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female
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*elisuk
writes: God, I really do feel stupid asking this, but I need to get it out of my head somehow.I met this bloke about 2 months ago on a night out and it was like instant attraction. It had been a while since I had met anyone that I felt like that about so soon. The last boyfriend treated me like dirt (ran off with my best mate), so it was difficult to trust anyone again. Things were going well; lots of fun. Then he had some problems with the police and having to move out of his shared house. Things seemed so stacked against us ever getting anywhere, but it felt so right so I stuck with it.out of the blue he asked me to move in with him, which is great. Yes, a bit fast but everything felt so right and i want to spend time with himThen he seemed to get a bit funny with me, distant and not all that interested, not making any effort and it felt so one sided. So i thought the whole moving in thing was off so thought nothing else of it. planned to move in somewhere else. but he's found a house miles from where i live and work and have commitments and asked me when i was mvoing in. I can still get to work, but it where it will mean a short ride to work for him, it will take me about 2 hours to get to and from work.I really dont know what to do. I really do care a lot about him, but it seems i am making all the sacrifices and putting myself out to get hurt all over again. I want to give up this whole 'dont want to get hurt' thing, but im scared if i do then i leave myself open to getting walked all over, and he hasn't given me anything to trust him. I want to move in, but am i giving too much. Will he think im a walk over if i agree? I dont want to hurt his feeling if i say i dont want to move in, but if i dont say anything what happens when he wants to move futher and its too late?Had a plan of saying i would move in for a week and see how it goes? Good idea?Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (25 August 2005):
Personally, I wouldn't even consider moving in with this guy yet. You have known each other for only two months, and you admit yourself that his track record isn't exactly shining. There are a number of warning signs too- trouble with the police, and his suddenly upping sticks and leaving is not usual behaviour!
From my own experience, I briefly dated a guy who, like yours, (Perhaps it's the same man?!) was apparently wonderful, warm and loving, but he always pressurised me to make a commitment, to move in with him or get engaged after only a month or so. He asked if he could move into mine after three months and I refused on the grounds that I didn't know him well enough. Eventually he left me to move back in with his ex, neglected to mention this to me, and did a runner owing debts of thousands of pounds and unpaid rent.
Whilst I understand that mine is an extreme situation, please consider exactly what your boyfriend's motives are behind his asking you to move in. Why the need to make a greater commitment after such a short period of time? At this stage in the relationship you should be dating, enjoying each other's company and getting to know each other. A caring relationship takes compromise, trust and honesty. If you feel that you are being asked to make all the sacrifices then you will begin to resent him.
You seem to like this guy, but I think that he needs to prove his genuity and worth before you make a greater commitment. Perhaps you can come to an arrangement where you go to his one night, and he makes the effort to come and see you on another. Doing this will not only prevent you from making a commitment that it is difficult to get out of, but will also allow him to prove his worth.
The most important factor is not to allow yourself to be pressurised into anything you are not ready for. He needs to work to gain your trust, and if he is special and a caring guy he will wait for you to decide when it is the right time to make a deeper commitment.
Good luck
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