A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I have a pretty long story but I would like some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost nine months. A few weeks ago he said that he didn't really feel like he had feelings for me anymore but that he would try to get them back. He broke up with me the other night and said that he loved me and cared about me but that he wasnt in love with me and that mainly he just didn't feel liike he needed to be in a relationship with anyone right now and focus on himself. He said he really wanted us to be good friends and kind of start off fresh and see where it got us. We're both Christian people and we've both been praying about this situation and I really feel like that at some point we will be together again in God's timing... that he took my boyfriends feelings away for now because he's not in the place he needs to be for a relationship and when he is we can be together again. I told him this when we met up last night and he said he agreed... and that he definitely saw me in his future one way or another because we get along so well and he really wanted to stay my close friend. We do have plans to hang out and see each other, and to still text and talk on the phone. Its hard for me but I feel like its one thing I really need to do, because he's been going through a lot and needs a friend right now. I mostly just need advice on what to do as his friend right now to first of all, not seem overbearing and still act like a girlfriend when he doesnt need that, and secondly what to do to get him to a potential place of having those feelings for me again. Nothing bad has happened between us that would cause him to lose feelings, and I honestly think that part of it is just because we got caught up in the routine of a relationship like many people do. Please help?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 December 2010):
 I hope everything works out for both of you. God bless, and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do believe to put God in charge of all parts of life... and I also believe that God can give and take away feelings... we can't help what we feel sometimes but if certain feelings come at a time when they arent the best for us I do believe that god can take them away and that he did this for my boyfriend. The more I pray the more I feel a peace that we really will be together again, and he says that without a doubt we are in each others future in some way because of the fact that we just get along so well and have had an almost perfect relationship. Yes, we did skip from being friends to a relationship... we actually only had one real date before we were together lol. So I do agree with you whoever talked about 'grey' area.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 With all due respect and no hint of sarcasm, I think you
don't need to put God in charge of your dating life, you can do it on your own, but if you do, - then don't interfere.
The concept of " Let go and let God " is precisely that of trusting that all will be exactly as it is supposed to be, so no scheming, conniving , engineering a particular strategy or pushing for a particular result. If you trust, you trust.
If you don't , and feel you have to DO something specific in this situation, we have a real dilemma.
Because , other than being a good friend and giving him your company , support, etc.when required, patiently waiting for him to find back his old feelings for you, - I don't see what else you can do. It's a waiting game and it requires nerves of steel- because you instead still have more than friendly feelings for him.
But, it's not sure that this waiting game will bring you to victory ,his feelings may not come back. How long are you gonna wait ? 6 months, one year, more ? before you give up ?. You will have wasted time, and what 's worse the more you wait and do the hang out buddy thing, the least you'll be able and motivated to detach yourself emotionally and move on. In fact, you will find it extremely painful and that's exactly the reason why many people choose NOT to stay friends with their exes even if the break was totally amicable.
It's a gamble and only you can know how much it's worth to you.
IMO, frankly I think that if he lost his feelings after just a few months it was because these feelings were not so strong to begin with.
You blame it on the routine of a relationship- aha! wait till you are 10 or 15 years married, the children,
the bills to pay, the meals to cook, waking every morning in the same bed with the same ,often grumpy , face beside you.... now, that's routine.
In the first few months, everything is supposed to be new and exciting and special even if you are just queuing together at the supermaket. You don't need to come up with ideas to make it fresh and exciting, it just it is that way.
The truth is that even serious minded young Christians may take infatuation or attraction for " love " - and feel intense feelings that though have no staying power.
I cannot be sure this is your case, but giving it a thought it would not hurt....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): ~NICE QUESTION~
I find the timing and substance of your question ironic, as it is a topic that I am currently trying to better understand.
I have minimal relationship experience and so really never knew the dynamics of dating.
In my eyes there were only two extreme alternatives...platonic friendship and relationship, hence black and white. Furthermore, I equated dating with relationship, not realizing that dating was more or less the gray matter in between the black and white.
I've also come to learn that with each category ((black, gray, and white)) there are sub levels of friendship, each of which must be advanced to progress to the next...AND it is with such gradual advancement that two individuals can potentially grow into romantic significant others.
This is what I'm thinking as of today.
Now with this said, I really do not know the history of how your boyfriend's relationship came to be. However, if it did progress naturally, then I question his true reason(s) for wanting to terminate the relationship and remain friends. I would think perhaps he quietly held that the relationship had run its course ((naturally of course)) and somehow along the way love faded for him...I don't know.
On the other hand, if your and his relationship went directly from friendship to relationship, hence skipping the grey, then it didn't progress naturally...as the friendship levels which lie in the grey area which exemplify and bond two individuals as to advance them to the relationship level was completely skipped, making for a weak relationship lacking substance. I'm suspecting this is the case with your boyfriend's and your relationship.
I say this, as I'm now thinking that this is what happened to my recent relationship and why it turned so horribly wrong for the both of us...hmmm??? It seems to be validating certain behavior on the part of my ex???
If I'm correct, then I agree with your boyfriend. Perhaps you two should start from the beginning.
I'm still trying to learn and understand the whole dating concept.
I don't know if you two have been sexually intimate, and if you have I would think that you would refrain since you would be starting fresh ((stage ))...I have no clue, as that too is a bit confusing...I always thought sex didn't happen until you committed to a relationship...but hell some say when you're just friends...others say when you're dating...
It's so damn confusing.
I know I have went off on a tangent...but I'm hoping that I have helped in some way.
I hope all turns out well.
God Bless~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): you will have to cool down for now, dont rush into anything just act the normal friend that he wants with time if you guys are meant to be you'll start all over just make sure you dont push it because in the end you'll regret it.....when he needs you be there for him support him like a normal friend, try not to pay excess attention to what he does, avoid body contact as much as you can so you dont get him thinking about times you guys spent together before. It cant be that hard
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 December 2010):
Let me ask you this. You said you feel as if God was involved here, and that it's in His timing that you two reconnect. So why ask how to get his feelings for you back? Wouldn't that be trying to take God's timing away, and try to intervene with your desire? Just a thought.
Although, I agree that God has often had timing in different forms with different people meeting, or in relationships, I believe in your situation, his gong through a lot lately has something to do with this. Often we disconnect from people we're close to when we become overwhelmed with everything else that is going on. This isn't often done on purpose, and I believe quite often is the opposite of what we should do. When times are tough and we go through "hell" (no religions implication there) we need those who are close to us for support and a shoulder, but for some reason we often disconnect and push them away. I don't know why this is, but I've seen it happen over and over again. This can change feelings if ones mind doesn't see balancing what's going on, and maintaining love or relationships. Depending on what has happened can determine if his disconnect is a reflection of how he sees himself, or if it's done by some other cause.
What I recommend is that you be his friend. No one can tell you how to or what to do as his friend, other than to be there. Now, taking it from your direction of divine interference. If so, there is nothing that you can do that will be outside of His divine plan. If you are ment to be together, it will happen in His time, no matter what you do today or up until that time. I've worked with many who I believe there has been a divine presence guiding their being together. I will say, often it's when it's least expected. You may not see it as being the right time, but if it's the divine time, it becomes the right time.
I hope this helps, and good luck to the both of you.
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