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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I am 50 and my b/f is 63 years old. We have dated on and off for 10 years. We have never dated others during our breakups. I am learning how to swing dance. My boyfriend is an excellent dancer but very impatient when it comes to helping me. So I decided to learn to swing on my own by attending classes. I also take country line dance lessons without my b/f, afraid of criticizm again. I like to go out on Friday nights to dance so I can build up my confidence and I like being liberated without anyone watching which way I turn or not turn. When I go out to these dances, I do not date anyone. I am faithful. It is strictly dancing. The people I do dance with I tell them I am with someone and they understand. My dilemma is that my b/f doesn't feel I should be going to these dances but goes along with me because he knows he can trust me. Now, because I go out dancing, he will go dancing too but to another club. Now he is dancing with women. And for some reason, I am jealous of that. I am doing the same thing he is but it worries me. He tells me that the women he dances with are "safe" because they know he is with me. But I wonder if this is good. I am sure he is thinking along the same lines but doesn't voice it to me. Sometimes he will joke about the people I dance with, but I remind him I am there to dance not date. And deep down he knows my character. So why do I worry? Any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Sounds like a self-esteem problem to me. You know you wouldn't stray from your boyfriend, because you know your own heart.
But if you secretly think that you're 'not good enough' for him, then a part of you is worried that he'll find another woman more attractive. Because you can't see into his private feelings, you're projecting your insecurity onto him.
It's really common, and it's good that you've caught yourself at it.
One comment that jumps out at me is that you go alone because you're "afraid of criticism", which suggests to me that your boyfriend might be a bit harsh with you at times, and you've become sensitised to it.
If you recognise that, you might see a reason why you're a bit insecure about his dancing with other women.
But in the last analysis, if he's never given any reason for you to suspect him of cheating, then you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Be aware of your own insecurities (we all have them) and be careful that you don't assign motives to him where there are none.
And now that you've both been dancing with other partners, and you've sharpened up your skills, why not consider trying to go to classes together?
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