A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I feel like im loosing my mind. I met a mysterious guy and we got on so well, he told me he felt comfortable around me, making me feel relieved and srawn even cloaer to him, but recently he told me he only wanted a casual relationship.I'm 18 and expressed that I wouldnt be comfortable with a casual relationship, as it would be my first time having sex and I would be upset that he wouldn't be there for me as a boyfriend. We came to a friendly understanding. He told me I'm a nice girl and cool to hang out with but doesn't have time for love. I'm so upset that he doesn't want a relationship, as I can see myself with him. I miss him soooo much and want to hear his voice, that makes me happy. I'd feel like I was bothering him if I message him without a reason. Should I take up his offer of a sexual relationship just so that I can see him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Please don't sell yourself short. Look at it this way. This 'mysterious' (?) guy probably knows what he's doing and is pretty good at it. Complimenting you and making you comfortable around him and THEN letting you know he's not in the market for a relationship, just sex. Smell a rat? Maybe, maybe not, but imagine that, after you jump aboard his 'only sex' train..because you're just so desperate for any crumbs he has to throw your way...imagine now that he's laughing up his sleeve at you and thinking 'Ha ha another bagged and shagged!' He may not be thinking this way, although 'not having time for love' is BS. EVERYONE has time for love when it happens, he just means he has no inclination for love with you. But just imagine that he is thinking in this way. Now, how do you feel about being very intimate with someone who does not care for you? You would basically be demeaning yourself by not being true to yourself. You cannot go wrong in life when you know and you stand by what behaviour you will or will not tolerate. Have more respect for yourself. Draw up your boundaries and be strong. People are very affected in a positive way by others who know their own mind and they can see they won't sway them. Much better than 'ok, anything you say...'
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (11 April 2015):
 I would walk away from this situation and hold out for what you truly want..a relationship with a nice guy who cares about you and wants more than just sex. This guy was upfront with you and trust me, when a man says he doesn't want a relationship..believe them. Don't sell yourself short sweetie..hold out for what you really want. You deserve that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2015):
 No, don't waste your time on a dud.
If he can't be BOTHERED to date YOU, don't be BOTHERED to be his HOLE in the mattress to park his penis in.
My guess is he is doing this "mysterious" thing to wheel you in, but matter of the fact is... HE HAS NOTHING to offer other then some (without doubt) mediocre sex.
Let him have all the "casual" sex he wants.. WITH his hand.
WANT more for yourself.
Let me put it this way.. IF he had said he wanted you to get a tattoo on your forehead saying Bob'd slut, but you really only wanted a dolphin on your ankle.... Would you do it? My guess is no, because you are NOT a stupid girl.
Move on..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 April 2015):
 You ask: Should I take up his offer of a sexual relationship just so that I can see him?"
If you're willing to sell your soul, then go ahead and do so.
THEN, he'll know that you have sufficiently little (or no) self-respect, and he can have you for a "bit on the side" until/unless you come to your senses...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): No! He's at least been honest with you - rather than promise you the earth and then take your virginity.
DON'T start negotiating yourself down inside your own head - this is the way to madness. You will get hurt - he WON'T be there and the best that will happen is that you will learn to HARDEN yourself towards him and towards other men - when you make a psychological downgrade like the one you are thinking of, you really do cheat yourself out of your best values - and if you do it once, the chances are you will learn to cheat yourself out of other things as well.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 April 2015):
 No, you will get seriously hurt.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (11 April 2015):
 Absolutely NO!
First, you said that you "wouldnt be comfortable with a casual relationship" so if you are uncomfortable with it then don't do it.
Second, although you can "see yourself" with him apparently he does not want to see himself with you. There is no point in being with someone who does not want you.
Third, his pun that he "doesn't have time to love" is just a less derogatory way of telling you that he has no love for you whatsoever which would fit in the time he would have to spend with you if a couple.
In other words, what he is saying is that you are only worth an orgasm to him and nothing more.
He is an ass.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2015):
 No.
What would you answer if I told you : I need nail polish, should I enter in that wine store to get some.
You'd tell me : no, don't waste your time. They sell wine there, not nail polish.
You want to date , and he wants to fuck. Quite different.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 April 2015):
 No. You will only get hurt.
He has been honest, and told you what he wants - SEX. He does not see you as a girlfriend, and that will not change.
Please don't think that if you give him what he wants he will suddenly miraculously want to have a long term relationship with you. Likelyhood is, he will take your virginity and then you will not see him ever again.
Just out of interest, how old is he?
As a first "proper" relationship, this is not the man for you. Do you want to look back and remember your first time, being with a man who didn't care about you?
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A
male
reader, mfj78 +, writes (11 April 2015):
No! No ! NO! Please don't make the mistake of sleeping with this guy as he has made it crystal clear he only wants casual sex. If you sleep with him, and give up your virginity to him, he wont then change his mind and form a relationship with you.Time and again we get posts on here from heartbroken women who sleep with men knowing full well that the man only wanted a casual relationship/friends with benefits/sex situation and then want us to tell them why the man has vanished and not formed a connection.Women, generally, form an emotional attachment to a sexual partner far more readily than men do. If you sleep with this man you will be broken hearted and hurt that you gave up something that means so much to you for him to get a quick thrill. Sorry to be blunt but you need to see this situation for what it really is.He doesn't want a relationship with you so you need to move on and find someone who does. Its not easy but at 18 im afraid you are at an age where life does become more complicated and sometimes difficult decisions have to be made. If you do have sex with him you will fall for him far more than you already have, will form an emotional connection and probably fall in love....he will enjoy sex with an 18 year old virgin and, probably other women too as you are not in an inclusive relationship, and then either leave after he gets what he wants or leave you stuck wanting more than just the sex you are getting. You say yourself: "I wouldnt be comfortable with a casual relationship, as it would be my first time having sex and I would be upset that he wouldn't be there for me as a boyfriend" So you have answered your own question ;-)PLEASE be wary of making any kind of "friendly understanding" with guys who make it clear they want to sleep with you. No disrespect to the guy, who I don't know, but men who want sex with a woman will create the impression of friendship to get what they want. He will act in a way and treat you in a way that makes you feel good as he wants something from you. As an adult you need to rise above that, be strong and find someone more suited to you.Best of luckMark x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): Nope. You shouldn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): No. I don't think you should. You will regret it in the long run. When he has sex with you and like you say, then treats you like you aren't a priority. That's going to hurt you even more than it hurts you now. You'll feel used and cheap.
It's cool that he has been honest and I know it sucks when your love interest does not reciprocate your feelings. But his arrangement is not fair to you. It's just not right.
You'll feel even lonelier than you do now. And you'll be mad at yourself.
Just be strong. And wait for a guy who is on the same page as you. It'll happen for you.
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