A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a very happily married woman,both of us are still in mad,passionate love after 10 years.On a recent trip to a strip club which was my idea,my husband found out that he is not attracted to any of those beautiful and sexy women.This discovery has shattered his confidence.He is a very good looking guy,successful,well spoken,sense of humor,the whole pacakage.He thinks this is not normal,is it true? I mean when you are in love are you suppose to want sex with others? he says he has to feel aroused to say the least,since men are visual creatures.Is he right to be concerned?He is a dream husband,i love him very much and i don't want him to think he is not normal.We both are in our late 30s.Please help.Thank you.
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male
reader, jonesperanza +, writes (18 September 2008):
 My ex was a stripper and the ex before her also and i spent alot of time in the strip clubs and i just wasnt attracted to the women in there, i dont know if it was because the shock value or just became desensitized to seein naked ladys walkin around but it became just a spot to drink and watch sports. Im 30 and have been in my share of strip clubs and it just doesnt do it for me anymore, your husband is in his 50's and im sure hes been to plenty of strip clubs also and he probably just doesnt care about seeing naked ladys walking around, i think its perfectly normal.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 September 2008):
I don't know what strip clubs you go to but most of the girls I see that are strippers and plastic and fake looking. They are not pretty, they have just been molded into this shape that men are suposed to find attractive.
Maybe he just doesn't find girls who are young enough to be his daughter attractive when they are so sad looking and plastic.
There is nothing wrong with him at all.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): As a 46yr old man an in a wonderful loving relationship and have been for a few years,i myself look at attractive women but im not attracted to them in any way as im solely attracted to my girlfriend as beauty is only skin deep its whats underneath that really makes the diffrence
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (17 September 2008):
OK, here's an answer from a male guy person of the masculine sex.
I don't think his loss of attraction is unusual, but his excessive concern about this might become a problem.
I can't say that I was ever a big fan of strip clubs, topless bars, etc. Even in my teens and 20's, when there WAS an attraction to the sex and eroticism, I was aware of the sleeze, raunch, tawdriness, and depersonalization behind it all. By my mid 30's there wasn't any net attraction, and in my 40's I found the places uncomfortable and embarrassing.
Everybody, both men and women, define themselves to some extent by their sexuality. And both men and women are culturally conditioned to live up to certain stereotypes. It can get pretty complicated when some guys have to admit that they're not perpetually horny and haven't carved a new notch on the bedpost in over a month. The severity of this problem certainly varies from guy to guy.
Like another respondent asked, Are you satisfying each other? I think that's the important thing to look at. It might not be out of line to find a professional counselor to discuss the matter, but it doesn't sound like the problem has become too big for the two of you to work through by yourselves.
(My wife and I face something similar right now. In our mid 50's, she wants full lovemaking - including intercourse - a couple times a week. I'm satisfied with 3 or 4 times a month. I don't reject her - there's plenty of cuddling, kissing, cunnilingus, etc - but the erections just don't happen according to her wishes. And, it bothers her that she can't arouse me as easily or as often. 30 years ago, I had a hard time accepting it when she said "Enjoy me - this time is for you.", and now she is having a hard time accepting it when I say "Enjoy me - this time is for you.".)
I have to wonder if there's a question underneath your question. Who decided the stripclub girls were "sexy and beautiful"? Even as a young man I didn't see a lot of "beauty" in the plastic boobs, pasted-on smiles and makeup half an inch thick. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder and he is welcome to change his notion of "beauty" over time. Have you bought into a false definition of "beauty", based on cultural stereotypes? Are you trying to please him by pretending to be something the culture says is "supposed" to satisfy him?
Here's a somewhat off-the-wall exercise you two might try - together. Get copies of the books "Joy of Sex" and "More Joy of Sex". I think they're still in print after almost 40 years, or you can find copies on EBay. Sit down, together, and go through the articles. Discuss what the authors have written. Do you agree with what they report as the majority opinion, or are you in the minority? Do they mention things that are a complete turn-off to either of you? Things that sound sexy enough to try at least once? (Not long ago, I found that their suggestion about showering in a tee-shirt has merit!) By doing this, you can help discover where your sexual interests currently are, and resume an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (17 September 2008):
 I don't think it's too unusual.
As a teenager I'd get turned on by a flash of a nipple but now I find that strip clubs and nudey mags do nothing for me. It's pleasant to look at hot chicks but not an instant boner-turn-on for me.
So your husband isn't alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there.While i really appreciate the answer i just received,my question problem is not solved because only men can answer my husband's concern.Us women are wired differently than men.I hope i get some answers from men.Thanks.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (17 September 2008):
 I think it is completely fine that he is not attracted to strippers and you should feel flattered! (I am NOT attracted to male strippers) ... any how, I believe that if you are married and in love with your partner (as the two of you are) then you shouldn't be attracted to anyone. Sure one can think another looks nice, but if you really love your partner you may look at another attractive person and think to yourself, "Gosh, I am so lucky to have my wife/husband - I wouldn't trade him/her for anyone!" ... and that should be the way everyone feels - if it were the way everyone felt, there would be less room for adultry.
So, think of yourself as very lucky, make him a lovely meal with his favorite beverage and plan on a movie night where it's just the two of you so he can realize how lucky he is with his beautiful wife - which is you! (and if he asks you again if you think it is strange that he is not attracted to other women, say, "No, of course you're not, because you already have the woman of your dreams right here."
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