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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been dating my boyfriend going on 4 mos. and I have recently been having some issues about how I am so less experienced than he is. I have been a religious girl all my life, but have recently dissented from my religion. He is a virgin, and obviously so am I, but (he was the first guy to see my boobs, at 22, as embarrasing as that is) and am doing a lot of firsts with him. He has done: a lot of foreplay, kissed 120 girls, had 7 girls go down on him(only recipricated once, three ways---though without the sex, and video taping. and I have never done all of those things.... He is changed and doesnt do any of those things now (hes 26) but I cant get over what a party animal he was?I don't know what to do. I have dated a lot of different types of guys (they were always the church-good boys) but have never dealt with these issues before.Being 22, I can see a lot potentials to marry this guy (not for a long time though) but do people break up with someone, just because they have the suspicion that they are the "one" I don't know how I can resolve the issues of his past.... unless I dont, Sadly the hard way is to break up and see if my suspicions are right. That would be throwing the relationship out the window, and hoping we will meet again. But is there a better approach to what im thinking?What is a good approach with this problem?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 I agree with Camille, I think her advice is very good.
You said:
"...but I know that I don't want to have a serious relationship with someone until I get and explore my own sexuality"
This is a suprising thing to say! Many people will tell you (quite rightly in my opinion) that the best way to explore your own sexuality is in a serious relationship. Casual sex and flings are a way to have a lot of sex with different people, but the sex tends often to be much less intimate and more superficial. In the context of a 'serious' relationship (if it's a good one) you can find that the sex can be much more profound, much more intimate, much 'sexier', and in the end, much better.
I'm talking from my personal experience, but I have found that by far the best sex I've had (including the most experimental and adventurous) has been within the serious relationships I've had.
A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 I think I do understand. It sounds like a case of..."I wish I'd met him after I have had some fun myself". Such is life eh? Well, you could surprise yourself, this guy may tick all the boxes. Some people only sleep with the one person the whole of their life and it's not dull or boring or they haven't missed out on anything. Why the need for an open relationship? Why not try dating him exclusively and see what happens. The thing you have to rememebr about relationships regardless of age is that someone else's life may have been the opposite of yours and with that may come sacrifices. People who have been promiscous may seek magonomay, ex addicts may not want you to use/drink. You may not have done a lot of the things that your boyfriend has, but he may be worth it, or you can do them with him, (or if it doesn't work out, after). You may not be together forever but you'll have gained a whole new load of firsts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,I really care about this guy. But the whole aspects of having a long-term relationship scares me. Probably because my life style has taken a 360. Ive done a lot of firsts with this guy.... but I know that I don't want to have a serious relationship with someone until I get and explore my own sexuality. I don't want just one guy to take the repsonsiblity of me. I feel like (Ive never told him this) Im putting a lot of pressure on him,because he has done all those things (since 13, at least) I want to have an open relationship, but he doesn't (how many guys would turn that down?) How can he expect me to be committed after my past? He has had his learning experiences and is ready to commit to a girl (He hasn't had a girlfriend for 4 years... hes pretty picky... but he sure dated during that time! So he likes me a lot) How important are those experiences? I know I am not planning on going crazy after having this freedom to do what ever I want, but I want to understand my own sexuality. I know Im pretty, and he always says, "Im drop dead gorgeous," and he said that Im the cutest girl he has dated (I guess I could take that as a compliment considering the number) But it isn't fair! I want to have an open relationship, but he wants nothing to do with it... saying he would be jealous. If he wants to have me, he is going to have to wait a few years. We have so much connection, but it wouldn't be fair to him. There is a chance I might be too curious and leave. Is there a better way than to break things off to explore my sexuality now? I know I'll never be a party animal, but I need some things under my belt. Do I just have confidence issues are do I need to take a rain check on our 4 mos relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): You will find it near impossible to find a guy who is a virgin or who is sexually "pure" at that age. To be honest it sounds a bit suspicious that he has told you he is a virgin, it doesn't sound like it to me.
Like the other answer said, you need to get over it for the relationship to work. Give it time. If it doesn't feel any better in a month or so, you'll know that someone with a lot of sexual history is not the right kind of person for you.
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female
reader, camille +, writes (2 June 2006):
If you do not forget about his past, you have no future with him. It's that simple. The hard part is how to push it out of your mind. I'm not sure why he told you all that information as I don't see it's any of your business. He is still a virgin so it's not like he has to take an AIDS test or tell you due to risk factors. Personally I have NEVER heard of a virgin taking part in non-sexual 3ways, video taping etc and so without full penetrative sex I don't see him as a party animal, just an young man experimenting. But hey, there are men out there who've slept with hundreds of women, your man hasn't slept with one so I actually can't see a big problem. He has nothing to compare you with and I don't think men who have feelings for their woman do that anyway. It's probably in OUR heads but not theirs! He may have similar reservations too. Have you talked it through with him? I understand everyone is different and that it's a big deal for you, but I can't put myself in your shoes because I would be jumping up and down with joy about finding a 26 year old man being a virgin if I was one too and it fit with my ethics. As it goes, I haven't a clue how many people my boyfriend has slept with (and vice versa) and that's the way I like it. Knowing stuff messes with your head. Be rational and think that if he's the one, why break up with him? Everyone has a past and that's where it should be. He's 26 and tells you he's ready to settle down, you have to trust him and believe him. If you sleep together, you will have only ever had sex with each other so that'll be new for you both. Experience doesn't matter anyway, cos it's not a competition.
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