A
female
age
41-50,
*arenxxx
writes:I was married for 10 years and have 3 boys. I left my husband a year and a half ago and the boys too. I met my boyfriend a few weeks before I left my husband. Our marriage was already over long before this. It was instant attraction. I was falling inlove with him. I had never felt true love before. It was amazing. I was 32 and he was 27. The age worried me a bit but he was fine with it so I stopped worrying about it as he made me feel like I was everything to him. It soon started to go a bit wrong after a couple of months. I do blame myself for this as I kept going out with friends to night clubs. I am not the unfaithful type at all. I just wanted some fun with my friends and being married for 13 years I needed to do this. He started to get controlling and possesive which made me go out more. We would have massive rows and he would get a bit physical with me but nothing that bad. He told me I was everything to him and he loved me so much. We split up on and off over the next year but the longest was for 3 weeks. I always knew he would come back as he always did. I did love him. Guess I needed to get the going out bit out of my system. My family and friends did not like him at all and this made it more difficult. He was very verbally abusive to me and he also smoked drugs which did not bother me at the time. He wanted me all to hiself and did not want me to have friends and even wanted nothing to do with my children who live with their dad. He even cut hiself off from his friends. We had another row and he left. A month passed and I heard nothing. I got in contact and he told me it was over for good. I could not accept this. The next couple of months I basically harrassed him with text messages but he would not give in. I then went to his home and we ended up sleeping together. It did not feel the same though. I could tell he was angry with me still but I thought everything would be okay. The next day he text me saying he needed space. I only left it a week and went to see him again and the same happened. I told him I loved him but he said nothing to me. I turned up at his again a week ago. We had a huge row and he got a bit physical with me. I was in a state and eventually he calmed down and we started to talk. He said he loved me still but did not want me to hurt him again. He wanted some time and space. I had found out I was pregnant but he does not think I am. We spent the next two days together and he asked me to come see him that weekend. I did and all evening he sat watching tv. We did not even touch each other. It ended in another row. He told me he could not remember saying he loved me and that he did not care I was having his baby. I would not leave and he ended up punching and kicking me. He fell asleep for an hour and woke up calling my name. He said he felt terrible and that he did not want to hurt me. It was morning by then and he said I needed to give him more time alone and he did not know how long. As I was leaving I said to him if you let me go now then you will never see me again and never have anything to do with your child and he said ok then. This was a few days ago. I am going to leave him alone but I am so confused. I love him with every breath in me and it makes it more difficult as I am pregnant with his child. I am only 6 weeks. What if he does not love me any more. He said some hurtful things about me like I was ugly and too old with baggage. I am far from ugly I know that, but he had never said this before. I am in a mess and don't know what to do. I can't tell my family as they all hate him. My friends think I'm mad to love him like I do but I really truly don't feel I can live without him. But if he does not love me then having his child won't make him love me will it? He even told me to get rid of it. Every day at the moment is hell for me. When I think back to how he used to feel for me I just can't get it into my head how he could not feel the same any more. Is he just hurting still or does he still love me? If I asked him that question he would say he did not love me any more I know it. But I still keep thinking he does. Will I ever get through this? I am going to leave him alone as that seems to be what he wants but I cry every day and just long to be with him. What am I going to do about the baby? This is not the first time I was pregnant by him. When he left before he knew I was pregnant and he did not seem to care and I had a termination at 3 months. Part of me wants this child as I know it's part of him so even if I don't have him I will have his child and so I will always have him in my life but I know that's the wrong way to go about it. Please give me some advice.
View related questions:
drugs, heartbroken, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (10 November 2008):
 Since I replied last, I found a site that was kind of interesting in view of your first paragraph:
"I was married for 10 years and have 3 boys. I left my husband a year and a half ago and the boys too. I met my boyfriend a few weeks before I left my husband. Our marriage was already over long before this. It was instant attraction. I was falling inlove with him. I had never felt true love before. It was amazing. "
I looked at this site about Women's Infidelity: http://womensinfidelity.com/
Now this is an advertisement for a book, and I'm not going to suggest that you buy it, but one section struck me. It talks about women at a certain stage of marriage who withdraw from their husbands and then go on to have affairs.
"Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love.
...
Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship."
Does this sound like your addiction to your lover? If it does, then you might consider that you don't actually love this man at all; you are merely distraught at the thought that you've blown your chance to find the love of your life. Well, relax, because the author of the book says:
"Many of the divorced women who had remarried ... did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship."
So don't kid yourself that this was "the real deal". You still have more chances.
By the way, I looked at Amazon and one of the reviews suggested that the big secret was that women reach their sexual prime later in life, and when they do they change from being "good girls" (what society expects) into "sexual beings" (what biology programs). That's my rephrasing, anyway. So I don't necessarily suggest getting the book. Just be aware that your feelings about this relationship may be conditioned by the (biochemical) high that you got during the early stages. This man is not your soulmate. Find someone else, someone more suitable for you. And don't worry, you'll get that high again!
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (9 November 2008):
"I cry every day and cant stop thinking about him and how in love we were" -- huh? how in love you were? This is very unhealthy.
I think you need some serious counselling. This kind of violence is not normal, and your inability to stop thinking "how in love you were" verges on the pathological.
