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male
age
41-50,
*ikeyspikey
writes: Hi,I need some advice on how to deal with my partner, he basically expects me to stay in every night, and every day with him, and every time i enjoy any time apart from him, say drinks with work colleagues, a huge row ensues. I have tried reasoning with him, however i can't seem to do this.How can I best approach the subject? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, xNatx +, writes (31 December 2006):
 hey again, well like i said last time talk to him, every relationship needs communication, tell him how you feel and that he cant not trust you because of past relationships. If you havent got anything planned for tonight go out for a meal and talk to him and how about both getting some mates together and all going to he same pub but you two dont talk to each other while your there because that will make him realise that at the end of the night its him you will be going home with. you can still enjoy time with your mates as can he and it will make him feel beter and might stop the arguments, but dont take him with you every time you go out as it might start to make you think that hes watching over you and checking up. Hope this helps xxx
A
male
reader, mikeyspikey +, writes (30 December 2006):
mikeyspikey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, I would like to thank you all for you wicked advice! One note you all touched on, was the trust / insecurities. He does suffer from this, a lot. Which I do not understand why he has these feelings, I have never given him any reason to doubt me, I would never cheat on him, he's the most special man I have ever met. And I have to say, i've never quite loved someone as much as I do him, at the age of 30, I really do think I have found THE ONE. It just hurts when he gives me a hard time for going on a rare night out with my friends. I rarely go out with friends, as I love spending time with him. He has had two awful realtionships prior to me, so I can understand a little why he is the way he is?! I just don't know how I can turn this around? I don't want to end it with him, as I really see a lot of potential in our relationship. How do you make someone stop punishing you for their past experiences? It's very frustrating, and at time I feel like I cannot do anything right? Hence why I am now spending time with friends as things got too intense. I thank you in advance for your advice. I hope you all had a very merry xmas, and that your new year is a fantastic one. :0)
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 The most important thing is this, DO NOT tell him you need time away from HIM !! Although it may be true, to say it that way is not going to make it easier on either of you. You have to let him know he's important to you. If he feels this, he should be confident in your relationship and have no reason to doubt you. For example, if you were to never put any effort into looking good for your partner but took two hours getting ready to go out with strangers, he might resent it. He might be jealous that you're preparing yourself to look good for others but can't be bothered for him. This can happen as reltaionships mature or grow mundane.
The reality is this, in relationships we share many things. We also have our personal experiences. If we build too much of our self worth on our partners, it's not healthy. It takes away from our sense of self.
It's possible your guy has some trust/insecurity issues. Unless there is something going on beneath the surface, such as a guy at work you're overly friendly with etc, you should be able to go for a drink with the group. Why not? There is no good reason why you shouldn't.
Some people are just jealous and insecure. I had an episode of this once in my life. Others are that way all the time. Some people will not tolerate their partners socializing with a member of the opposite sex, no matter how innocent it is. Many times, the insecure person feels this way because of their own issues. Other times, as I said earlier, it's because they feel neglected and can't stand to see you enjoy time away from them. they take it personally.
IF your guy is truly controlling/jealous and unable to handle you being away from him, it's a bad situation and will only get worse. The more times you give in to him, the more you justify his behaviour. Each time you give in, he feels he's taught you a lesson. Each time you give in, you resent him a little more. Over time he will rob you of your life because he knows best and it's for your own good. You won't fall to temptation. The opposite is true. AS the resentment grows, others will look more appealing and your partners worst nightmares come true.
You're already asking for help on this site. This means it's bothering you. Perhaps, if he's not willing to deal with this, some time away from him will serve as a wake up call. He will see what he's missing.
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A
female
reader, xNatx +, writes (30 December 2006):
Hey, your not the only person with these worries. Sit and talk to him tell him exactly how you feel and that its not going to change anything between the two of you, but that it might if you are together all the time and maybe arrange a day or a few days a week (however much time you think you need) to spend on your own or with some friends, but if your worried about what he might say or how he might react (I know it sounds nasty) but send a text, email or ring him and say the same thing. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (30 December 2006):
 Hi Mikeyspikey,
Believe me u are not alone on this. It happens alot in relationships. Try telling him that sometimes u just need your space to spend some quality time alone with friends. Make him realise that it has nothing to do with your feelings for him. he has to understand that sometimes you want to make time for your friends as well as colleagues.
Perhaps he has trust issue if that is the case u have to continue to reassure him.
Hope this helped. goodluck and happy new yr!
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (30 December 2006):
 just tell him that you like youre own space from time to time. and that you love spending lots of time with him too. just that u need some personal space from time to time as all women and some men do xx
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