A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i am desperately in.love with an.older man. i met him 2years ago however i have learned that he has 4 kids to his ex gf. i know he has been.hurt in.the past but he.wants me to give up my chances of having children because he already has them. i dont know what what to do i.mean i love this man.so much but i have always.wanted to.be a.mother. what should i do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): You need to be careful because that would be a very big sacrifice and i wouldn't do it as you want children in the future. And you may love him alto but what if down the line either of your feelings change . Then you would have wasted time and depending on what age you were could have destroyed your chances of having children. Because its a big
desion and you are still young so keep so base your desion on what you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): If you end up marrying him you will have 4 step kids. They will be your family too. Ask yourself why this isn't enough? If it isn't then you have to break up with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): First of all- kids are overrated. Seriously.
Second of all, this man has already made his family life before.
Move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): So we have been dating 2 years and I cant bear to be without him but we actually fighting atm because of the situation. I know he doesn't love me and I've known it for awhile but I thought I could change that. I need to move away, too many memories here.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 You should drop him because:
1. He already has 4 kids with one or more "girlfriends" (your word) to whom he was not sufficiently dedicated to marry them and have a "family" unit....
1A. .... thereby, his "committments" sound pretty fragile in the first place, and,
2. By telling you that he would deny your having children, he is "really" telling you that you and your feelings/dreams and expectations don't mean a darn thing to him. Is THAT what you'd like to find in a partner/hubby/father-for-your-children??????
Good luck....
P.S. Being "desparately in love" with him should make no difference to your decision.... since that is, clearly, a one-sided thing...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): You want kids, he doesn't. Please don't fool yourelf that given time he will change his mind because he wont. Make the break now. I know that it will be heart wrenching but nothing in comparison to giving up your dream of kids. This is a dealbreaker. Please believe me when I say that you will find love with a man who is on the same page as you and is willing to marry and have the 2.4 kids with you. Next time you get with a man find out what it is he want from the relationship. I know it sounds easier said than done but it will save you a whole lot of heartache along the way.
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 This is why do you want children one day should be one of the first questions you ask when you start dating. Make sure you want the same things before you get too involved. You are still young, plenty if men out there with a lot less baggage!
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 January 2013):
 There are many ways to be not compatible, the obvious ones like just not getting along, cheating, etc... But then there is the kind where you do not have the same life goals and no amount of love can change that. This is a biggie, you want kids and he does not. One of you will always be unhappy in the relationship and again, no amount of love can change it.
The only thing you can do is find the strength to leave. I know it's extremely hard to walk away from what feels like a great relationship over something that won't happen for awhile, but you will never be fully happy with him. It's nothing either of you has done wrong, he is not being selfish here, you just are not compatible and never will be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): My ex husband had 3 children and didn't want anymore. I kept trying to change his mind but he was adamant. I hung around for a while really hoping he would change but ofcourse he didn't. I became more and more resentful of his existing children to the point where I could not bear to even have them in the house so I had to leave. I married another man not long after and have 2 children. I don't think this set up will make you happy long term so think about leaving now before you get entrenched and everyone gets really hurt. I would so much more have had the children then stayed with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): You have to understand one thing OP there is zero chance he will ever want kids with you absolutely none. So you either accept that and settle for his kids being the only ones you'll have or you understand that this relationship has no real future.
Now that's not to say you have to move on, you don't really. You're still very young and I doubt you were planning on having kids any time soon anyway. So there's no reason you can't stick around for a while until you feel the relationship has run its course.
It just means any other kind of serious commitment, marriage, buying a house together is not a good idea because you don't have the same future planned.
Again OP I have to remind you, no matter how much you hope and wish he will change his mind, he won't. Never be foolish enough to think he will. 4 kids is more than enough for any person and I doubt he wants the extra financial burden either.
If you can't handle the fact that you have no future with this guy move on and save yourself the heartache, or just stick around a while until the relationship takes it's natural course. You're far too young to settle down and have kids now anyway and I doubt he sees you as a long term prospect anyway so either way this will end.
It all depends on how much deeper into this you want to go. If you love him as dearly as you say you do then it's only going to be more painful for you.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (20 January 2013):
This one’s pretty black and white I’m afraid: It’s him or your dream. If you’re wanting him to be your long-term partner and to have kids, it’s a combination he’s been very clear is never going to happen. So, before you get deeper in to this relationship, decide now whether this is a deal-breaker for you. Don’t be fooled in to believing that you can put this to the back of your mind: only forget the dream of kids if you could genuinely accept that and not either be tormented by it or resent him for it. If you can’t give that up, leave. That may sound blunt but an issue like this is such a fundamental incompatibility that it does present a choice that stark.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2013):
 you need to accept that he does not want kids
his kids will never be your kids and therefore you will never be happy without your own children.
I'm sorry but this is a fundamental issue that causes breakups.
IF you want children and he does not want any more, then you will forever resent his children. You will be angry with yourself for denying yourself a fundamental pleasure and joy in life. And you will probably take it out on him and when your biological clock goes off you will possibly leave this man you love that does not (rightfully so he has FOUR already) want any more children.
I know you love him but you have to think long term here and consider ending the relationship.
IF you do not end the relationship and you try to trick him into being a father when he does not want to be (unless he's wisely had a vasectomy) it will end badly.
My only advice is painful in the beginning but you need to end the relationship and find a partner that wants kids.
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