A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had another discussion about our relationship with my new bf and now I am frustrated. I am not feeling too bad because I expected this to happen.I like my bf. He was really nice when he was flirting with me a couple months ago and he wrote me emails everyday. That was why I decided to be with him although he was 10 years older than me. I thought he was older and not attractive but at least he had a nice personality and he could treasure me. I was wrong. He was the most difficult bf I have ever had. For example, he refuses to be intimate (hold hand, goodbye hug etc.) to be near campus because he is a grad student and I am an undergrad and he used to be my instructor 2 years ago. He didn't want people to gossip. I told him he was worrying too much because I was not in the same department with him and I was supposed to graduate 2 years ago. (I didn't graduate because I am on a scholarship which covers everything and I am staying to finish a 2nd degree.) He said it didn't matter he just didn't want people to spread rumors and his tone was not that nice.He started to show me his bad tempers recently. Like when I joked about something, he would show me a little attitude. And when I told him I didn't want a secret relationship because I had a secret relationship problem with my ex and it broke my heart he was mad and said I was insulting him and it was my problem and he asked me to stop comparing him to "that ass".(I told him many times though) I thought I had too many preconceptions of how a relationship would be and everyone was different. But what I wanted wasn't too much in my mind. For example, I wanted him to be nicer to me (like when there is an argument, he should step back some time or we could both step back. I already gave up the thought of letting him spoil me but I shouldn't be the person calls him after an argument. I started all the argument we have had so far. Because I always wanted to talk about how he could make me feel better and he wasn't willing to and he would get mad)And I wanted him to call me every night before he goes to bed.I told my friends about my concerns. I felt he was passionless. My friends told me to tell him what I liked but i was too shy so I just gave him hints. What broke my heart yesterday was he basically told me he had gotten all my hints and he didn't feel comfortable about me doing that. He said everyone was different and he had his way of being nice to me. He said,"you know it's not the same when you force people to do something." and I was embarrassed. I told him I gave in a lot and he was a little upset and told me,"you are doing that again." He also told me he didn't feel like to do things when he felt he was being forced to.What bothers me is..eww..I am young, good looking and I have a nice body. I am always cheerful and happy and I make people laugh all the time. I am a conservative girl, I haven't had many bfs and I don't mess around with guys. I mean, I am a good girl, don't I deserve to be treated well? what I've been asking for his what people normally do in relationships. why didn't he want to make me happy?He is not mean. We have dinner almost everyday after school (sometimes in the school cafe and I pay for him using my meal plan; sometimes we eat in restaurants he pays most of the time; and during weekends he cooks for me at his place) I simply want more hugs, kisses, and hand-holding. Today, at the lunch table in a restaurant, I had to give him the please-give-me-your -hand look to hold his hand and before he drove me back(I live on campus), I gave him my please-give-me-a-hug,-nobody-knows-us-here look to ask for a hug. (He liked it when I was playing with his hand and he hugged me goodbye)He told me everyone was different and he had his way of being nice to me. (what is his way? cooking for me? taking me home after we hang out at his place? talking to me on msn?) What do you think? I like him now and I don't want to leave him. Talking to him about what I like is not working either. Should I just follow his steps and suffer or what should I do. =(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): Oh my...this sounds a lot like the situation I am in. I am "hanging out" with this grad student from my school and I feel like what-the-hell-is-this-coming-from all the time. I am always wondering what kind of mindset (as in where do they see this type of thing is going) do these grad students have when they are doing undergrads with a huge age difference.
My advice to you (and to me) is to not expect too much. I think this type of relationship dont last, so why bother thinking too much about it. It is not worth the effort and it is not meant to be something you should put in effort, so try to enjoy the good part and ignore the bad. If the bad part is getting too much to handle, I would just leave. You seems like an attractive girl, and there is plenty of fish in the sea. Of course, if being stressed out keeps you occupied and you just don't mind the stress, then keep on stressing (and I am not being sarcastic here). The point is whatever makes you happy.
That being said, it definitely is hard to pull yourself out like that. I am constantly thinking about how to view this "relationship" between me and the grad student. He is such a great person but I am restraining myself from liking him. So I highly admire your courage! Doesnt it suck to have finally met someone you really like, but you are stuck in the age/status difference, and there is nothing you can do? I know age difference doesnt mean anything by itself, but it matters in the sense it prevents you two from doing a lot of things, such as holding hands near the campus. Therefore, just be happy with what you have got and try to think about things from his perspective. He is a grad student, he has got a lot more on his mind and he has a lot more to lose if people starts to gossip etc. He is risking his academic reputation to be with you, so it means he really likes you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Yes, you're right. He should call you. Is there any reason that you can think of that he wouldn't want your phone calls in his call log? Or on record?
Is he insecure about his voice over the phone (silly if so)
Is he just one of those people who can't carry on a conversaiton over the phone? I can't unless its with my husband.