You've got to get away from this guy, out of his life, out of range of his fists and his sledgehammer. Go and start a new life. Find someone who can treat you decently -- why let an attachment to some failed, dysfunctional, and violent relationship drag you down? 33 is not old. You have many years ahead to make something of your life, but with this unhealthy attachment you seem intent on throwing them away. Stop pining about something that "might have been". It obviously wasn't meant to be, and the violence would have emerged sooner or later; you're lucky you found out now. Cut your losses and get out. He keeps you waiting for hours, days... He hits you, destroys your car... Is this really how you want to be treated? The guy is just not worth it! Let him go and destroy someone else's life. For goodness sake, get some self-respect and get out while you're still alive!
...............................
A
female
reader, karenxxx +, writes (7 November 2008):
karenxxx is verified as being by the original poster of the question I need some more advice. I could not keep away from him as i beleived he still cared deep down but now im not so sure, and i really need to know what people think. I phoned him again and i went to see him. He left me sitting outside his house for three hrs, he had his friend with him. He then called me on my mobile and said that he did not want me to sit outside all night and to go home and he would call me the next day. I waited all day till bout 7pm and i called him. He did not answer a couple of times but then he did. He said he was going out and i asked him if i could see him the next day and he said he was not sure and he was busy. I got upset and angry and drove up to his. He had his friend with him again. I begged him to come out and talk to me but he said no. He said over and over he did not love me and if he did he would not leave me outside. I waited a while and then he came charging out and grabbed me by the neck pushing me to the floor kicking me and then took a sledgehammer to my car, smashing the windscreen and scratching it all over. He went back inside and a minute later he came out with his friend and walked over to his car with him. I went up to him crying saying please dont go and he swung round and punched me in my face knocking me to the ground and then sped off in his car with his friend. He has been a bit rough with me before but never this bad. I did inform the police but they let him go as threr was no witnesses and his friend lied and said nothing happened. I just cant get it into my head that he does not feel anything for me anymore when only a few months ago i was everything to him. And only 3 weeks ago he told me he did love me, he only said it once and at the time he was comming down off the pills and cocaine he had taken the previous night. When i asked him the next day he said he had not even said that? Do u think he honestly thought he had not said it? He said he would never let a woman hurt him again like i did and cry how he cried over me. I want to be on my own he said. When i asked him if we would ever be together again he said i dont know. Then he would say that we would never be together again. He has told me over and over he does not love me so why the hell cant i accept it? I just keep thinking of how we used to be. I know you are going to think im stupid as he has attacked me but i truly love this guy even though i know he is no good for me as he was quite controling and possesive when we dated. But i know the true person inside. I have seen it and maybe the drugs have made him this nasty and uncaring. I just dont know. My heart feels like its been ripped out. I cry every day and cant stop thinking about him and how inlove we were. He has said some really nasty things to me too and i dont know if he means it or not. Did this guy ever truly love me in the first place? I know that i love him. I know i am in denial as i keep thinking that he is gonna change his mind and put his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I have not contacted him now for a couple of weeks and im not going to either as i know i have pushed him too far by keep going to see him. If i had left him alone in the first place then maybe things might of been different, i dont know. Its hard to keep away but im keeping myself busy with work. Unfortunately i misscarried with his child but he does not know that. He thinks i could be pregnant but he said he did not give a shit anyway and he thinks i sleep around and i can assure you that i dont. I used to get accused of doing that all the time as he was very paranoid too. Why the hell do i love this guy so much? I dont want anyone else. I have lost all my confidence anyway and feel ugly and totally rejected. I smoke too much and hardly eat and have lost alot of weight. Im 33 and just feel like an ugly old woman. I feel that i cant live without him. I actually think i would cope better if he were dead then at least then i would have to accept that he was out of my life forever. Please tell me how im gonna get through this hell!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Serenity1  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 To an extent I agree with the other poster's that you left your husband and kids to trade off for a young punk that doesn't know what he wants. I know I would do almost anything to have a complete family like you had and gave away.
On the other hand I feel you having strong feelings for this guy, because I feel the same way about an individual and am having his baby regardless of our outcome. So I know what you mean.
I would say follow your heart, because the heart never lies. If it is true that he doesn't want anything else to do with you you'll know in time. But from the story I don't think thats true. He just knows your nose is wide open for him right now and he's probably getting you back for what you put him through. He'll be back, they always come back.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (21 October 2008):
The signs are unequivocal. The guy does not want you. Pestering him, going round to see him, getting him to sleep with you, giving him an ultimatum, and all the rest of your tactics aren't going to change that; they're going to make it worse. There is no way you can have a normal relationship with him. The abuse will continue, and he will end up completely violent. Quite frankly, you are bad news as far as he is concerned.
I suggest you get completely out of his life. I don't know how you feel about getting rid of the child, but if you can't get your life back on an even keel, it will be a burden to you and you will be a burden to it.
Finally, I would have to say that until you can get a bit of sense in your head, you will continue to be a walking disaster zone for everyone around you. This is not gratuitous abuse. You really have to examine yourself and what you are doing. When you finally get out of all this you will look back and realise what a mess you are causing. I wish you luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): The answer is " get over it!". You have 3 children now, spend your time with them. Why keep this baby when you didn't want the other ?? Get on with your life and love the children you have. He is only playing games with you, not loving you. Sounds like you walked away from someone who loves you and your boys. Grow up.... and leave him in the past.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Like it or not, you have major problems. You need to make an appointment and consult your doctor. You should also ask him to refer you to a psychologist.Leave the guy in peace and sort out the mess you have got yourself into with the pregnancy.
...............................
|
