A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dated this guy for 3 months and broke up with him because I felt things were going too fast and he was starting to get on my nerves. We had different interests, different humour, he would always be complaining, I wasn't sexually attracted to him anymore, he always thought he was better than everyone else, a coward and reaching 30 years old he was one of the biggest mommy's boy I had ever met... Even hearing his voice was annoying me! On top of that he is a very insecure person and was starting to smother me and display a controlling behavior - constantly contacting me, questioning me (and I even caught him checking my email). I think that he was so desperate to get a gf that I felt he was putting me on a pedestal (so it could have been any other girl) and so I felt his feelings were too much/artificial. Of course I didn't tell him those are the reasons I wanted to break up. I told him that I didn't think we were a good match and we were expecting different things in the relationship. I didn't mention the details above. I thought the break up talk went well and that he acted very mature about it. I was even hoping that in the future, we could maybe become friends again (because otherwise, he is a good person and fun to hang out with). A few weeks after the break up (and no contact), he sent me a passive aggressive message basically describing how depressed he is and putting himself as a victim, and basically saying in an indirect way how it is all my fault he feels this way (trying to get sympathy I guess). I felt like the unique purpose of this email was to guilt trip me. I responded in a positive way saying basically that he's an awesome guy with many qualities and he will get over his depression. I never got a response. His message still annoys me and I feel he is even more pathetic then when we were in a relationship. I felt like the only purpose he sent me the email is to have a pity party. It kind of hurts because while our relationship he was apparently head over heels for me and saying I was such a good/perfect person. If I was such a great person, why didn't he even "fight"/try to change my mind when I told him I wanted to break up? He didn't even put up a fight and just let the situation happen. I'm a sweet and sensitive person, so it takes a lot to actually make me annoyed at people and find the bad in them. Due to his insecurities I really didn't want to tell him how much and why he was annoying me! Because I think that will destroy him and make his self-esteem even lower. But I feel like I do want to send him an honest message with how I really feel and have the last word (but I know it's an immature thing to do and I know it will just hurt him even more). It feels so good to type this out. But I still feel so angry! I feel I can't even confront him about it or else it will just create drama! How do I get over my angry feelings and what can I expect from a passive aggressive ex bf? I have never been in this situation before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, this is OP!
Pixie & Honeypie, thank you so much for your input... Really helped put things in perspective that responding to him (in an honest way or not) does not gain anything positive in life and is just a waste of time and energy!
I was starting to get closure and wasn't feeling angry about the topic anymore but then he ended up responding to my message. In a nicer tone with depressive undertones, still putting himself as victim number 1 and blaming it on the whole world (not on me this time because I think he just wants to use me a confidant and thinking there's still a possibility for friendship due to my nice message).
Basically I'm annoyed again. I think this is because it reminds me of all the things he did while we were together and for which I never called him out on. Now in his last message he is acting the same way when we were in the relationship: never accepting responsibility for anything. I don't think I will encourage him by sending an answer or if i do, it will probably be a very generic and dry message, as actually im feeling so much better as an individual since he isn't in my life.
Anyways thank you so much for your insight. Did help a lot and help me think of more positive things in life!
A
female
reader, Pixie.Greatorex  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 This is by no means an unusual position to find yourself in with an ex and there may be many different reasons for this behaviour. It may be his way of trying to engage you in to a conversation because he is missing you but perhaps he feels winning you back in not an option or because he genuinely feels things were not his fault and he is genuinely angry about the break up (which i will come to later so bear with me). If this is the case then i would simply say not rewarding the behaviour is the best course of action; people get bored when their behaviour is simply ignored...you have been kind in your response and i'm pretty convinced that aside from maybe one email to explain that you are not willing to discuss things further that responses there on in would be of little consolation to him. He will likely send other emails and if you don't respond he may send more which is simply his escalating the behaviour to try to elicit the response from you but perhaps simply ignore that too and if his emails upset you then i would advise changing your email or not reading the ones from him. Try to remember that if he is suffering with depression then he is very likely to have a skewed view of the world and to be focussing on all the bad things in his life but this is more about him than it is about you. It's very sad for him if he is unable to face up to the relationship having ended without having to project the blame on to you and maybe it warrants your empathy rather than your anger but the same rule of not responding still applies. Obviously i haven't been in your relationship with him so this is merely my fresh perspective on things but i would say that the real question here is 'Does your responding to his message with the truth as you see it benefit his current situation in any way?' and most importantly...'does it benefit you?' if the answer to both of those questions is no then i would recommend abstaining from any further corespondence with him. Good luck in whatever you choose and in your future relationships x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Honestly I think for the most part you handled the break up right. Telling him it's this and that that is making me break up usually doesn't mean much.
So he decided MONTHS after the break up to blame YOU for all that has gone wrong in his life? So what? YOU know it's NOT about you. It's about his inability to take responsibility for his own actions.
Just ignore it and be glad you are no longer with this guy.
And if he calls/e-mails/IM or text you, just delete it and let it go.
Guys like that have a need to find someone to blame and since you broke up with him, he lashed out at you.
Let it go, being mad at him isn't doing a damn thing for you in your life other then hold you back and drag you down to his level.
It was ONLY a 3 months relationship, don't sweat the little things.
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