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female
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anonymous
writes: my boyfriend wants me to move in with him i am 42 and he 48 we are happy together but i dont understand why i am feelinf scared plz help me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pica +, writes (26 October 2006):
You're feeling scared because it would be a major change in your life. You're feeling scared because it potentially changes the future you have anticipated. Do you know what he expects from the relationship and what might change if you live together? Are you giving up more than him? How will the finances work? Can you get a new place together rather than move into his - it might always seem like "his place". You can always say not yet, but move in sometime in the future. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): Well go ahead and listen to "confused in kent" I don't mind, this isn't a competition for the aunts after all, but why would you want to do this for a "learning experience" as she suggests....so you want to make a mistake so you can learn from it, that is a novel idea!
Just ask yourself what it is you want out of this relationship, if it is living together without the future committment of marriage and you like sharing your stuff with a roommate that you sleep with then go for it.
But if you want the man to be psycholgically motivated to ask you to marry him, then moving in with him is not the way to go about it according to the psychogical community that I am quoting the statistics from. I am not a woman scorned, I have never lived with someone, I have always kept my own apartment or place...I have spent many a night at a boyfriends house, but never combined my life with any man until I became married and have been married for the last 22 years.
I am betting confused is a bit less experienced and a whole lot younger with an attitude of "cool he asked you to move in!" I am just saying listen to your instincts they are telling you something, you are not scared of change, you love the guy, you just have issues with living together, so why do it because he asked you to, you aren't kids, you are in your 40's, something in your gut is telling you not to do it, listen to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): I think he wants to spend more time around you and he obviously loves you, but if you think that is'nt the case then dont move in with him.
We only learn things from our experiences, if you did'nt do anything because you were scared surely you wouldnt get much done?.
Dont listen to "rythmandblues2" she sound like a woman scorned!. although I'm sure she does have a perfectly valid point. she does sound a bit scary!.So ifyou feel scared talk it through with him and try to find out why, I'm sure you will discover its just the fear of change.
Hope it all goes well.
XX
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): I am of the opinion that living together is NOT a good idea unless you are engaged and it is only a month or two before the wedding...Why is he suggesting you live together, as a trial marriage, or a convenience or a matter of money? Statistics show that about 92% of living together arrangements that end in marriage ultimately end in divorce, there is something about living together that causes future problems with a marriage. I suspect it has something to do with a balance of power. Men who want to live together without marriage are the ones with all the power, you have given it away by becoming his psuedo wife, think about it, what are you getting out of this deal?
Make him give you a committment of marriage before you even think about it...otherwise he can drag this out for years, do you want to be off the market for a psuedo committment? Why should you be just for love? Not fair to you I say...trust your instincts, they are always right on.
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