A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 13 years (married 8 years) and at first was very happy. He is a good man, with good values, but lets me do everything around the house and with the children while he pursues his rugby and associated social events. I have had horses all my life and have a horse now who I adore as it is my only 'me' time but I have to fit it in around the children or they have to come with me which isn't ideal while he just go's to rugby regardless of what me or kids are doing. We have the odd 'family' day which I enjoy but as far as being a couple, we havent been for years. Our sex life is non existent and apart from going to friends events as a couple thats about it. However, I got into a lot of debt without telling my husband (stupid I know)but partly I think spending money on me made me feel better, we are both on good money and I thought I could manage it but it got out of control and he recently found out which Im glad about as it meant I no longer had to hide it but understandibly wanted a divorce, he also demanded the horse be sold to pay off some of the debt. I was left a large inheritance so have the money to clear the debt, but he says the horse still has to go to show I've changed and teach me a lesson as some of the debt was for the horse, however I tried to give up for 3 weeks and apart from the kids felt there was nothing left in my life. we agreed to try again but nothing has changed, he won't give up his rugby, we are the same as we were before, there is no intimacy, not even a hug, he helps put the kids to bed but only because the rugby season has finished, when it starts again he'll be out training from teatime till bedtime and I'll be back at work by then (on maternity leave at mo)and probably doing all the housework as well. I dont know how to fix this marriage as everytime I try to broach the subject he flips and throws the debt issue back at me which I accept has broken his trust and hurt him deeply and was wrong, but he does not want to accept that there are other issues, especially that I have been unhappy for so long. I know i should not have lied to him, but I cannot turn back the clock I don't want to break the family up but he is basically saying its the Horse or divorce. He has taken control of the finances and will only give me money for what he deems is ok (I work fulltime too).I am prepared to sell my beloved horse but what if I give up what is essentially my life only to get a further 6 months down the line having to obey everything he says and wants me to do. What should I do?
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female
reader, raiders  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 The only fair thing to do is give up the horse, right after he gives up rugby off course. Try counseling but don't let yourself be a pushover.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
 You and your husband need to go to counselling.. a lot of anger and resentment has built up over the years. If you sell the horse or don't sell the horse, someone will still be upset.. Ask him to go to counselling with you, where you'll have an independant person there who will referee whilst you two talk.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 I think it is best of you do like you suggested give the horse on loan for about 6- 12 months. It is your horse. You paid for it first off all with your money. He has no more right to take it away than you have the right to take his rugby away. One thing that he controls how much money is used, but it is not fair that you are "punished" more outside of that. Now if you can't afford it that is one thing, but from what you say this isn't about what you can afford and not. Also, if I may add, if the case was that you couldn't really afford it, I think it is odd that he'd not volunteer to work on a compromise.
Put the horse on loan perhaps and then see what happens? At least then you have shown the willingness to compromise, and you said you are also willing to sell the horse, but you don't know if that would change anything. However, you never know. And you'll never know if it would change anything unless you actually sell the horse. The resentment you build up I believe you can chose to keep under control. You are not kids after all, he isn't stealing your toy on the playground.
