells you one way or the other, if he is busy with work and you cannot take the lack of contact then you need to think about how much he means to you as it may be a case that your needs are greater than what he can give right now.
Keep us updated eh! All of us are here for you btw.
Take care.
BFN
Country Woman
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): It sounds like you need confirmation. the next time you get together, ask if he could at least send a txt say good night, that your going to need a little extra time getting over the fact you only see and hear from each once a week.
I can see talking on the phone may interrupt his studies, so txt'g would be better, more if he feels he has extra time. I recall school, and if you don't keep up with the classes, there will be a point you might be better off dropping the class and retaking it next semester. Of course, this wouldn't be good.
Communication is very important, he should understand that you have needs (keep them as limited as possible), but the most important, ask if he could do them for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): It sounds like this guy isn't interested in having a relationship with you anymore. If he still wanted to be with you then he'd be physically with you whenever possible and try his best to communicate with you. It sounds like he's trying to slowly break it off, ya know, hoping you'll catch the hint.
He's ignoring your messages, rarely seeing you, and not tending to your emotional needs. As painful as it seems, it's time to move on. He might even be involved with another girl. You need to set this man down and have him tell you honestly what his situation is. He probably wants to break up or at least take some time apart. He owes you the respect of being honest with you, rather than play this game with you emotions. I know break-ups hurt, but you'll find a guy who actually cares enough about you to reply to your messages.
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (8 May 2008):
Hi darling, I understand where you are coming from. Yes your bf's studies are important and you understand that he needs alot of time to study etc. You are right in thinking why cant he spend just 2 mins to send a text message each day???? That will not effect his studies.
I get the feeling that maybe your bf is having doubts about your relationsihp. Maybe he thinks he cant handle a relationship at all, so hes cutting all contact, to hope you get the hint??? I dont know really, but you should talk to him about it.
I dont think this is a situation you should put up with or 'deal' or 'cope' with....him ignoring your messages isnt right. And him being too slack to send a message here and there that will take probably 1 minute isnt good either.
So get in contact with him, tell him you want to talk, face to face. Arrange a time to see him. Maybe in your once a week hang out session. Then just gently remind him that you send a few texts but got no reply. Tell him you are wondering why. Dont accuse him of ignoring you cause he could happen to have some legit excuse. Then see waht he says...then tell him that you understand he is very focused on his study and you want him to succeed at them too. Tell him that since you guys dont see each other each day, it would be nice to have a message from him each day to see how hes going and so you can tell him how you are going. Ask him if thats too much to ask for. If he thinks he can do that then maybe he is still in this relationship. If he seems hesitant, I would take it as a sign that hewants out.
Hope you work it out! Remember you deserve to have your needs met in any relationsihp. Communicate what you want, and find out what your partner wants too.
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