A
female
age
30-35,
*utiepiesensei
writes:At the beginning of the conversation we had, he emphasized that he did not want us to break up completely. He has communication problems and I have issues with selfishness that I need to work on. He never would tell me when he was upset with me and it caused us to have problems because I never knew what habits of mine irritated him to that extent. His main thing also is that he feels too obligated and forced to do things within the relationship that really should just be natural. He sucks at communication and hates talking on the phone, so many times I have to remind him to call me/call me back and would get upset if he didn't do so. He said he doesn't call not because he doesn't want to talk to me, but when I put that pressure on him to do those things he just doesn't want to do it anymore. Basically, if I ask him to do something, he doesn't want to do it; he prefers feeling like he's making those decisions by himself.He said this break would help because while he would still call and text me everyday, he wouldn't feel that "obligation" anymore and he would feel like he's doing it on his own. The break that we have would have both of us still seeing each other every now and then, contacting each other, he still wants to call me pet names like "baby" and "angel" (both of which he has continued to use frequently after this whole thing has started). Also he continues to say that he's in love with me and is willing to tell anyone that, but right now he just doesn't want the "title" of "girlfriend and boyfriend". So it's like if someone asks him "Who is *my name*?" He would say "That's the girl I love" or "That's my angel" but not specifically "That's my girlfriend". He wants to change our status on Facebook as well, but I refused to do so since this break was not my choice but his, and he said right now it's too hard for him to make that change on facebook but it'll eventually have to happen.I know he isn't cheating, he's not that type of guy. He said that he can see our relationship having marriage potential, moreso than any of the other college couple we know, and that I'm his best friend. He just said that we need to work on some things and help each other during the break by still being close and pointing out when the other person is slipping up on what they need to be working on (he'll point out my selfish moments and I'll point out when he isn't communicating). He doesn't want to see other people and we came to the understanding that at any moment, regardless of if we are on break or not, if one of us decides to date someone else, that makes us officially "broken up" not on break.So do I have anything to worry about? I mean a "break" is still a break....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): The reason most breaks fail is because the partner who wants the break intends to see (read: sleep with) other people. The other partner, who never wanted the break in the first place, goes along with the break assuming that their partner wouldn't do anything like that. Then the truth comes out later on and fireworks ensue.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Hey there. Me and my bf had a 'break' recently. Breaks get alot of bad press, you have already received some pretty negative feedback. However, i think they can be okay. Me and my bf agreed to have a break for a month, it lasted 8 days. Space is really important in a relationship. Agree to it but by what he is saying, it doesnt sound like a break at all? You are not meant to be in contact when you are having a break.
Changing his status and not wanting the tag of bf is no big deal, thats just his way of dealing with the break.
I really do think thouhg that if you are on a break you should treat it as such. That means you are not his gf and visa versa. It does sound like he is calling the shots abit; telling you that he is still going to call you baby and saying you can both still see eachother and point out eachother's flaws. That's not having a break.
Being on a break means that you arent gf and bf for that time. I think you should suggest having limited contact, i.e. the odd phonecall/text but no actual getting together. If neither of you want to see other people while on this break (even though you arent actaully on a break, by what you have said) then that would be okay.
I think you need to take some power back, you could even suggest seeing other people, see how he reacts. I think he is being a little controlling here honey. Use this time to think about what you want, hook up with your friends, look after yourself and arrange some nights out. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 June 2011):
 I'm not a big believer in "breaks" I never find they work.
either you are together or you are not.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (1 June 2011):
Yeah I think you may have something to worry about.
1) Most relationships that go on a 'break' don't work out 99% of the time. I don't know what your issues are but not ringing you because he feels pressured and wants to make that difficult decision himself (unless you're exceptionally clingy) is pathetic. Calling you baby and angel does not really mean anything on it's own, look at the bigger picture - he loves you but wants a break...it doesn't really make sense does it?
2) He doesn't want the title of boyfriend but still wants to come over (and maybe have sex?) and to have you be there for him. It seems he's either trying to fully break up with you as slowly and painlessly as possible or at worst it could be he's keeping you around until he is able to move on and find someone else he's interested in. I mean he basically said dating someone else is a possibility - you've already discussed it.
If I were you I'd either try and work things out now, while you're still together or end things while you're still on good terms. From what I've seen with people I know is that breaks just don't work and in some cases make it worse.
Sorry to sound harsh but this is really how it came across to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): This sounds kind of understandable but perculier at the same time. I put it down to his age, boys can be quite slow to blossom, on the other hand if they don't learn their lessons early on they miss out on being with 'the one'
and regret it later. Put simply if what you have is special, he needs to know that it will slip away if he is not taking more care.
Having a space is fine a break is not really ideal seeing as nothing really bad has happened between you.
Learning to try and be settled and happy with what you have is better/more effective while taking things slowly.
Maybe he has had some advice from a parent or friend and he is trying to get his head around things.
I feel that you may need to point out to him that you would like to call a spade a spade and that you are either with someone or not. but just because you are interested in each other does not mean that you can not build up the trust and things slowly. Instead of having a 'break' why not agree to build up the trust slowly and see how that goes instead, it will be much more rewarding for both of you and not cause outside influences to interfere/damage the relationship.
As for him not being able to be a good listener and do things that you ask for, I'm afraid that is a very immature foolish trait a lot of young guys carry with them until they are old and grey. His parents should of delt with that, anyway you will need to address this and stand your ground firmly. It is mature and reasonable to aknowledge what someone elses needs are. To be honest if people are left to themselves - no matter how intuitive they might be -they don't get everything right and the relationship suffers.
So in conclusion - you are on the right track my dear he needs to communicate and not let a little ego or pride get the better of him.
Explain to him that by being a bit silly he risks losing you either now or 10 years from now because he hasn't nipped his folly in the bud.
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