And changes take time. They can take a long time. Try to approach your husband from a different angle on this matter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies. He was playing rugby when I met him and I was riding when I met him but had sold my horse because the horse was to big and strong for me after a while i was lucky enough to be given a horse frm the riding school. there wasnt as much of an issue when we had no kids, it all started when we had our first baby. I changed what i did with the horse ie. stopped riding as much and only went to the horse after seeing to the baby first and whilst she was in bed, he carried on as normal with the training & playing and then what started to happen was when i wanted to ride the horse, he would say it was family day and complained. Also, he has gone on a lads snowboarding holiday for the last 3 years and went to Dubai fro a week in November last year playing rugby, so that alone adds upto what I spend on the horse in a year. We used to have our own money which is what I used to pay for the horse and him the rugby but since the debt he controls all the money (which I can understand). I tried suggesting the horse go on loan for 6-12 months while we sort ourselves out, but he refused flatly. I am prepared to sell the horse IF I thought things would be different after, but I know they wont, as after agreeing to try again, we've just fallen back into our everyday lives....if I sell the horse the horse, I fear I will resent him so much for making me sell him that we'll split anyway. So its a catch 22. He resents me if I keep him - I resent him if I sell him. His Mother & Father are exactly the same, she did everything around the house whilst working & raising 3 kids and still does now when they are retired, so some of my husbands attitude towards me comes from his parents behaviour Im sure. What a mess....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
Exactly chigirl... I think marriage counselling would help this couple lots
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 June 2010):
Original poster said "horses have been a part of my life since I was 2", "Dont know when it happened, but he started to resent the time I spent with the horse more when we had kids, moaned about the cost & time constanatly, yet he started to play & coach more rugby" According to this the horse came first. Then he complained. Then came kids. Then he complained more. Then he went out for rugby more and more and more...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
Which came first, the horse or the rugby?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 June 2010):
Another thing: "Dont know when it happened, but he started to resent the time I spent with the horse more when we had kids, moaned about the cost & time constanatly, yet he started to play & coach more rugby, last year and uptill April this year he was out every night and every weekend"
Typically, when one part uses a lot of time on something, the other feels left out. He moaned about the horse all along, and you didn't budge. Then he started going out more. Well, he had a lot of time on his hands while you were occupied with the horse perhaps? So he started playing more and more, to get away from you and the horse? I say this because I had a boyfriend once who was addicted to gaming. He was at his computer all day, all night. After quite some time living together with him and his addiction, I was lonely. I was bored. I went out more on my own, since he never wanted to come with. And soon I started going online myself, just to be occupied. He then later came to me and complained about how I was always busy when he wanted to hang out, how I was always online. I just looked at him and said "well you drove me here". And why would he think that I should be available the few times he was?
What Im saying is, could it be you used so much time on the horse that you drove him away? And then when you had kids you had even less time for him? This isn't only about the horse for him either.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 June 2010):
While you raise a lot of valid points, I will focus a little on some of what you say for a moment. Often when you write you say "I do this, but he does that". I just want to point out that his expenses do not justify yours. It is not about tit for tat. If he has an expensive habit that your economy can not afford, you getting another expensive habit to top it off doesnt make it better.
Have you had the horse for long? Have you calculated out the estimated costs for having a horse for one year? I find it hard to believe that a tv-channel (Im guessing that is what Sky TV is) is more expensive than a horse. Now, this might be me being a stuck up prat, but when people raise arguments like you do I find it hard to take them seriously. No offense to you, but if your husband is like me that might be why he refuses to listen to common sense.
Of course, if you actually can afford this horse, keep it. And yes, he needs to step up and do his work around the house as well, when you get back to work. 50/50 all the way. Are you using your personal money for the horse? Then you are free to do as you wish. Is he using his personal money on the rugby? Then he is free as well. If, however, you use money from a joint account, what is fair is 50/50 once again. So maybe calculate the costs and present him with the result, as well as a budget.
For the time problem, Im still all for 50/50 for as long as it is possible, he should take care of the kids just as much as you do. However, within what is reasonable. Now when you are off from work you will naturally have to take care of the kids and house a lot more than him. And if it just so happens that he works more hours than you and he's not physically able to spend as many hours with the kids as you can, that goes without saying too. So, within what is reasonable.
But, like I stated in the first post, if he's got his mind obsessed about the horse and refuses to listen, and refuses to have a debate around this... It might be that you should look into some arrangements for the horse to be somewhere else while you get this sorted out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): So you don't get any free time but he gets his. What a prick. Tell him to grow up, explain that he has more free time than you, and that the only time you get to yourself is when you've finished around the house. Tell
him, okay that's fine but were going to swap roles for a week or two, make him do ALL the house work.
Stick up for yourself, no one should treat their partner like that
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno the horse isnt the reason i got in debt, my inability to control what I spent is the reason I got in debt and it then spiralled out of control with interest and such like. the horse is expensive, but then so is Sky TV (for the rugby channels) and his nights out with the rugby lads. I work Fulltime normally but am on maternity leave at present and yes nothing changes when i am at work all day, i do the dropping off & picking up the kids, cook dinner & washup and then bath & put the kids to bed - then go do my horse, when he gets in from rugby training. I have good work friends but belive me, I dont see returning to work as getting my life back? Im only on Maternity leave and have only been off 4 months, so no, not bored yet. I love being off with the kids & if i was to be a stay at home Mum then yes I would see that as my job and the housework/kids would be part of it. The horse is fun, but horses have been a part of my life since I was 2, so its difficult to just 'find' another hobby. Its about the bond with the horse and buzz I get from riding that I enjoy and for me its my 'time out' that I need but have to fight for every day......