If a bad temper is part of him, then it would be extremely difficult for him to hide. People slip up and show the ugly sides.
And i understand his point of veiw about your preconceptions. It may be hard for him to be exactly how you want him to be. He may feel as if he is being compared to a previous partner who was more affectionately satisfying. Sometimes it's better to be open-minded and let people do things their own way. Otherwise, you might drive him away by putting him under pressure to be something he cannot be. I think people do this a lot to their partners. It's something we should all work on.
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A
female
reader, sunny123  +, writes (27 April 2009):
He probably chased you to begin with because he didn't think the practicalities through. As previous posters have said, he may feel embarrassed to be seen with you, especially if there is a great difference in your attractiveness levels. If this is the case then clearly the problem rests with him. If you have fallen for him and don't want to leave him just yet then stay with him for now. However if you aren't happy now are things really going to change in the future? Sounds to me like you both have very different levels of ambition too...wouldn't you get tired of his lack of drive? You also need to consider things like a) does he hang out with your friends? b) if so do they like him? c) what about your parents? If you can't see him fitting in with any of those things then your relationship is in big trouble!If I were you i'd keep my options open!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionarmywife,you are right. When we were still flirting, two of my friends saw him on the same day and they both thought he was my dad.(I don't see why though. he deosn't look THAT old.) he told me he was uncomfortale about my friends' comments and he was also uncomfortable about the fact that I was his student 2 years ago. I told him it was alright I didn't care what other ppl say because all I care about was him. And I understand he doesn't want to ruin his reputation and future career oppertunities. PDA was not the only problem. If we cannot be open at school, at least he should call me. (he talkes to me on msn but i want a good night call) or he should be nice to me and don't show me his bad temper. he was upset. he told me he didn't feel like being forced and he thought I had too many preconception of how a relationship should be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto sunny123,I don't want to be an arrogrant ass and say I am better than him but to be honest I am. He is 10 years older. I like him so I don't mind but he is not the type who looks young in thier 30s. He already has a big belly and his hair line has been receded. He is in his 30s, still in school, and he is not majoring in something money making. At the same time, I am young and cheerful. I am smart, my major has a lot more future and my family has comparitively ok amount of wealth. ie. I don't have to work hard to have a great life. I do want to be sucsessful because I want to.I think I am a gift to him and he should treasure me, or at least spoil his gf a little bit like all bfs do.well, it's too late. i already fell for him.=(He was flirting with me at the beginning I wonder if he doesn't want people to gossip why did he chase me in the first place?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Well with all that said, it seems to me that is simply an incasion of his confort level to show affection, if not in private. This may ease with time but I'm not sure there is much you can do about it now. You must decide if your overall relatinship is worth it to you to settle for the way he believes he is showing his love to you.
It may also be an issue with his age. He may feel judged in public about being with a younger woman, and as if people don't believe that you two actually love each other. If you are as you say (and i'm sure you are) attractive, good body etc., he may be mistaken for a "sugar daddy." Maybe he hears/sees things that people say/do in reaction to your relationship that you don't see/hear. iT seems like he pays a lot more attention than you do.. because you are doing what you should be doing ,and focusing on him while he is preoccupied.
If he is genuinly afraid of people saying things about your relationship and starting rumors, then that's just the way he is. Maybe it's happened before, or he's afraid for his job, or status as a teacher. He's afraid his students will stop respecting him. I can see both sides of this, but i assure you, he is nowhere near ashamed of you. I think you should work with him though this. I don't see a reaosn good enough here to leave him. But there may be other problems we are not informed of.
Later, if you find that he is no more comfortable with you than he is now, and you can't deal with his lack of public display, then it may come to separtion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes, but I hug/kiss/hold his hand more. I always go to his place in evenings, when we go to his place, he first cooks for me and I will be walking around in the kitchen to keep his company, hugging him from the back etc.I was wearing a tube dress last time and he stopped cooking and kissed on my chest. After dinner, we will roll in bed for a while. That's the only time I feel he is fully into me. (me or my body?) We made love for the first time last week and he was really genle and nice. Given I am not sexually experienced, it was definetely the best sex I've ever had.We watch movies after making out and I always play with his hands or lie in his arms during movie. That's what we do when we are at his place or at my place bu tmost of the time he just wants to get lunch or dinner with me near campus and we say goodbye to each other.
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A
female
reader, sunny123 +, writes (27 April 2009):
You say that he refuses to be intimate "near campus" but that you live on campus! How can he expect you to hide a relationship in these circumstances? You also say that you were initially interested in him because you wanted someone to "treasure" you and that he wasn't that attractive...He doesn't seem to appreciate that your feelings need to be considered in this relationship. I would try discussing how it is making you feel with him once more, if things don't change then find someone who deserves you!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Does he hold your hand/kiss/hug/ etc. in the privacy of his home?
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