A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I really need some advice. Forgive me if this takes too long.My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years and we just recently moved in a one bedroom apartment together August 1st, 2015. Things have been good until this past weekend. Friday night my boyfriend called me while I was at my parents home (my Mother is disabled and I help take care of her along with my Sister and our Father), he tells me that while at work a young couple sat outside to use the free wifi. After talking with them He found out that were just evicted, homeless and had no where to go. So my boyfriend who I know has a huge heart bought them some food, I told Him that was nice of him and according to what I know that was the end of it. The next morning when I arrived home, I walk in to strangers asleep in my living room. I didn’t wake them, I went straight to my boyfriend and asked him why were they there. After talking about it, I said that they could stay for a night and then they would have to leave. These strangers are still in my home almost a week later. I know nothing about them, where they come from, why they are homeless in the first place. I am infuriated with my boyfriend for allowing them to stay without coming to me first. People are crazy these days, you can’t trust anyone and I feel completely disrespected. My name is the only name on the lease, I pay the rent and other bills while my boyfriend who just started working again contributes 2% at the moment. I am all for helping and giving, I was raised that way and I know that it is better to give than to receive. But I feel blindsided, they are in my house, my safe haven, my place of peace and privacy without my consent. They have their personal belongings in the bathroom, clothes in the closet, pictures on the wall and having sex in my living room, none of these things sit well with me at all. This isn’t their home. After letting my boyfriend be the voice, I finally approached them myself, apologized for my boyfriend giving them the wrong impression and being nice, gave them a week to leave. I even googled some information and printed 4 pages of resources in the area to help them. Now my boyfriend has packed his belongings and says that he’s leaving as well, told me that I’m wrong for not letting them stay and he doesn’t want to be with a nasty woman. I am beyond hurt that he would choose complete strangers over me, a woman he’s been with for almost a decade. It makes me feel that there is more to this than he’s told me. My heart is broken, to know that he’s given up everything we have over this baffles me. But I just don’t feel comfortable or safe with two people that I don’t know anything about in my home. Am I wrong for not agreeing with him? Should I suck it up and stick it out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): Big Mistake, I will give my last penny to someone however I have learnt that the more you give the more they take. It is a foolish thing to do and can only end up going wrong.We once took a homeless stranger in, and with hindsight a stupid stupid thing to do. I was the one who had to literally throw him out in the end, after a few months passed and he was rearranging my kitchen, shouting his opinions about why the world owed him a living,how badly done to he was, how could i be so callous throwing him back onto the streets, in the end it was easy.Now i never fall for the heart melting 'let me help you' game, get up and help yourself first.Occasionally when we see a local homeless person we give food, no money, buy cups of tea, or give some art paper and pens and suggest they at the very least sketch something to sell to passers buy. Don't be too soft your fella is wrong and is putting you both at risk, they need to go to the correct places who can help them, show them where. Mark my words it will not work out good for anyone be firm on this one, give a deadline and stick to it or ask them ALL to leave.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): I think your boyfriend is a total nutcase.
They put pictures on a wall???? This is just too weird. And I am sorry to say that, but are you crazy to let them stay for such a long time???
There is something fishy here. I don't believe he didnt know them before.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): He isn't in the position to make decisions who comes and goes when he isn't even on the lease. Furthermore; he didn't even discuss it with you before he decided to let them stay. I don't care whether they may be criminals or not. He took it upon himself to decide for you.
If he packed his bags to leave it is only because he wanted to anyway. He can conveniently flip the scrip to make you look like the bad guy, but that bazaar action isn't one of goodwill. It was part of a plot to end the relationship, and not look like a jerk in the process. He had to leave because you're a bitch. How convenient. You weren't when you paid the bills when he wasn't working!
I think you've overlooked a lot of signs and red-flags. You allowed him to live there without paying his share. You should have asked those people to leave the following day. You don't know who they are, where they've been, or what they're up to. You don't have to take in strangers off the street; but you do have to show mercy, kindness, and charity towards the needy. People who have been evicted and simply move in without offering you anything in payment or future compensation or something useful in exchange aren't charity cases. They're moochers.
You're not running a homeless shelter. I have taken people in down on their luck. Not total strangers, they were acquaintances. They paid what they could, or cleaned the house, worked on my car, or something to show gratitude.
They helped me when my luck went sour.
My suspicion is he knew these people, and they were not just strangers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2015): You are not wrong at all. Let your boyfriend move out. He has no consideration for you at all if he just invited people to stay indefinitely in your own home without even discussing it with you. Don't feel guilty, you are doing the right thing by telling them they have to leave. They overstayed already and your boyfriend is a limp rooster if he will not even own his own mistake and ask them to leave himself. That jerk let you be the bad guy when he created the problem. You will be better off without him mooching off of you anyway. Much respect for standing up for yourself and getting them out of your house. The longer you wait, the harder it would be, and if you waited longer you may even have had to get police or legal involvement to evict them. Sorry you had to go thru this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 October 2015):
 That's one of the weirdest stories I have read on Dear Cupid. Pardon my bluntness, but I think your bf is just- crazy. Loony- bin quality out of his mind. Yeah well I guess you got to know him well in 9 years and if so far he had not given any sign of mental imbalance, this is a strange story, and mine a weak explanation for his behaviour. Then again, you may never know. The delayed effect of a trauma,... or of drug use,...some obscure neurological disease...