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 June 2010):
Dear OP, just to clearify I did not see your latest update before I posted, and my post was only related to what you stated in the original question.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 June 2010):
Sell the horse. Selling the horse does not mean you are giving up your life of your "only me" time. A horse is very expensive, and is the reason you landed in debt in the first place. Your husband is likely associating the debt and lying to the horse, and it is building up resentment. He is unwilling to compromise on this, and I don't see how a horse is worth more than your family.
Once you start with the work again, you will be having a life of your own aside from kids and home. My guess is that you are bored and the horse was fun. When you start work again you will be occupied. I also wonder, if you say you do all the housework and work with the kids, what happens once you start work again? Someone else would have to handle the kids right? I don't see how you can complain about having to deal with the household while you are a stay at home mum. And then when you start to work again, you will not be in charge off all the housework, or will you? What is the arrangement around that?
If you feel there is nothing left in your life, I doubt the answer is a horse. I get that you love horses. But this horse has now been the focus of a lot of negativity. Get yourself another pet, that doesn't cost as much, and that maybe the entire family can enjoy, like a dog. Then you can use the "me" time on walks. Or find another hobby. As far as I understood, your husband is not asking you to not have "only me" time, he is asking you to get rid of a horse that has been the cause of many arguments, debt, and lying.
After that, if you wish to discuss with him your unhappiness, go for it. But I say that right now you wont get anywhere with arguing, not as long as there is a horse between you and your husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your replies. I know what I should do I just don't know if i can go it alone with 2 small children (one only 4 months). Yes I know I shouldnt have got into debt, but hindsight is a great thing and I was probably selfish then, I guess alot of it is that I was fortunate as a child as my Dad ran a good business and so bought me and my brother things, we never wanted for anything but I also think it never really taught me the value of money or indeed how to manage it and so if my husband p***ed me off or said no i went and bought it anyway and yes there must have been something wrong for me to do that in the first place, I was being selfish and childish then, I had sought the advice of debt management firms so was trying to put it right and then my Mum died, she left me and my brother a large inheritance which I used to build an extension on the house and redecorate, and still have money left which have told my OH I will clear debt with, however he said I should stop relying on my Dads money and sell my horse as I got us into this mess..... Dont know when it happened, but he started to resent the time I spent with the horse more when we had kids, moaned about the cost & time constanatly, yet he started to play & coach more rugby, last year and uptill April this year he was out every night and every weekend. Anyhow, he's said its the horse or divorce and if I divorce him he will tell everybody about me and the mess I got us into and will sell the house taking half with him. Just wondering what the hell happened to us, he never used to be like this and I never used to be a pushover....
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 What good values?
It never bodes well if a woman starts saying that her guy is the greatest. You just know there is a HUGE but coming. Often one that completly contradicts everything she said about him before.
Anyway. Bad getting in debt and even worse trying to hide it. Trying to feel better by spending money? Well, you are female I suppose but snide comments aside. Doesn't that tell you something?
Why did you have to spend to be happy? Why do you need the horse to escape your life? because that is what you are doing.
It seems to me you are deeply unhappy with your life as it is but are afraid to admit it. Because that would mean breaking up your home. Even though you have to escape it to survive each day with your horse.
Normally this would be simple. He seems a control freak who does things his way no matter what and expects his loving... wait, you never actually say you love him. Most women do that, using it as an excuse to stay in a bad situation but you don't even do that.
The debt thing however makes things a little bit different. It puts a slightly different spin on his current attempt at control. Yes, he was a lazy self centered husband before but he got reason to control your finances hasn't he? As a husband he would be liable for your debts and you could have ruined the entire household.
So, were is the line to be drawn? How much of his control is justified. How bad was the debt? How likely is it to happen again?
without the debt I would tell you to think real hard about what would make you "happier". Alone but free or together but essentially a maid who pays her employer.
With the debt... it is not nice to say but some people need to be controlled. Do you "need" this marriage? I wouldn't but then I didn't go in debt over some horse.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (8 June 2010):
If you sell this horse you are going to give him total control on you. If you have the money to clear the debt than use that money. People deserve to have activities, hobbies, something that will keep your mind busy and he should understand this since he himself plays rugby.
It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage to begin with, and your going to have to work on this maybe offer him marriage counseling, but do not give in.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 You only have one life.
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