A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my boyfriend for over 4 years. He is my first, but he has had one long term relationship before me. We have had a great relationship in every aspect and nothing has threatened it so far. Well.. i admit sometimes it does feel like we are getting a bit too boring- in a cute way. For a couple of months he has been talking to a girl on Skype. He hasn't tried to hide it, they go to university together and have assignments to do, so i really don't mind. It got a bit weird, when they chatted for hours even when the assignments where finished.. and i saw that familiar smile on his face while he chatted with her. Once i even asked him a bit jokingly, if he liked her and he smiled and shrugged. I didn't think much of it at the time, since we often mock each other about things like that. The day before yesterday he said he is going to visit his brother after work (boyfriend works in the evening) and wont come home before midnight. I called him about 1 a.m. but he didn't answer. That is when i started to get suspicious, because he has never stayed so late at his brothers place (his brother likes to go to sleep early and he doesn't like to go out to party). When my boyfriend finally arrived at about half past three in the night, he had been drinking and said that he didn't go to his brothers, that he had a drink with his colleagues after work. In the morning i did something i am not very proud of... i checked his phone for messages and calls... i don't know why i did it... i was just messing around with the phone and then (even to my surprise, i really didn't expect to find anything) i found the proof, that he was out with the Girl. There where messages about where and when to meet before going out to celebrate the end of semester. He had lied about everything. He didn't even go to work, they went straight to a bar somewhere. When i asked him about it he started defending himself and even accused me of being too paranoid and that it is all my fault he had to lie. I couldn't take it and started to cry. Suddenly he felt sorry (but he never said it like he really meant it) He said that with her, he can talk about things he feels he cant with no one else. That hurt me the most. He promised to never ever lie again and to give his best to win my trust again. I think i have forgiven him, but i cant look at him the same way, he is not the same person to me, and i am afraid that it will affect our relationship. He basically admitted, that there is another woman in his life with whom he can talk about everything and whose company he enjoys very much. It has been only one day since this all happened, and i am still sorting things out in my head. I asked him this morning, that what was it they where talking about, that he cant talk with anyone else. Then he said something like "Again! Are you STILL nagging me about it cant you just let it go?!?" in an offended voice.... It has just been one day since i found out he lied to my face and he promised to do everything to win my trust again. Why would he react this way? Is it that he really likes this girl? How should i act and where should i go from here? I am sorry about my bad english, it is not my native language. Thank you for reading through all this and i really appreciate your opinion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): Thank you so much for your answers they really helped a lot!
They made me see the situation through his eyes and
also reminded that i shouldn't just forget the incident
thinking this kind of behavior is normal, since it was
just a "misunderstanding". I will not give up on us
because of what he might of done but didn't. For a
moment, it was my biggest fear that he will fall in
love with someone else and i felt he doesn't respect/love
me anymore. Now i know it was not about me at all. There
are moments in peoples lives which they are not very
proud of and this one was his(maybe there are more to come, but that's just life.)I will not tell him what to do, he is an adult and makes his own decisions. Besides, starting to trust him again depends just as much on me as it does on him. If i continue to over think and start to feel like i need to control him then it is impossible to trust him again even when he does everything right.
A
female
reader, jessy88  +, writes (20 January 2013):
if you love him you will trust him again
but tell him the last time ! if he lie again leave him forever because if he love u he will never lie !
give him 2 chances !
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (20 January 2013):
First off, your English is excellent, I never even suspected you weren't a native speaker.
Second, I have to defend your boyfriend in a way that may help you get over this: it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex with whom you are strictly friends. He never lied to you about his relationship with her before.
The reason he is probably getting upset with you is because he doesn't feel he did anything wrong apart from lying, and that is very possible. So, the issue is more about the lying than hanging out with this girl (assuming you believe he didn't intend on cheating).
He's obviously guilty of lying but it sounds like he did it because he didn't want you to get the wrong idea. It was stupid of him because lying about it makes it difficult for you to believe he told the truth about other aspects of his relationship with her.
Getting upset when confronted with an accusation is typically what people telling the truth do. Not always, but more often than not. If he was guilty of cheating he probably would have asked you to forgive him for lying to you, even begged you.
I would make it known to him that you are no longer comfortable with their friendship. If you tell him he can't contact her at all you are probably going to find him lying to you again, but he needs to know that you won't tolerate them going out alone together. If he doesn't like it then break up with him. When he lied he lost the benefit of your trust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): If my boyfriend was having long conversations with a girl I'd go mad!! I believe there should be an elemant of privacy and space in a relationship but I do have access to his facebook and phone but I never look at them because I 100% trust him.The problem you're going to have now is that you wont trust him at all, everytime he will leave the house youll be thinking is he with this girl, the only person your supposed to share your mind, body, soul or heart with is your partner and obviously its not because he cant he doesn't want to.He needs to build trust with you and it sounds like he's not going to, you haven't said he's not going to see this girl again, you're too forgiving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): This is called emotional cheating.... and he has the gall to make YOU feel guilty about it! Tell him he has to choose - he can spend time alone with her, or he can have you. He can't have both.
xxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 You shouldn't let it go. Let me tell you, what being able to talk about everthing means. A relationship either progresses into marriage and family, or it deteriorates into a cycle of insecurity and infidelity. He does not want to step up the game and get serious. He wants to talk about jokes and be flirty. You two were probably like that at the beginning, but relationships do not stay that way unless you find another person and start fresh. Do you think that he is just going to stop talking to this other woman?
He wants to blame it on you so that he does not take responsibility for the hurt he caused you. I won't trust him again because issues has not been resolved. You are not too different from the woman he is talking to, only that you have history and he does not have new stories to impress you like for the other woman.
He basically has to put a ring on the finger and be able to convince you why he does not have a need for the greener pasture. Otherwise all talk is useless. He seems like a serial monogamist. Hopping from one to one in order to avoid real commitment. He can be whoever he wants to, but you should not let him have both ways.
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