You don't give up having a BRAIN and a self preservation instinct even if you are a heart of gold . A compassionate person will still think, and know that compassion does not mean you have to endanger your life, personal safety and belongings by taking in perfect strangers . Sure, shit happen also to good people, alas, but he only had their word that they are just unlucky nice people.
For all he knew they could be criminals running from the police , or from a rival gang. They could have needed to split at once from their usual abode because of some drug deal went awry or some unpaid bet. And note that I am not raising moral exceptions, as in ," if they are drug addicts or gamblers they deserve to starve and to sleep rough " , no this is not what I am saying. But, - that they might have had people looking for them. BAD people, who could cause you all sort of problems from just coming over and making a big scene... to set your place on fire to flush them out.
Am I being overly dramatic ?.... This is 2016. And you live in USA. Check any newspaper any day and see if stranger things than these do not happen regularly.
Not to mention that anyway taking in people without consulting you first would have been extremely arrogant and inappropriate even if the surprise guests had been... his own siblings or parents !
He does not live alone - he lives with you. In a place whose rent and utilities are paid by you, and for which you are legally responsible toward the landlord. If he wants somebody to stay over, from a friend to a homeless person to the President of USA,- he needs to check with you first : " Darling , do you mind if Obama sleeps on our sofa for a couple of nights ?"
I don't know , to me the two points I have mentioned ( what he did was a ) very dangerous and b ) very rude to you ) are so self evident, so basic common sense- that I can't even believe that's all the true story. I bet there's more beneath its surface . Like, maybe he knows these people from before and he owes them something,... or they are all involved together into something shady which you would not approve of.... I don't know, I can't quite put my finger on it, but ,try as I might, I can't bring myself to believe that your bf offered to put up two unknown homeless people, and seems to have taken such an instant shine to them- just out of the goodness of his heart.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 October 2015):
 Sorry but I can hardly believe what I have just read. What a crazy,random and dangerous situation. Your action are totally justified and far more generous in nature than I would be in this situation. His reaction towards you is mean, not the other way around. Totally disrespected you and your home. There is a big difference between an act of kindness and stupidity. Kindness was buying them some food, stupidity is inviting total strangers into your home. Best for him to be gone along with them. 9 years together and he decides to leave you over this- what a jerk, sorry but he is.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 October 2015):
 I agree with HOneypie.
I would let him go. giving cash or a meal is one thing...letting strangers into your home is NOT safe or wise.
I don't blame you at all.
His reaction is over the top and is his way of getting out of what he thinks was a mistake.
let him go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 October 2015):
 No, you are not wrong, for not agreeing.
It is easy to be charitable with other people's belongs and money - and THAT is what he is. This IS your home, YOU are responsible for the apartment and whatever happens there. YOU are also the one paying for the "party". The warm water, heat, food, and what is he doing? Playing the generous "Santa".
I have kids, so taking in a strangers would just not happen for me. My first priority is their safety.
In your case, your BF should NOT have just invited them to stay without even asking you. IF he wants homeless people living with him, he can DO so, IN HIS OWN home, not yours and not one he "shares" with a partner.
I understand that he wanted to help them out, I get it, but without talking to you about it first?
I DO think there is more to it, then you not wanting strangers in your home. There has to be. I might even wonder if he did this KNOWING that it wouldn't sit well with you, so he had an excuse to leave. This way it's "all your fault" (in his book) that your relationship ended. HE was looking for a way out.
You have only been living together since August, he had been out of work for a while? So now that he has a job he doesn't "need" you?
I's wish him well. And let him move out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2015): Thank the Good Lord the boyfriend is going.Mr 2% really thought he ruled the roost so you need to change the locks and wipe the dust off your feet.Mr 2% would give you a nervous breakdown if you let him.Make him stick to his plans and ve sure to wave by by.I have had the nicest homeless people in my house but not fir overnight unless i knew them previously but it never worked out.Money got stolen, cameras got stolen.Sleep stopped.Food got ransacked.Your home is your safe haven ,not a pit stop for everyone.Compassion is about helping people to get what they need.In this case they need to get on the first rung off the housing ladder be it shelter, rented or owned.Your home is not the first rung to anyone but you and to make ir worse they will never thank you for putting them up .Thank goodness your boyfriend has shown his true colours in time for you to move on.He is qrong.He had no right to turn you home into a doss house.He is disrespectful and manipulative.Shut your door and be thankful for the tiny bit of piece of mind that you have while you sleep.Any more trouble from anyone and you get the police involved.Respect your personal satety and give no one the right to try to take it away.Look for a Mr 100% when you recover from the adjustments you have been forced to make.
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